So I went on vacation a couple weeks ago to visit my parents in Arizona. My parents are 71 years old and retired and spend their summers in Minnesota at the lake and their winters in Arizona in the desert in a retirement village.
Retirement village = Depends and yawning
Dudes. This place was the happiest place on earth. Disney World has fucking nothing on this retirement village. This was my daily activities calendar for eight straight days:
8am: Wake up. Sit around in pajamas for an hour. Eat breakfast consisting of bagel with cream cheese and an orange picked from the tree outside the patio door.
9am: Play tennis. Partner with 73 year old lady who used to babysit you when you were three. Get asses whooped by 71 year old dad and his 80 year old tennis partner.
11am: First swim of the day in heated outdoor pool.
12pm: Eat lunch consisting of sandwich and fresh squeezed lemonade from the other tree outside the patio door.
2pm: Shuffleboard with 71 year old mom. Get ass whooped by three old ladies wearing plastic glittery sun visors and bermuda shorts.
4pm: Home to watch a half hour of Judge Judy.
4:30pm: Happy hour with parents and ten of their closest friends. Sit on the patio and drink freshly squeezed lemonade liberally laced with vodka. Get sloshed and listen to old people tell sex jokes.
6pm: Dinner at the clubhouse, followed by casino night/bingo night/billiards night.
8pm: Home for a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade liberally laced with more vodka.
9pm: Walk to the clubhouse with mom's two best friends to go swimming again.
9:30pm: Hit the hot tub. Share a six pack of canned Bud Light with old ladies.
10:00pm: Stagger home.
Okay, so maybe this might not sound like a ton of fun to some of you. But seriously, I had the best time. With three older sisters, I rarely get my parents to myself. And when I do, I remember how wickedly cool my dad is and how my mom and I can giggle like teenage girls for hours when we're together. And I'm sorry, but a place that lets you drink booze in the hot tub? Awesome.
And ladies? If you ever want to feel good about yourself, just go hang out at a swimming pool full of old men. I guess not having nipples that sway near my crotch and a swimsuit without a skirt down to my knees really does it for the retirement set. Rawrrrr, grandpa.
Twelve Years, Give or Take.
5 weeks ago