Monday, December 7, 2009

Emo, Enchiladas & The Suicide Girls

Captain Carl and I decided to splurge a few weekends ago and went out for dinner. We don't do that much these days because of this new thing we've got called The Budget. I hate The Budget. The Budget is an asshole. The Budget insists that we capitalize his name because he's soooo important. The Budget is always saying stupid shit like "I don't think you need to buy that shirt" and "Chick-fil-a is not a necessity" and "Making the car payment is more important than driving to Shreveport to gamble". When Captain Carl gets a job, the first thing I'm going to do is punch The Budget right in the face and I'm gonna be holding a credit card in my fist because irony is painful and awesome.

So we invited the Kiddo and his best friend, Emo, to come with us to dinner because I really wanted to piss off The Budget that day. The boys were out "looking for jobs" aka "driving aimlessly while looking for hot babes", so they agreed to meet us at the restaurant. We chose the Mexican place that has the most awesome salsa and the Captain and I settled down to a couple of frosty margaritas and a basket of chips. An hour later, I'm half in the bag and the moron twins have still not arrived.

We were about to give up and order when they sauntered in, looking all Outsider-ish with their black t-shirts and rolled-up jeans and when they sat down, I was all "Stay golden, Ponyboy" and they just stared at me like I was an alien so I shrugged and chugged the rest of my 3rd margarita. Also, they might not have looked anything like the Outsiders, but when they walked in I was thinking "I wonder what Ralph Macchio is up to these days?" and that's where my mind went with things. Shut up.

So the boys are there and we're there and we're all talking and eating enchiladas and I'm laughing my ass off because the boys are there and Emo's too loud and too obnoxious and all pimply and I just want to hug him but I know he'd freak out and say something dumb like "I'm not into old chicks" or "Ohmygod your stepmom's boob just touched my arm" so I don't.

The conversation naturally turned to girls, as it always does with teenage boys. Emo is having a problem getting over a girl, and by "having a problem" I mean "sits outside her house at night in his car" and "follows her around at school" and "calls her 20 times a day". He's basically stalking this girl and I would feel sorry for her, except that she clearly loves it because the minute he starts leaving her alone, she starts calling him. It's exactly something I would have done in high school and yes okay, I actually did do it but only for a few months and only because the guy was losing his hair in the 11th grade so he was totally asking for it.

Anyway, the Captain was trying to teach Emo how to meet new girls because he's a big social retard and he's made the unfortunate mistake of picking my son as his best friend. The Kiddo has an ego the size of Canada (big ups to my Canadian blog friends, yo!) and honestly believes he can get any girl he wants. He's inherited his father's charm and he has no fear when it comes to girls, so I guess the Captain thinks he can help poor Emo with this too.

One of the hostesses at the restaurant goes to their school and according to the Kiddo, is totally hot. So the Captain suggested to Emo that he go up to her and say hi. Emo got all googly-eyed and jerky and said no way. So the Kiddo, our little Rico Suave wannabe, is all "Let me show you how it's done" and walked over to her. Let me tell y'all, watching your kid smile and flirt and fling his hair out of his eyes while the girl he's talking to bats her eyelashes is about the most fun a parent can have. Especially when you're on your 4th margarita.

The Kiddo came back to the table with a big smile and a new phone number, and Emo kept saying "How do you do that??". I suspect this is partly why the Kiddo hangs out with Emo. I imagine the constant ego strokes are addictive. The Kiddo just shrugs his shoulders and is all "Meh, I just do it. It's a gift." and Emo is all "Dude, you are the master!" and the Kiddo is all "Heh heh, you said master" and Emo is all "Yeah! MasterBATOR" and they just sit there laughing hysterically at their awesome joke and then I banged their heads together like in The Three Stooges only without Moe, which worked out just fine because everyone knows Moe was a total asshole.

So Emo recovers after a few minutes with "She's not my type anyway" and I asked him what is his type. Captain Carl pipes up with "Girls who wear a lot of eyeliner and hoodies" which both of us found hilarious but the boys didn't seem to get the joke. Maybe because they weren't on their 5th margarita like I was. Emo said he's not sure what his type is and I figured I knew exactly what his type was, so I'm all "I bet you like the Suicide Girls, right?" and Emo is all "What's that?" and then the Kiddo laughed and was all "Dude, don't pretend you don't know! Like you haven't spanked it to the Suicide Girls about a thousand times!". And then we all looked expectantly at Emo, who actually blushed and then was all "okay yeah" and then "I can't believe you said 'spanked it' in front of your parents!" and the Kiddo was all "Meh, I've said worse" and I was all "This is true" and then I ordered my 6th margarita.

