And That's How I Ended Up With My Fingers Glued Together On A Tuesday Night

So I found this new website. It's called Pinterest. Heard of it? Probably not, on account of how I tend to catch these trends way before everyone else does. I'm pretty sure it was just created in the last couple of months, since that is when I found it. And now I'm telling you guys about it because that's how much I care. You're welcome.

Pinterest is this site where people "pin" pictures of things they like or want. It's basically like a virtual bedroom wall or something. Maybe a bulletin board? Ohmygod...pin. I just got that.

Huh.

So when I first found Pinterest, I didn't get what the big deal was. Sure, it's kind of a good resource if you're looking for a new recipe or a craft to do with your kid or whatever. I pinned a few things and then left the site for weeks.

Then I came back to search for some photography that would inspire me on an upcoming shoot I had scheduled.

It was all downhill from there.

This place. It's like crack for women who secretly want to make their own soap and dress like a bohemian and redecorate their home and do crafts that make their friends hate them for how creative they are and make teeny tiny cakes in recycled tin cans (for real...it's out there).

I couldn't stop. Because if I did, I might miss an adorable kitten photo. Or a gorgeous dress that I could never ever fit into.

Suddenly I realized that I hated every paint color in my house and I must redo everything immediately. I became enamored of chalk paint. What the fuck is chalk paint anyway? I have no fucking idea, but I want that shit. I want to slap it on every goddamn dresser I own. And then I want to distress the shit out of those dressers. Then I want to wrap every single present I ever give ever with lace doilies. And then I want to make all my own household cleaners by simply combining 13 other products that I have to go out and buy but who cares because look! homemade fucking cleaner. And then I want to paint my fingernails with every fucking OPI color on the planet and then take a picture of my hand holding the goddamn bottle of polish.

And then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I discovered the coffee filter crafts. Oh. Dear. God.

If you haven't seen the coffee filter pins out there, go search for them and prepare to be astounded. You can make wreaths. You can make flowers. You can make wrapping paper. There is no end to the usefulness of the wonder that is the dollar store coffee filter.

Some of the projects looked a little hard for an entry level crafter like me. But I found one that looked to be simple.

The coffee filter lamp shade.



All you have to do is scrunch up a filter, dab a little hot glue on the end and stick it to the lamp shade. Do it over and over until the entire shade is covered and looky there...you got yourself a cute little lamp.

I rushed right out to the dollar store and bought the filters. I grabbed an old lamp that I wasn't using anymore, ripped off the shade and set to work. I was giddy with excitement. In a mere 30 minutes or so, my very first Pinterest craft would be completed! I would take pictures and post them here and give a tutorial for everyone asking me how I did it and I'd be all brag facey and It. Would. Be. Awesome.

Ten minutes and six filters later, I had lost feeling in my fingertips on account of the hot glue gun burns. My filters looked more like wilted lettuce than perky flowers. I realized that at this rate, it would take me three hours to finish the shade. I began to think about the fire hazard that is a lamp shade covered in paper and mere inches from a light bulb. I decided that my lamp base would now need to be painted a cute robins egg blue in order to compliment the frivolity of the shade, which would require another trip to the store and more crafty effort.

I got tired. I sat back in my chair and stared into space.

Fucking Pinterest, I thought.

It was then that I realized I had left the hot glue gun sitting on the bare wood of my office desk. It was leaking glue all over the surface, so I frantically wiped at it with my bare hand. Then the screaming began, followed closely by me yelling "My fingers are stuck together! Help me!". I received nohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif sympathy from Captain Carl.

"I told you to just buy a new lamp."

And now I am searching Pinterest for ways to resurface a desktop. I'm pretty sure this can only end well.

p.s. You can follow my boards on Pinterest by clicking here. But you don't have to or anything. I mean, whatever. I don't even care.

p.p.s. I'm guest posting over at The Mouthy Housewives today! I'm giving advice to a woman who's upset about how much her husband likes to masturbate. Among other things, I suggested she dress up like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. So yeah, I'm practically a psychologist now.

Turns Out I Am Totally Crafty

So here's an update for you. We're still broke. This week my Dad turns 72 and I can't afford to buy him a big screen TV like my sister is going to do. So instead I decided I would try making a homemade present for him, because that's way more meaningful than a stupid big screen TV anyway and also because if I WAS going to buy a big screen TV, I would buy it for myself.

I got this brilliant idea to make my Dad's birthday card with pretty papers and a copy of a picture of him when he was a kid. So I stopped at Hobby Lobby on Friday and picked up some stuff, found one of my favorite pics of my Dad as a young 'un on the farm and got down to business.

Dudes, I think I've found my true calling in life.

I'm a photographer and that feeds my inner creativity most days. But I had no idea that I have a future in greeting card sales! I'm totally Etsy-ing the shit out of these things!

Here's my Dad's card. You can tell it's his card because the word "dad" is on it. I'm a genius at pointing out the obvious.


Cute as hell, right? My Dad is gonna eat this up with a freakin' spoon. He's gonna totally forget about the peanut butter cookies I didn't send this year like I usually do because I got wrapped up in gluing together this card and forgot to bake the cookies and shut up already, I'll send him the cookies for Father's Day, okay?

Here's a closeup of my Dad on his 5th birthday back in 1942.


He still smiles like that. I miss my Dad. He and my Mom live in Arizona and I hardly ever see them these days.

sniff

Anyway, I was still feeling crafty after I finished Dad's card, so I went ahead and made my Mother's Day card for next month. Because I'm an overachiever, so stop hatin', yo.

My mom is the one on the far left.


I wrote on the inside of the card "Everything I know about sexin' it up I learned from you." Because we're sentimental like that.

I think she was about 15 years old when this picture was taken. She was in love with Elvis Presley and wore poodle skirts and bright red lipstick. Look at her feet...yep, she also wore saddle shoes.


I miss my Mom too.

sniffle

So I need y'all to tell me if they think I could sell this stuff. Because Miss Yvonne needs a new pair of shoes and I just paid the mortgage, so I either sell these cards or I make do with one of the 84 pairs of shoes I already have.

Times are tough, people.