Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Questions For The Ages. Or Google. Either One.

Everything is fine on the home front today...thanks for the well wishes. Sorry I can't say more, but I've decided not to blog about it as I like keeping this place fun and stupid and awesome and not all...you know...frowny. But I could totally change my mind later...so enjoy the hilarity while it lasts.

Questions for the Ages...brought to you by Miss Yvonne

What is the purpose of pubic hair? I mean, there must have been some function it was necessary for back in the caveman days or something. But I can't figure out why we haven't evolved by now and stopped growing it? It's just in the way and ugly and gross. You agree with me, right? Unless you're one of those weirdos who has a pubic hair fetish and watches old 70's pornos all day long to get your fix. In which case, stop following my blog, Mr. Masturbates Too Much.

And while we're on the subject, am I the only ridiculously beautiful woman on the planet who doesn't wax all their pubes off? Because I feel like I am. I'm a trimmer and shaver. I know Captain Carl would love if I waxed it all off but I just can't bring myself to do it. It sounds ouchy and once I let the Captain shave it all off and I was so red and irritated for days afterwards that I never let him do it again. It might have had something to do with the fact that I went for a long walk immediately after the shaving, but I guess we'll never know because I am not gonna chance it. Because a good bush is a terrible thing to waste. Or something like that.

Am I also the only amazingly gorgeous person on the planet who doesn't have an iphone and doesn't have internet access on their cell? I'll be all "I wonder how many calories are in this Big Mac?" when I'm out to eat at a fancy restaurant with my friend and they are all "Let me look it up" and they get all typey on their cell and they are all "2300 calories!" and they shove their awesome interwebs phone in my face and I'm all "Oh yeah? Well my phone has a picture of an adorable puppy on it. Top that!" and they are all "My phone can translate English to Japanese" and I'm all "Psshh, who the hell needs that?" and they are all "Me. On my trip to Japan next week" and I'm all "I hear they eat adorable puppies over there so I would never go there with my phone" and they are all "Are you drunk?" and I'm all "A little. Why do you ask?" and they are all "It's 11:30am" and I'm all "Way to tell time, McFly!" and they are all "Huh?" and I'm all "Oh, YOU know!" and then I bat my eyelashes at them for awhile and then they are all "Yeah, ummm....I gotta run". Which leads me to my next question....

Does anyone have an idea as to why I don't have many friends and the ones I do have tell me I am "Socially awkward and kind of weird"? Because I have it on good authority by a person known as Your Mom that I am super awesome and very hip and with it. I mean, if you want to call taking 15 straws at Wendy's and blowing the wrappers off of them at your face one at a time while singing a Debbie Gibson medley "weird", well then you have major problems of your own and I just can't respect your opinion.

What?? I'm on my third glass of wine on a Wednesday night and I never said these questions were for the intelligent ages. I did not specify that, no sir I did not. I mean, my blog has pictures of Pee Wee Herman and a stainy dog anus on it. What did you expect?

17 comments:

Just.Kate said...

I expect hilarity, woman! Hilarity!

Pubic hair is believed to A-trap the body's odor (skanky cootch was way "in" in prehistory. And in modern France. Tssh. France. Why don't they just SURRENDER to the new pube fad? Huh? Huh?! Get it?!?!)

and B- cushiony wonder.

And since you asked, I don't wax because it makes me feel like I'm 9 years old. It also makes me look fatter.

diane said...

My va-jay-jay starting turning against me when I was in my late 40's, sending me hot & cold flashes and crap like that. So I shaved the sucker bald, and it's been that way ever since. Don't regret it.
I totally got the McFly joke.
word ver.-bledn- ewwwww!

joeygirl said...

pubic hair on women protect the precious life and pleasure giver from dangerous objects flying into it and serves as a "bouncer" that allows only worthy men who want to work at the best job there is.

pubic hair on men serves as decoration.

Beckie said...

LOL!!! You are teh first person I have ever met to ever talk about yoru va-jay-jay like that. OMG!! I love it! I wax my eyebrows. that in itself is enough pain to teach me never to stray from the forehead with a piece of paper and some wax. I'd rather shave every few days rather than rip my va-jay-jay completely off.

Kurt said...

I don't have an iPhone either. I just hold a box of crayons up to my head and start laughing hysterically.

What? It's not like anyone calls me.

Except your mom. And she has my BONE Number!!! Wakka wakka wakka!! (*slide whistle*)

Prosy said...

I always thought pubic hair was like a shirt for your vagina to wear when your naked. So, like Eve wouldn't have been completely naked, because she was all hairy down there and it would be more modest see?
I too often give into the bare down there pressure. But I don't like it.

just making my way said...

Normally I wouldn't publish something like this - but I had the exact thing happen a week ago with the husband shaving pubic hair and I am juuuuuuusssst starting to feel normal again. AUGH!

Also? No iphone and I don't get internet service either. Oh em gee, it's like we're gorgeous people twinsees!

miss. chief said...

yeah I don't do the wax thang either. too much hassle. you know it grows right back, right?

also...my phone has four ringtones that I can choose from. FOUR! beat that!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I shaved bald once. Once. It wasn't sexy at all, it was moundy. Did you know you can get fat there? I didn't.

Nikki said...

I wax and it does hurt like the first couple of times BUT you also stop growing as much back after a while and you start to look like a redneck down there. Ya know cuz they can't grow full beards, they always have patches of hair missing. Whatever, I've said too much. Back to my hidey hole.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Waxing or shaving it all off is fine for like.....twelve hours, then it starts to grow back and OMG stubble in your fancy place? NO THANK YOU. I am a trimmer and shaver too. A nice tidy, pruned down rose bush as it were. No giant 70s fro of a vag for me, or as my sister calls it, a "bearded mary". The bald thing is too 12 year old girl for me and a little hair keeps your lala warm in winter. Plus you don't get a skanky cooch if you shower regularly. Pffft.

Tristachio said...

I bet pubic hair was a fire prevention system. They knew they were too close to their fires when their furry vagina's and penis' caught fire.

Also, in Febuary I'll probably be in the same State as you. Spooky.

Jules said...

You make me heart you more and more.......

P.T said...

I'm a shaver. Scared of wax too. Tried to get my legs waxed off but I couldn't go through. Too much pain. I used to trim in the winter because if I shave, while growing back, I'd get all scratchy. Since now I'm in the Caribbean I get rid of all pubes! Maybe one day, when I'm rich, I'll have it off permanently...LOL

Oh and iPhone sucks! Blackberry FTW! Hahaha

kys said...

I would kind of like to get a Brazilian but I would have to drive someplace far away from here.
#1. I'm pretty sure you can't get that done at Regis - what with the no walls and glass windows to the rest of the mall.
#2. Who wants to get their bush whacked at Regis? (That phrase isn't quite right but I've hit a wall.)
#3. Everyone knows everyone in this town and the next thing ya know the cashier at Wal-Mart is going to be asking me how bad it hurt.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I think we would totally be like bffs in real life. I get your sense of humor. I hate counting calories.

Jugs@@

Chris said...

1. Makes for better scratching.
2. No.
3. Now that I have one, yes.
4. Because you are awesome beyond most people's comprehension. It's possible you are transdimensional.