The One Where Emo Offers To Kiss My Son

We scheduled a college campus visit for the Kiddo last Saturday at one of his top choices. A few days earlier, Captain Carl asked me if we should invite Emo along. I laughed hysterically and was all "Bwahahahaa! You are hilarious!" and he was all "I'm serious" and I was all "Hoot! Stop stop! You're killing me here!" and he was all "I'm totally serious" and I was all "Hilarity! Hil. Ar. Ity." and then I wiped away my tears of laughter and realized that the Captain had fallen silent and was now staring into space with his exasperated husband face on.

(He made me black bar his eyes...to protect his secret nerd identity.)

I was all "Wait, you're SERIOUS???".

So yeah, apparently the Captain thought it would be nice to bring Emo along since Emo's parents don't seem to be in hurry to help him get into a college (or at least try to get in) and since the Captain was raised by hippies and all that peace love and happiness and a little bit of weed stuff (okay a lot), he wanted to help Emo. I, on the other hand, wanted a quiet six hour drive.

Guess what?

Yeah, Emo totally came along.

So instead of quiet, the day involved amazing amounts of loudness, gross smells and many many Emo-isms.....

Emo on what he wanted for lunch:
"I need me a big ole' side of woman!"

Emo on the English language:
"I make up words all the time that should totally be in the dictionary. Like spagstonstic. Doesn't that sound like a real word?"

Emo on his lunch at Dairy Queen:
"I'm gonna run a train on these curly fries."

Emo on the Kiddo seeing two men kiss in person for the first time:
"Dude, I will kiss you right now if it makes you feel less uncomfortable." (The Kiddo declined)

Emo on the on-campus "talent":
"I've only seen, like, two girls I would get with here. I can't go to college here, everyone is too normal."

Emo on the student leading the campus tour:
"Check out that huge stick she's carrying. That's what I'm talking about!" (what?)

Emo on his figure:
"I should NOT be eating this ice cream. It will go straight to my thighs."

Emo on being a legend in his own mind:
"Ugh! If one more chick texts me today, I'm turning off my phone!"

Emo on the contents of the gift bags the college gave out:
"I hope they put laser pointers in here. That would be the epitome of sweet."

Emo on getting a free t-shirt from the college:
"Do I look like the kind of person who wears a college t-shirt? Scratch that. Do I look like the kind of person who wears ANY kind of t-shirt?" (Answer: Not unless it is see-through)

Emo on the scenery on the drive home:
"I see cows!!!"

The boy can seriously test my patience. At one point, I had to shush him like a toddler in church while we were in a financial aid meeting because he couldn't find his inside voice and Captain Carl kept flicking him on the back of the head during our tour so he would shut up. Seriously, I should have brought a bag of cheerios to keep him busy.

But we got to see his whole person light up when the Captain took him to the cinematography department. He also called me Mom all day, asked how he could ever repay us for taking him along and told us he hopes he will be friends with the Kiddo forever because then we will always be in his life.

sigh

Dang that kid for making me love his annoying ass.

This is our country's future, America.

You might consider moving to Canada.