Wednesday, November 4, 2009

We're Already Fighting And It Hasn't Even Been A Week

I decided on Monday to start a diet. There are a group of fat ladies at my office that organized a weight loss challenge. You have to pay $5 a week for 8 weeks and at the end, whoever loses the most gets the money. Now, I am most definitely a lard ass who most definitely needs to lose weight. I am also most definitely broke. And on top of being broke, Captain Carl's parents are taking us to New Orleans for Christmas this year which is totally awesome of them because our flight and hotel is free, but we still need to come up with our own spending money. So I decided to totally win this weight loss challenge.

Here's the problem. I have absolutely no will power. I lack motivation. I hate exercise and vegetables. I love bread and fried things. I have a non-function bitch of a thyroid. Okay, I have many problems.

There's no way I'm going to win.


So I told the Captain on Monday night that I was on a diet and so therefore he is on a diet. He was very agreeable and we went for our first official "diet" walk that night. Then last night he cooked our first official "diet" dinner. This is what was on my plate:

1 piece of chicken

That's it. No bread (gasp!), no starch (choke!), no butter (ack!!!).

I ate it in about 2 minutes.

Me: I'm starving.
The Captain: Have another piece of chicken, but just a small one.
Me: Can you bread it and fry it first?
The Captain: You're already whining?
Me: *whiny voice* I'm not whining! I'm just asking! Geesh.
The Captain: So we need to talk about you eating more vegetables.
Me: Gross.
The Captain: You have to eat more vegetables.
Me: Why? Is there some kind of new law that Obama enacted about mandatory vegetable intake?
The Captain: Look, we aren't eating potatoes and rice for dinner while you are on this diet, so you need to have something else besides meat.
Me: I like corn.
The Captain: Corn is full of sugar. You need healthier vegetables.
Me: Carrots then.
The Captain: Okay, what else?
Me: Salad?
The Captain: What about vegetables for side dishes?
Me: Spinach salad?
The Captain: Something besides salad. You'll get tired of it if that is all you have.
Me: Peas. I like peas in salad.
The Captain: How about cooked peas.
Me: Blech! I only like them cold and in things.
The Captain: So far we have cooked carrots and salad. We need more variety.
Me: Wait, not cooked carrots. Only raw carrots. With ranch dressing.
The Captain: That defeats the purpose.
Me: I hate cooked vegetables.
The Captain: I knew you were going to be like this.
Me: Like what??
The Captain: I'm trying to help you!
Me: You're treating me like a baby!
The Captain: No I'm not. I'm trying to help you.
Me: Yeah, help me into an early grave by forcing me to gag on crappy vegetables!
The Captain: I don't think you can die from vegetable consumption.
Me: You totally can. I'm telling my sister to check my throat for broccoli if I die prematurely.
Kiddo: (yeah he was sitting there during this conversation...we are the best parents ever) What about bell peppers?
Me: Yes! I love bell peppers!
The Captain: Okay, I'll make those ground turkey things that are baked inside a pepper.
Me: Nasty! No, I mean raw bell pepper. And green onions! They are awesome in a...
The Captain: Salad, yes I know.
Me: Look, this isn't going to work if you insist on treating me like a child. List more vegetables and I'll pick some.
The Captain: Cauliflower?
Me: Are you serious???
The Captain: Okra?
Me: Not in this lifetime.
The Captain: Green beans?
Me: *making vomit noises*
The Captain: Yeah, you are so not acting like a child.

This diet is going to be awesome, y'all.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Annnnd here come the diet tips...

Should I start? Ok. Cauliflower put on a baking tray and sprinkled with salt and a little olive oil and baked for 10 minutes makes for a delightful snack!

I've never seen this side of Captain Carl before., and...caring, and...nurturing, and...supportive, and *makes "call me" gesture to Captain Carl*...and what? No, I was scratching my ear!

plo said...

show those fat bitches, who is the biggest loser and win that cash!

kate said...

We just started one of those things at my office, too...I decided that I should participate since I no longer have the "stop eating crap so that you can fit into your wedding dress" excuse to not be a fatty. I'm pretty sure that the open bag of Cool Ranch Doritos on my desk right now are not helping my cause...

erin said...

I'm stuck at minus 25 pounds and I'm getting pissed.

So pissed, in fact, that I ate a mini hershey bar with my lunch today. The super duper healthy super low calorie lunch totally ruined by that chocolate bar. Totally fucking ruined. Fuck you candy bar! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways. I love veggies. So I'm no help whatsoever.

What about fruit?
Kiwis are super good for you. Apples are really cheap right now and are great for you. can make salsa and then dip your veggies in it instead of ranch. And the spicier the food you eat, the more endorphins are released into your body and voila! you feel good about the amount of food you ate, even if it's a small amount.

I don't like salt so I sprinkle tons of garlic powder and cilantro on my cauliflower.

Lana said...

eewww okra!!! no vegetable should ever be slimey on purpose :(

and i just ate a whole bag of creamy ranch flavored soy crisps for lunch. i tell myself that the soy makes it healthy. if i were in your diet group i'd pretty much be handing you my money.

Logical Libby said...

