Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Am Officially The World's Greatest Role Model....UPDATED To Include Photographic Proof

A few weekends ago I was out of town on a photo shoot with a couple of friends. The job was to photograph the buildings on the campus of the college they had attended. I spent the day taking photographs and seeing the sights. Then it got dark and we went to dinner at a place all the locals love.

I had one drink. Okay, it was a huge drink. Okay, it was a huge drink with 5 different liquors in it. Okay, I had two of them. Whatever. My point is that I might have been somewhat tipsy when I decided that it would be a great idea to head back to campus and take some night photos. So that was how three grown women ended up dancing around in front of a camera on the square of a major university at 11pm at night. My 17 year old niece is considering attending this same college. This was something I thought of in the middle of our night shoot and decided to text her....

Me: Dude guess what???? I'm on the ___ campuus and I'm a tiny bit drunks!!
Her: Quit drunk dialing me you ho.
Me: Haaahaa! Uur hilaarous!!
Her: Go sleep it off loser!
Me: Im just gettingg started! All aboard the party train! Cchoo choo!
Her: B careful. Don't drink anything from strange guys & get date raped.
Me: Will du. Play on playa.

10 minutes later I texted her again.

Me: Hey Im gonna askk 4 the best place to hit a kegger. I let u know for next yr, k?
Her: Tell me ur kidding
Me: OMG some guy jst walked by w a bong in his hand!
Her: No way
Me: For reals! He prob knows where I can hit a ragin kegger
Her: Srsly, I'm concerned for ur safety
Me: Nah its alll good. Word to ur mom who is also my sister. Ha up top!

I'm pretty much the best and most responsible aunt ever, right? I should get an award for being such a great role model.

P.S. At some point in the evening some college kid drove up to us and asked if I wanted to take his picture and supposedly I said "You know it, hot stuff." and then I allegedly said "Hey, my friend here is 45 and single and ready to mingle. Awwww yeah" and possibly "Seriously dude, she can totally buy you beer. Call it trade." I have no recollection of any of this, but my friends swear that I did. Lying bitches.

See? I should be a guidance counselor or something.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Justifiable Homicide

The Captain and I have been on the same diet for 3 weeks.

He has lost five pounds.
I have gained one.


It's like he wants me to hurt him.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Nothing Gets Me Hotter Than A Hairy Man Wearing A Cravat

I read the sex scenes in romance novels at the public library to determine which one I'm going to check out.

True story.

Right now I'm reading a dirty version of Pride and Prejudice. For reals.

I'm having a hard time deciding which Mr. Darcy I want to picture while reading the naughty parts....

The original....very Firthy.

Or the latest version...very yummy and hairy and Englishy.

Hot, right??? Like the grown-up woman's version of Edward and Jacob. I mean, all I need is to see one of them with vampire fangs and I'll orgasm all over this computer.

Hmmm. Which takes longer to rip off...a cravat or high-waisted man pants??

Psssst, Captain Carl....since I'm out of town for a few days, could you maybe grow your hair out a little and pick up an overcoat and a beseeching look by the time I get home? Just wonderin' reason, really.


Monday, November 16, 2009

The One Where Emo Offers To Kiss My Son

We scheduled a college campus visit for the Kiddo last Saturday at one of his top choices. A few days earlier, Captain Carl asked me if we should invite Emo along. I laughed hysterically and was all "Bwahahahaa! You are hilarious!" and he was all "I'm serious" and I was all "Hoot! Stop stop! You're killing me here!" and he was all "I'm totally serious" and I was all "Hilarity! Hil. Ar. Ity." and then I wiped away my tears of laughter and realized that the Captain had fallen silent and was now staring into space with his exasperated husband face on.

(He made me black bar his protect his secret nerd identity.)

I was all "Wait, you're SERIOUS???".

