Monday, November 16, 2009

The One Where Emo Offers To Kiss My Son

We scheduled a college campus visit for the Kiddo last Saturday at one of his top choices. A few days earlier, Captain Carl asked me if we should invite Emo along. I laughed hysterically and was all "Bwahahahaa! You are hilarious!" and he was all "I'm serious" and I was all "Hoot! Stop stop! You're killing me here!" and he was all "I'm totally serious" and I was all "Hilarity! Hil. Ar. Ity." and then I wiped away my tears of laughter and realized that the Captain had fallen silent and was now staring into space with his exasperated husband face on.

(He made me black bar his protect his secret nerd identity.)

I was all "Wait, you're SERIOUS???".

So yeah, apparently the Captain thought it would be nice to bring Emo along since Emo's parents don't seem to be in hurry to help him get into a college (or at least try to get in) and since the Captain was raised by hippies and all that peace love and happiness and a little bit of weed stuff (okay a lot), he wanted to help Emo. I, on the other hand, wanted a quiet six hour drive.

Guess what?

Yeah, Emo totally came along.

So instead of quiet, the day involved amazing amounts of loudness, gross smells and many many Emo-isms.....

Emo on what he wanted for lunch:
"I need me a big ole' side of woman!"

Emo on the English language:
"I make up words all the time that should totally be in the dictionary. Like spagstonstic. Doesn't that sound like a real word?"

Emo on his lunch at Dairy Queen:
"I'm gonna run a train on these curly fries."

Emo on the Kiddo seeing two men kiss in person for the first time:
"Dude, I will kiss you right now if it makes you feel less uncomfortable." (The Kiddo declined)

Emo on the on-campus "talent":
"I've only seen, like, two girls I would get with here. I can't go to college here, everyone is too normal."

Emo on the student leading the campus tour:
"Check out that huge stick she's carrying. That's what I'm talking about!" (what?)

Emo on his figure:
"I should NOT be eating this ice cream. It will go straight to my thighs."

Emo on being a legend in his own mind:
"Ugh! If one more chick texts me today, I'm turning off my phone!"

Emo on the contents of the gift bags the college gave out:
"I hope they put laser pointers in here. That would be the epitome of sweet."

Emo on getting a free t-shirt from the college:
"Do I look like the kind of person who wears a college t-shirt? Scratch that. Do I look like the kind of person who wears ANY kind of t-shirt?" (Answer: Not unless it is see-through)

Emo on the scenery on the drive home:
"I see cows!!!"

The boy can seriously test my patience. At one point, I had to shush him like a toddler in church while we were in a financial aid meeting because he couldn't find his inside voice and Captain Carl kept flicking him on the back of the head during our tour so he would shut up. Seriously, I should have brought a bag of cheerios to keep him busy.

But we got to see his whole person light up when the Captain took him to the cinematography department. He also called me Mom all day, asked how he could ever repay us for taking him along and told us he hopes he will be friends with the Kiddo forever because then we will always be in his life.


Dang that kid for making me love his annoying ass.

This is our country's future, America.
You might consider moving to Canada.


Just.Kate said...

A-effin-dorable. I think I love Emo.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I am laughing OUT LOUD at the Emo-isms! That kid is a hoot. But Captain Carl's photo , black bar and caption was a show-stopper!

Thanks for a great read!

Harna said...

Awww, you did a good thing. You really did...I mean, taking Emo to a college as well as refraining from violence (minus minor flicking) and leaving him there. You're a more patient woman than I...Good stuff.

Tamis said...

I think I am in love with EMO in all his crazy antics...that is until I sit in a car with him for a million hours. Then I might change my mind.

Dear sweet baby Jesus...HAHAHAHA

Not Afraid to Use It said...

The Cheerios comment killed me. Note to self: Keep emergency stash of snacks in car for Emo Emergencies.

Anonymous said...

Tell Emo that I took a laser pointer from one of my students last week. Therefore I am the epitome of sweet.

And I might steal some of those phrases. I could use: -I'm gonna run a train on these curly fries.
-I should NOT be eating this ice cream. It will go straight to my thighs.
-Ugh! If one more chick texts me today, I'm turning off my phone! (Seriously, I'm in such high demand...)

Kristine said...

If "epitome" is already in his vocabulary, there's hope yet.
He sounds like he's turnin' out alright. Nice work "mom."

Kurt said...

I think "run a train on" is maybe the greatest phrase ever. Like "I'm gonna run a train on your mom. A semen train!"

Did I do that right?

Cassie said...

He's hilarious though! I like "the epitome of sweet." I might have to use that.

Ed Adams said...

For the longest time, like 5 minutes, I was reading Emo as Elmo.

I was all "WTF!"

Thought maybe you guys lived on Sesame Street or something.

Lindsey said...

Wait.a.minute! Did you just dis Canada?

Logical Libby said...

Is he wearing lip gloss?

miss. chief said...

Sometimes it just takes one nice family to take a chance on one emo to make the world a better place.

I'm happy you guys brought him, even if he did annoy the pants off you.

P.s. back off kate and tamis, emo is mine!

Anonymous said...

I saw Captain Carl and totally thought it was a picture of Kevin Smith at first and did a double-take and then laughed at myself.

I totally always put my silverware up to my face JUST LIKE THAT. But I'm normal so its ok...

erin said...

At first I thought that Libby was implying that Capt. Carl was wearing lip gloss...and I was thinking 'what the heck is she talking about?'...

But then I realized she meant one of the boys. Duh, erin. Duh.

kate said...

Teenaged boys are terrifying.

AtYourCervix said...

You *so* need to adopt Emo. He brings just the right amount of craziness into your life.

Zoe Right said...

I love EMO! That kid would fit right in with our family. Which i just realized says a whole lot about our family.

Zoe Right said...

Plus I think you deserve a medal. For taking him with you.

AtYourCervix said...

BTW, I think your Emo adventures/stories are *the best* evah!!!

mylittlebecky said...

"Dude, I will kiss you right now if it makes you feel less uncomfortable." holy lord that's the best thing ever! EVER!

kys said...

I'm frightened of my boys turning into teenagers someday.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Maybe you can buy some weed from his parents? ;)

I think he was made for the Librarian....


expateek said...

You are an awesome stand-in "mom" -- and Emo knows how fab you are -- and so does yr Kiddo. That's all good.

It's people like you, looking out for the un-looked-out-for, that make the world a better place. Thanks for that. I too love Emo. He seems like a bright light. Well done, girlfriend!

Mandy's Kidding said...

Is Emo wearing a sparkly striped hoodie?


diane said...

Emo's annoying as h*ll, but I love him too. You guys are the best thing in his life I bet.

just making my way said...

"spagstonstic" is the best word EVER! Emo should totally write for Webster's.

Hippo Brigade said...

Yup. Emo is a keeper. Can I go visit colleges with you guys too? Dairy Queen and kissing? Sounds like a goddamn blast.

Lamia said...

So, I'm just a-reading through your archives, and I have to say I love that Emo...and Kiddo, he's pretty cool too :P