I HATE VEGETABLES!!! I do find that I don't mind roasted brussel sprouts with apples though. You should try it.

Also, wine makes vegetables go down easier.

Eva Gallant said...

Good luck! Dieting is the absolute worst. I have been on and off them all my life! (and still fat!)

Christine said...

Try not to think of it as a diet- try to think of it more as a lifestyle change- you should be getting a healthy serving of veggies and proteins no matter what. Also, just keep thinking of the money! Green tea is a great appetite suppressant, drink green tea instead of coffee and iced tea instead of soda. Don't sweeten with sugar. Try stevia- it's herbal so it won't cause cancer like aspertame alternatives (I used to be totally grossed out by this, but now I prefer it! I swear!) Also, whenever I'm hungry before bed, I eat dill pickles. They fill you up and they're only 5 calories each. If you're really trying to lose weight, be sure you're getting about 45 minutes of cardio 5 days a week! Good luck! I know I sound like a nut, but I haven't put on any weight in about 10 years... it DOES take discipline! :)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You really want to win? There's this stuff you can get at a health food store but it's like 30 buck for either the meal replacement drink for 14 days or 30 bucks for the capsules. The drink is called Slim Styles and it really does work. Get the chocolate, I hear it tastes better then the vanilla. Or, just take the capsules called PGX by Natural Factors. They make you feel full and so you don't want to eat as much. It's the best secret I know. I haven't tried it but I heard success stories from at least a dozen people. Come to think of it....I could really use it right about now! Those people at work don't read your blog, right?


kys said...

If vegetables tasted like candy bars, we'd all be thin.

Good luck!

Vic said...

Did someone send out a giant nation-wide memo on this? They just started this on my campus. What's worse is they put me on a "team". Ack. I hate teams.

They're going to hate me too, because I had cheesecake. And Halloween candy. I'm totally good at this, right?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Ha! "Can you bread it and fry it first?"

And THAT is why I love you Miss Yvonne :-)


Amy said...

The salsa idea is very good! You can make a huge "taco" salad. I like to make a standard salad and put it on top of a toasted crunchy tortilla with salsa. Its very good and if you have a few of them very filling.

What about cabbage soup?
Oh and pinto beans are low cal. and low fat. they take an endless amount of different seasonings.

Kurt said...

Here's a dieting tip:

Your mom.

Need I say more?

Jules said...

Yogurt works. And eating more soup does too. But not those creamy ones..... ;)

Kim said...

Brussel sprouts with apples??? What the fuck is wrong with those people from Utah??? I'm in the same predicament-- need to lose weight, want to lose weight, but can't seem to summon the willpower to do it. It's just hard to give a shit when faced with a big plate of pasta.

Mandy's Kidding said...

My personal trainer give this annoying advice: a fist-sized portion of protein, a fist-sized portion of veggies. Eat every two hours. Don't eat carbs, only you can eat oatmeal for breakfast and that's it for carbs. And lift weights. Muscle burns fat and makes you look skinnier. Small meals throughout the day keep your metabolism burning. No alcohol.

I know. You want to shoot yourself now.

just making my way said...

I don't care what SMU,K says, cauliflower is gross. I love how those parenting cookbooks tell you to mash cauliflower up and pass it off as mashed potatoes to your kids. That is just wrong.

But good luck and all!

Dani said...

Aren't raw vegetables supposed to be healthier for you anyway? Something about not breaking down the nutrients? Who knows.

Hey, at least he isn't trying to get you to eat the mashed veggies in a jar. I'm pretty sure then you would have a uber-solid case for saying he's treating you like a child.

diane said...

Steamed veggies, with olive oil, salt & pepper. You can fill up on this and not gain weight.
Small servings of lean meats and hard cheese.
No coffee. Switch to green tea. Studies show that women who switch to green tea and don't change anything else in their diet lose an average of 5 lbs. a month.
Do any of your friends do Weight Watchers? Photo copy the point pages out of their book and put it to memory.
I lost 30 lbs. with this system 10 years ago and never gained it back.
Good luck. xo d
word ver.-cupesily- or "cup o' silly", hehe.

Just.Kate said...

Wanna know my diet secret? No? Tsk.

It's "Eating Well When You're Expecting" by Heidi Murkoff.

Gay, you say? Creepy to lug around a nutrition book for preggos when you're not knocked up? Touche. BUT it concentrates on complete nutrition, not reduced calories. My deal with myself is this: as long as I eat enough of EVERY food group for the day, I can eat whatever shitty food I want. Sometimes that put me choking down a handful of raw spinach over the sink, but it totally works. Your body gets all balanced and... something about cravings or... whatever. You lose weight.

*Holds up book and smiles, makes sweeping motion under title with right hand*

Prosy said...

you don't like OKRA?!

Chris said...

Okay, now for some practical advice. My Catholic friends tell me that like 400 years ago the Pope declared fish to be a vegetable, which is why they can eat it on Friday. Seriously, look it up.

So, I kinda hate fish, but I'm thinking maybe we could start a movement to get someone (the USDA probably) to declare cheese to be a vegetable. You could get Captain Carl off your back and I could eat chicken with a side of cheddar. Topped with monterey jack.