So yeah, apparently the Captain thought it would be nice to bring Emo along since Emo's parents don't seem to be in hurry to help him get into a college (or at least try to get in) and since the Captain was raised by hippies and all that peace love and happiness and a little bit of weed stuff (okay a lot), he wanted to help Emo. I, on the other hand, wanted a quiet six hour drive.

Guess what?

Yeah, Emo totally came along.

So instead of quiet, the day involved amazing amounts of loudness, gross smells and many many Emo-isms.....

Emo on what he wanted for lunch:
"I need me a big ole' side of woman!"

Emo on the English language:
"I make up words all the time that should totally be in the dictionary. Like spagstonstic. Doesn't that sound like a real word?"

Emo on his lunch at Dairy Queen:
"I'm gonna run a train on these curly fries."

Emo on the Kiddo seeing two men kiss in person for the first time:
"Dude, I will kiss you right now if it makes you feel less uncomfortable." (The Kiddo declined)

Emo on the on-campus "talent":
"I've only seen, like, two girls I would get with here. I can't go to college here, everyone is too normal."

Emo on the student leading the campus tour:
"Check out that huge stick she's carrying. That's what I'm talking about!" (what?)

Emo on his figure:
"I should NOT be eating this ice cream. It will go straight to my thighs."

Emo on being a legend in his own mind:
"Ugh! If one more chick texts me today, I'm turning off my phone!"

Emo on the contents of the gift bags the college gave out:
"I hope they put laser pointers in here. That would be the epitome of sweet."

Emo on getting a free t-shirt from the college:
"Do I look like the kind of person who wears a college t-shirt? Scratch that. Do I look like the kind of person who wears ANY kind of t-shirt?" (Answer: Not unless it is see-through)

Emo on the scenery on the drive home:
"I see cows!!!"

The boy can seriously test my patience. At one point, I had to shush him like a toddler in church while we were in a financial aid meeting because he couldn't find his inside voice and Captain Carl kept flicking him on the back of the head during our tour so he would shut up. Seriously, I should have brought a bag of cheerios to keep him busy.

But we got to see his whole person light up when the Captain took him to the cinematography department. He also called me Mom all day, asked how he could ever repay us for taking him along and told us he hopes he will be friends with the Kiddo forever because then we will always be in his life.


Dang that kid for making me love his annoying ass.

This is our country's future, America.
You might consider moving to Canada.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Questions For The Ages. Or Google. Either One.

Everything is fine on the home front today...thanks for the well wishes. Sorry I can't say more, but I've decided not to blog about it as I like keeping this place fun and stupid and awesome and not know...frowny. But I could totally change my mind enjoy the hilarity while it lasts.

Questions for the Ages...brought to you by Miss Yvonne

What is the purpose of pubic hair? I mean, there must have been some function it was necessary for back in the caveman days or something. But I can't figure out why we haven't evolved by now and stopped growing it? It's just in the way and ugly and gross. You agree with me, right? Unless you're one of those weirdos who has a pubic hair fetish and watches old 70's pornos all day long to get your fix. In which case, stop following my blog, Mr. Masturbates Too Much.

And while we're on the subject, am I the only ridiculously beautiful woman on the planet who doesn't wax all their pubes off? Because I feel like I am. I'm a trimmer and shaver. I know Captain Carl would love if I waxed it all off but I just can't bring myself to do it. It sounds ouchy and once I let the Captain shave it all off and I was so red and irritated for days afterwards that I never let him do it again. It might have had something to do with the fact that I went for a long walk immediately after the shaving, but I guess we'll never know because I am not gonna chance it. Because a good bush is a terrible thing to waste. Or something like that.