And this is why the Captain and I should win a parenting award. It's okay, you can say it....we're awesome. We're like the Jon & Kate of Texas. Except with less divorce and spiky hair.

23 comments:

Jules said...

I'm sure EVERY parent wants to hear their son use the term "spanked it" at dinner....

And I ignore the "budget" in December. I like to think of him as an ex boyfriend who is haggling me but I have a restraining order out against.

Tristachio said...

Since, you know, I don't have children or a husband I have so much disposable income I can basically give it away to hookers for free. But I don't. Because that bitch has got to work for my cash.

Nothing worse then a lazy hooker when you've got all this cash to give away.

otherworldlyone said...

THIS is why I can't wait for my daughter to be a teenager. So I can swill booze and give her advice on boys.

You're livin' the dream, lady. Livin' the dream.

Secret Agent K said...

Yea see I totally have a plan to just make my son completly like, miserable when it comes to the ladies ya know like meet the first girl he brings home and be like, she has an std or I heard she's missing a nipple or somethin along that lines...

Yea that right there is what they mean by the Joy's Of Parenting, Holla!

erin said...

I'm pretty sure I'll be living in Ethiopia by the time my kids are old enough to have conversations like that. Especially if it's going to be anything like that conversation. ESPECIALLY.

AtYourCervix said...

Sweet!! More Emo and the kiddo stories! I love it! Gotta love teenage boys. Oh wait, that didn't come out right. Gotta love the fact that teenage boys can talk about "spanking it" at the dinner table with the parents around. Too funny!

Ed Adams said...

The Budget is a suckass.

Even though I feel sorry for Emo, which is actually more like the pity you feel when you see a 3 legged dog trying to piss on a tree, I think he's lucky to have you guys in his life.

He might actually get laid someday.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I know I'm not the first person to read "Emo" as "Elmo", but lawdy, Miss Yvonne, this conversation would have been some kind of acid nightmare if Elmo had indeed replaced Emo. Especially with the blushing over spanking it part.

Prosy said...

lots of eyeliner and a hoodie. hahaha
and I didn't even have one margarita.

sad face.

diane said...

I bet the hangover was worth hearing "spanked" out of Kiddo's mouth in public. You are totally the best mom. Kiddo and Hostess Twinkie (haha, I just made up her name on the spot, not bad, right?) should name their first child after you.

Just.Kate said...

I love the Kiddo/Emo posts. I hate The Budget. Are you feeling this? This connection? Ohhhh yeah.

kate said...

Woah! Woah! Woah! Chik-fil-a is ALWAYS a neccessity.

Dani said...

I want so badly to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. But not the annoying kind of fly that lands in your 6th margarita, the chill kind that just hangs around on the wall and chuckles at Emo and at HS flirting and wants to give you a high five for use of the phrase "This is true" (but doesn't because flies are gross).

Little Ms Blogger said...

I think you and Captain Carl should find Emo a girl....it's Christmas time and a little charity work is always good for the soul.

Kurt said...

I like the part with the boobs. Also: Being drunk. Also Also: Nachos.
This was a good trifecta for me is my point.

miss. chief said...

Dani's comment about chuckling flies totally creeped me out.
Also, YAY FOR ME BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE COUNTRY THAT'S THE SAME SIZE AS YOUR KID'S EGO! WOOOOOOO

Mrs. Booms said...

I kind of wish I was there. You know, having too many margaritas with you.

kys said...

Margaritas make The Budget go to his happy place.

Vic said...

What?? I didn't comment already? Did you hide my brilliantly insightful comment, just to mess with my fragile mind?

Budgets suck, and are wrong too, because Chick-fil-a is TOO a necessity. It's all about helping cows, and what's more Christmas spirit than that?

I'm keeping my fifteen year old daughter away from your son, by the way. He's got too many moves.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

6 margaritas? I'm impressed!
I'd have a budget but I think you actually have to have money to have one. All our money goes to bills which are NOT in MY budget. I could use an enchilada and 6 margaritas about now!
Jugs@@

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Funniest post I've read in ages!

I need a margarita now. Or six! :)

just making my way said...

Best.Dinner.Ever.

My word ver is "crest". I think blogger might owe someone some money on that one!

Lulu said...

I heart you so bad!!! I know that you might not see this comment because it's so late and you wrote this post while I was out of the country - legally! - so I'll just stalk you on my blog and on your new posts....