Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mama Don't Let Yer Babies Grow Up To Be Chain-Smokin' Lottery Players

The Kiddo turned 18 while I was in Arizona. Because I'm a bad mom and totally forgot about it when I scheduled my trip. Not that he really cared. I texted him early in the day to tell him happy birthday and that I loved him and the punk never responded. So I called Captain Carl and was all sniffly and whiny about how the boy doesn't care about me anymore and blah blah blah me me me.

But I know that's not really true. He was just excited because he's been looking forward to turning 18 for months now. Every time he'd get busted for doing something dumb or forgetting to do a chore or something, he would be all "Don't forget guys, I'm almost a man and soon I'll be able to do whatever I want". To which one of us would reply "Yes, a man with no job and no diploma (yet) and no money to do whatever he wants." and he'd be all "Yeah, but still." because our boy is a master debater. (twss, Kurt)

The Captain and I decided before I left on my trip that he should throw the Kiddo a party on his birthday. The only kind of party he was interested in was a poker party with "a few of my dudes". We knew what that meant....him and three other band nerds sitting around a table wishing they were somewhere else smoking pot and getting laid. So we recruited the Kiddo's girlfriend to make it a co-ed party worth bothering with. And since she friend requested me on facebook (sucker!), I saw the invitation she posted on her wall to all of her 326 friends. Sweet, this party was sooo gonna be rockin' Jake Ryan style. Look it up...I'll wait.

So the Kiddo had big plans for the morning of his birthday. He told the Captain the night before that he was getting up early and buying 1) a cigar 2)a lottery ticket 3)a pocket knife and 4)something from an adult video store. Just because he could. And that's exactly what he did. The something from an adult video store turned out to be lube and he was all "I don't even really know what to do with it" when he showed it to Captain Carl.

What the hell kind of parents are we? I mean, I can't believe he doesn't know how to use lube yet. We should be arrested for being the most lame (but still super sexy) parents ever in the history of parenting.

So weird that registering to vote wasn't on his list, right?

Anyway, the party was a smashing success. A whole 15 people showed up...a record for a boy who could never remember to invite anyone to any party he ever had (i.e. the $400 10th birthday party at Skatetown USA where only two kids showed up. Damn it.). There were even actual girls there. I got texts all night from the Captain saying things like "I got them to sing karaoke!" and "Emo brought a real live girl to the party!" and "I just busted two kids having sex in our driveway". I can't believe I missed it.

P.S. The Kiddo won $27 on his first lottery ticket. The little shit.

P.P.S. He told me the cigar "wasn't bad" and didn't make him cough at all. The little liar .


Logical Libby said...

He went to an adult store and bought lube? I am so betting he went in, blushed, and grabbed the first thing he saw.

I mean, cause that's what I did. Unfortunately for me, the first thing I saw was one of those giant latex fists.

otherworldlyone said...

Lube. Out of all the choices available...he chose lube. Sigh.

I didn't do anything exciting when I turned 18. I was a bad kid, already doing all the "good" stuff.

I am, however, making note of your parenting skills. Only 9 more years and I'll have a teenager to use them on. 13 is when it starts, right?

kate said...

Damnit. I still haven't ever won anything off of a Lotto ticket.

Oh, and Jake Ryan is a TOTAL dreamboat. That Carolyn bitch never deserved him.

miss. chief said...

Lube! He doesn't know what to do with lube? The fuck?
I love that you're excited that kids were having sex in your driveway. Cool mom alert.

diane said...

Is it strawberry flavored lube? Cause then you might really want to rethink your parenting. (I'm not really sure what I'm saying here)

Tony said...

Oh, turning 18. I remember I planned on going to the strip club, but then, I ended up spending all my money on scratch tickets. What a magical time!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

of all things he could buy, he got lube? LOL

AtYourCervix said...

You or the Captain must have a sit down with him about the lube.

PS - I remember my first time in a sex shop. Head down, quick in, quick out.

Kurt said...

I thought all kids had to take Lube 101 in Jr. High. Can you guess who taught it? Can ya?

It's okay...I'll wait.

Sarah said...


That really sucks. The whole point of becoming a parent is so you can scare the bejeezus out of horny teens.

Happy birthday to your baby!

Lindsay said...

The lube is the only thing he SHOWED you. The pocket pussy is hidden under his matress.

Cassie said...

You guys really are the most awesome parents ever!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...



Anonymous said...

Good boy, get all the taboos over that first day then it's plain sailing. 18. Exactly how old does that make YOU feel now Miss Y.? :) You're a pretty young smoking lady to have a kid that old.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I love when they say that they are a man and nobody is going to tell them what do to. (Nobody means mom, of course.) I always tell them a real man doesn't have his mommy buy his underpants.

I had to run out and buy a pack of cigarettes which I could not even finish even after a month.

Sorry you missed busting the sex in the driveway...it does sound like a TV show though. You could get the same actors from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Lube is a good solid choice. You don't need company to use it. But when company's a comin, you might wipe off the outside of the tube and put it on top of the pornos in your nightstand drawer. You might want to tell him sticky lube tubes are a turnoff.

Ed said...


You must of had him when you were 12.*

*shameless flattery*

When you said lube and cigars, I thought maybe he had a date with Monica Lewinsky.

P.S. You & Capt better make an appearance in St. Louis at the Roundup.

Char said...

Bwahahaha! Sounds like he really missed a great party. Loved all the comments. Too funny.


Just.Kate said...

Oh SHIT. For whatever reason, your son turning 18 has made me feel really old. I know a few months ago I was all, "When does he turn 18? *wink wink*" Now I feel creepy for even joking about it.

But hey! Sounds like a bitchin' 18th birthday. I think mine was spent at home with my parents. WILD. But not as wild as my 21st- which I spent with my dying grandfather! Woooohooooo!!

Joanna Jenkins said...

That sounds like an 18th birthday to remember! Good for him!

The list of things to buy totally cracked me up. I love that he actually went out and bought the stuff.... even the lube ;-)

Sorry you missed the sex in the driveway. That's bold.


Anonymous said...

...hahaha...lube? His heart was probably pounding so hard, he grabbed whatever was near and purchased it.Sorry you missed out on the sex action...would've been a colorful part of your blog.

Moooooog35 said...

Lube is an excellent first purchase at an adult video store.

Good party? Required for bumsex.

Bad party? You can still make out with your hand.

Stop picking on the kid, people.

Alison said...

"required for bumsex"... um, no thanks?