Am I also the only amazingly gorgeous person on the planet who doesn't have an iphone and doesn't have internet access on their cell? I'll be all "I wonder how many calories are in this Big Mac?" when I'm out to eat at a fancy restaurant with my friend and they are all "Let me look it up" and they get all typey on their cell and they are all "2300 calories!" and they shove their awesome interwebs phone in my face and I'm all "Oh yeah? Well my phone has a picture of an adorable puppy on it. Top that!" and they are all "My phone can translate English to Japanese" and I'm all "Psshh, who the hell needs that?" and they are all "Me. On my trip to Japan next week" and I'm all "I hear they eat adorable puppies over there so I would never go there with my phone" and they are all "Are you drunk?" and I'm all "A little. Why do you ask?" and they are all "It's 11:30am" and I'm all "Way to tell time, McFly!" and they are all "Huh?" and I'm all "Oh, YOU know!" and then I bat my eyelashes at them for awhile and then they are all "Yeah, ummm....I gotta run". Which leads me to my next question....

Does anyone have an idea as to why I don't have many friends and the ones I do have tell me I am "Socially awkward and kind of weird"? Because I have it on good authority by a person known as Your Mom that I am super awesome and very hip and with it. I mean, if you want to call taking 15 straws at Wendy's and blowing the wrappers off of them at your face one at a time while singing a Debbie Gibson medley "weird", well then you have major problems of your own and I just can't respect your opinion.

What?? I'm on my third glass of wine on a Wednesday night and I never said these questions were for the intelligent ages. I did not specify that, no sir I did not. I mean, my blog has pictures of Pee Wee Herman and a stainy dog anus on it. What did you expect?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Things Are Not Funny Over Here Today...So Go Read This Instead

I've got family drama going on at my house this week. I'm not going into it right now, except to say it involves the Kiddo and I just don't know if I want to share. Because of all this drama, I am not feeling very funny. But I know someone who is, right this very minute, extremely hilarious. You have to go read Happy Meals & Happy Hour's post about what happens when your child walks in on you bumping uglies with your husband.

Good stuff.

P.S. I'll be back soon...probably with more awesome stories and lots of swears. Until then, I'm off to contemplate why this shit keeps happening to me. Because I'm just that self-centered.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

'Tis The Season To Be Sexy

Guess what y'all? Less than two months until Baby Jesus' birthday! I am only bringing this up because I saw my first Christmas commercial yesterday. And because we all tend to get wrapped up in our shopping and baking and planning, most of us forget the true reason for the season. So I thought I'd remind y'all.

Okay, that had nothing to do with Jesus. I'm sure (capitalized) He's like, totally happy about that too. Because I doubt Jesus wants to be associated with me pinching a giant nutcracker's nipple or Captain Carl's cousin grabbing his balls or my sister positioned on the floor in front of him like she's about to give him the best blow job of his wooden life. Probably because it's not very, you know, churchy and also because (capitalized) He totally wished he'd thought of it first because hello? hilarious!

Yep, I'm definitely going to hell.

P.S. I'm starting to think the black bars I put over everyone's faces aren't fooling anyone. Like, I'm pretty sure if my sister found my blog, she'd totally know that was herself in that picture. Maybe I should write something over them??

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

We're Already Fighting And It Hasn't Even Been A Week

I decided on Monday to start a diet. There are a group of fat ladies at my office that organized a weight loss challenge. You have to pay $5 a week for 8 weeks and at the end, whoever loses the most gets the money. Now, I am most definitely a lard ass who most definitely needs to lose weight. I am also most definitely broke. And on top of being broke, Captain Carl's parents are taking us to New Orleans for Christmas this year which is totally awesome of them because our flight and hotel is free, but we still need to come up with our own spending money. So I decided to totally win this weight loss challenge.

Here's the problem. I have absolutely no will power. I lack motivation. I hate exercise and vegetables. I love bread and fried things. I have a non-function bitch of a thyroid. Okay, I have many problems.

There's no way I'm going to win.


So I told the Captain on Monday night that I was on a diet and so therefore he is on a diet. He was very agreeable and we went for our first official "diet" walk that night. Then last night he cooked our first official "diet" dinner. This is what was on my plate:

1 piece of chicken

That's it. No bread (gasp!), no starch (choke!), no butter (ack!!!).

I ate it in about 2 minutes.

