Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Retirement: Just An Excuse To Be Drunk At 2pm On A Tuesday

So I went on vacation a couple weeks ago to visit my parents in Arizona. My parents are 71 years old and retired and spend their summers in Minnesota at the lake and their winters in Arizona in the desert in a retirement village.

Retirement village = Depends and yawning

Right?

Dudes. This place was the happiest place on earth. Disney World has fucking nothing on this retirement village. This was my daily activities calendar for eight straight days:

8am: Wake up. Sit around in pajamas for an hour. Eat breakfast consisting of bagel with cream cheese and an orange picked from the tree outside the patio door.

9am: Play tennis. Partner with 73 year old lady who used to babysit you when you were three. Get asses whooped by 71 year old dad and his 80 year old tennis partner.

11am: First swim of the day in heated outdoor pool.

12pm: Eat lunch consisting of sandwich and fresh squeezed lemonade from the other tree outside the patio door.

1pm: Nap.

2pm: Shuffleboard with 71 year old mom. Get ass whooped by three old ladies wearing plastic glittery sun visors and bermuda shorts.

4pm: Home to watch a half hour of Judge Judy.

4:30pm: Happy hour with parents and ten of their closest friends. Sit on the patio and drink freshly squeezed lemonade liberally laced with vodka. Get sloshed and listen to old people tell sex jokes.

6pm: Dinner at the clubhouse, followed by casino night/bingo night/billiards night.

8pm: Home for a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade liberally laced with more vodka.

9pm: Walk to the clubhouse with mom's two best friends to go swimming again.

9:30pm: Hit the hot tub. Share a six pack of canned Bud Light with old ladies.

10:00pm: Stagger home.

10:30pm: Sleep.

Okay, so maybe this might not sound like a ton of fun to some of you. But seriously, I had the best time. With three older sisters, I rarely get my parents to myself. And when I do, I remember how wickedly cool my dad is and how my mom and I can giggle like teenage girls for hours when we're together. And I'm sorry, but a place that lets you drink booze in the hot tub? Awesome.

And ladies? If you ever want to feel good about yourself, just go hang out at a swimming pool full of old men. I guess not having nipples that sway near my crotch and a swimsuit without a skirt down to my knees really does it for the retirement set. Rawrrrr, grandpa.

23 comments:

diane said...

Sounds like a blast. I used to love visiting my mom, happy hour was anytime we felt like being happy.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Sounds like fucking heaven. Fucking heaven.

Twisted Susan said...

I wish my mother drank.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I can't even tell you, there has never been a vacation invented that is more my ideal vacation than the one you just described.

Sandwiches? Hot tubs and beer?? Bingo night???

Question marks of disbelief!!

Mama Wheaton said...

Take me with you next visit!

Megs said...

I'm sorry, did you say Arizona or HEAVEN?!

Ed said...

I wonder if they could use an extra pool boy.

"Well HELLO Mrs. Robinson!"

Jules said...

I want to be retired. Today. Let's retire. Now.

AtYourCervix said...

I can haz retirement now, pleeze? Sounds like HEAVEN!!

PS - my word verification was CHEENUCE

otherworldlyone said...

Heated pool, naps, vodka, and sex jokes with old people? Sounds like a hell of a vacation to me.

Word verification: spitat. "Your vacation is nothing to spitat."

erin said...

well well well. Winters in Arizona, is it? What about Florida?

I just had a weird thought. When my momma is 71, I'll be 52. That means I might as well retire with my parents...

Yep, it's settled. I'll go call them now.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Thats sounds amazing. I wish I could retire. Only 40 more years to go! sigh

Sarah said...

OMG. Can I please go vacation with your parents?

The Yak said...

Christ, I guess I'm 48 going on 80. This sounds like BLISS. When the fuck can I retire?? What did your parents to to deserve such wondrous bounty?

Logical Libby said...

I always knew I was mature for my age.

Kim said...

My in-laws live in a nudist colony. They have naked dances and events all the time-- they are regular party animals. They call US uptight.

Tony said...

I can't wait till I get old! Seriously, those old people are having more fun than me! That's the way to live. That's like Utopia right there! I hope when I have kids, they'll be rich, because I'll purposely annoy the crap out of them so they'd send me to an awesome retirement home. Ensure and Depends?! Please and thank you!

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

Lemon-Vodka Bombs at midday? It seems some of us have already kick-started our retirement privileges long before our walk into the sunset...(uh-oh, boss is looming large today, no keeping the bourbon in plain view...pass it on...)

Lindsay said...

Last year I visited my parents in "The Villages" in Florida. Sounds VERY similar to this retirement utopia. It was wonderful.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I have older friends who retired to a community like this a few years ago when they were still in their 40s. I sometimes go visit them and it's exactly like that too. All their friends are older - in their 60s and above - and let me tell you, they know how to party. All they do is play golf, swim, shop and drink like alcoholics. It's a giant good time down there. Plus the roads are all private in their community so you can totally get ripped at their social club then drive the golf cart home sozzled. Good times. I hope to have such a great time when I'm older!

kate said...

GodDAMNIT! I want a sparkly plastic sun visor!

One of my favorite things about going home is getting sloshed with my parents and they're not even IN a retirement village. It's just going to get more epic as time goes on.

Just.Kate said...

I am totally 23 going on 80. Fuck New York City- I'm going to SunnyVale Retirement Villa!

Chris said...

A coworker and I had a long discussion one day about how we wished they would have places like that for people our age.