Monday, June 25, 2012

The Fine Line Between Being Hilarious And Being A Grandmother

Texting with the Kiddo...

Kiddo:  Hey the deposit came through today.  Thank you thank you thank you!
Me:  G
Me:  Damn it, that was supposed say "Good".
Kiddo:  I've already made $215 at KFC, but I won't get it until the next paycheck.  :-(
Me:  When does the next paycheck come?
Kiddo:  Not for two more weeks.
Me:  Has Bunny found a job yet?

Side note...I forgot to tell you guys that he got back together with Bunny on account of how she followed him and enrolled at his college and I'm not sure what the sequence of events was after that except that I suppose at one point his penis accidentally fell into her vagina and now they are living together over the summer in a house 6 miles from campus with a Mexican guy named Geronimo.  I'm not even kidding.  And yes, I will go into more detail about Geronimo, but not today.  Blogging 101, dudes...always keep them wanting more. 

So.  Anyway...

Me:  Has Bunny found a job yet?
Kiddo:  Yes, she works at KFC too.
Me:  So y'all work together.  Awwww, so cute.
Kiddo:  Yup.  Pretty damn lucky and convenient.
Me:  Y'all might as well just go ahead and get married and start having babies.

*phone silence*


*longer phone silence*

Me:  You know, because that would be ridiculous and I'm just being hilarious over here.

*more phone silence*

Me:  Ok, your silence makes me think you already ARE having babies and are just trying to find a way to tell me so that I don't totally freak out and have a panic attack and OMG HOW AM I GOING TO TELL YOUR FATHER I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!!!!

*still more phone silence*

Me:  Stop smoking that bowl/having sex and answer your stepmother before she passes out!

*more mother fucking phone silence*

Me:  I swear to all that is good and holy that if you do not answer me RIGHT NOW I WILL DRIVE DOWN THERE AND CUT YOUR PRIVATE PARTS OFF.
Kiddo:  Calm down, I was in the bathroom.  And may I just say oh hellllllll no to babies.
Me:  Oh.  Okay.
Me:  That was totally hilarious, right?  Me pretending to freak out.  heh heh
Kiddo:  Right.  Pretending.

So.  Guess who's getting a box full of condoms sent to him tomorrow?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Rock Hard Hemorrhoids

Okay, I admit it. I read 50 Shades of Grey.

Okay fine. I read all three of those stupid books. I say stupid because they are. Very stupid. The writing is terrible, the plot is ridiculous. The characters are borderline unlikeable. But the sex scenes. Oh, the sex scenes make up for all of that.

Here's a confession that will surprise none of you. I love romance novels. LOVE. They are silly and dumb and totally forgettable once I've finished them. But I love them anyway. ESPECIALLY if the author throws in some good sex scenes. A romance novel without a sex scene is like a fireman without a hose.


Anyway. So of course I would read the 50 Shades books. Such was my mania to get busy reading them that I did something I never do. I paid full price for them to be downloaded to my Kindle. Then I devoured them. I mean, it's not hard to read them quickly on account of how awful they are. And by awful I mean super naughty hot.

 So you know how when you buy something on Amazon and it gives you recommendations for future purchases? After I bought the 50 Shades books, I was bombarded with smutty book suggestions. I promptly downloaded the free samples and added them to my Amazon wishlist. Every. Single. One. Then I moved on with my life for a few weeks, blissfully unaware of how this decision could possibly affect me in the very near future.

Flash forward to today. I'm eating lunch at my desk at work and decide to google myself. This is something my IT husband suggests I do periodically, just to see what people are putting out there about me. So I googled and nothing surprising came up. Then a thought came to me. I've never googled my maiden name. I type it in and start scrolling down.  

Huh. This site knows the day I got married and is telling the world how old I am. How rude. 


Hmmm, garbage garbage garbage...nothing interesting... 

*more scrolling* 

Oh look! My Amazon wishlist shows up on the first page of google with my maiden name. Weird. 

*clicks link to wishlist*


Ohmygod. I put all those smutty books on my wishlist. This is public???? How can this be public????? All of my ex-boyfriends could be reading it! They'll know that someday I wish to read "Rock Hard"! Ohmygod WHY DID I PUT THAT ON MY WISHLIST! I mean....Rock Hard??? Could there be a more ridiculous title? 

*desperately scrolling through wishlist* 

Wait. I put a Chinese hemorrhoid cream on there? How long ago did I do that??? Oh my sweet Lord, I don't even remember that! It must have been on there for anyone to see for years!  My ex's think I have hemorrhoids!  Jesus!!!!!!

Because of course my ex-boyfriends are googling me. I mean, I googled them once. How else would I know that my high school sweetheart is now a mediocre weight lifter and still wears black heavy metal t-shirts and the guy I almost married is now almost completely bald (yessss....air punch!)? I thought THAT stuff was embarrassing, but it doesn't even come close to the mortification that is ROCK HARD HEMORRHOIDS.

And now I don't remember any of the smutty books I wanted to download because I deleted them all off my wishlist in a blind panic.

Damn you, Amazon.