Me: I'm starving.
The Captain: Have another piece of chicken, but just a small one.
Me: Can you bread it and fry it first?
The Captain: You're already whining?
Me: *whiny voice* I'm not whining! I'm just asking! Geesh.
The Captain: So we need to talk about you eating more vegetables.
Me: Gross.
The Captain: You have to eat more vegetables.
Me: Why? Is there some kind of new law that Obama enacted about mandatory vegetable intake?
The Captain: Look, we aren't eating potatoes and rice for dinner while you are on this diet, so you need to have something else besides meat.
Me: I like corn.
The Captain: Corn is full of sugar. You need healthier vegetables.
Me: Carrots then.
The Captain: Okay, what else?
Me: Salad?
The Captain: What about vegetables for side dishes?
Me: Spinach salad?
The Captain: Something besides salad. You'll get tired of it if that is all you have.
Me: Peas. I like peas in salad.
The Captain: How about cooked peas.
Me: Blech! I only like them cold and in things.
The Captain: So far we have cooked carrots and salad. We need more variety.
Me: Wait, not cooked carrots. Only raw carrots. With ranch dressing.
The Captain: That defeats the purpose.
Me: I hate cooked vegetables.
The Captain: I knew you were going to be like this.
Me: Like what??
The Captain: I'm trying to help you!
Me: You're treating me like a baby!
The Captain: No I'm not. I'm trying to help you.
Me: Yeah, help me into an early grave by forcing me to gag on crappy vegetables!
The Captain: I don't think you can die from vegetable consumption.
Me: You totally can. I'm telling my sister to check my throat for broccoli if I die prematurely.
Kiddo: (yeah he was sitting there during this conversation...we are the best parents ever) What about bell peppers?
Me: Yes! I love bell peppers!
The Captain: Okay, I'll make those ground turkey things that are baked inside a pepper.
Me: Nasty! No, I mean raw bell pepper. And green onions! They are awesome in a...
The Captain: Salad, yes I know.
Me: Look, this isn't going to work if you insist on treating me like a child. List more vegetables and I'll pick some.
The Captain: Cauliflower?
Me: Are you serious???
The Captain: Okra?
Me: Not in this lifetime.
The Captain: Green beans?
Me: *making vomit noises*
The Captain: Yeah, you are so not acting like a child.

This diet is going to be awesome, y'all.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Sexiest Man Alive Is Apparently 17 Years Old

Well, another Halloween has come and gone. I'm always sad when November 1 comes around because October is my favorite month. Weather gets cooler...if you are lucky enough to live in a cold enough place, the leaves turn beautiful colors...people start making stews and soups...I stop getting the boob sweats just from walking outside to get the mail. You know, it's basically just awesome.

We had no trick or treaters last night at our house. That really pissed me off. I mean, I put out the light up pumpkins and the scary sounds doormat and everything. Not one little shit rang our doorbell. I went outside around 9pm to see what the problem was and none of our neighbors had their lights on. Jerks. Of course kids won't come down our street if only one house is lit's bad Halloween policy to waste time on that street.

The Kiddo is too old for trick or of course he told us he wanted to go with his friends. A pack of 17 year old boys out wandering the streets at night. Yeah, not a good idea. He had a Halloween party to go to anyway, so it worked out. His girlfriend came over and got dressed up as Marilyn Monroe. I asked the Kiddo if he was going to go as Joe Dimaggio and he was all "Who?" and I was all "The baseball player" and he was all "Huh?" and I was all "He was married to Marilyn" and he was all "So?" and I was all "See, because they were married so if you went as Joe, you would be like....oh nevermind" and he was all "I'm going as The Sexiest Man Alive" and then he put his hands on his hips and stared confidently into space.

For reals, this was his "costume".

So I told y'all that I was dressed like a pirate at work on Friday. And for those of you who don't believe I was really drinking on the job, I submit to you my proof.

Picture taken at 8am

Picture taken at 1pm

Told ya.