The Kiddo turned 18 while I was in Arizona. Because I'm a bad mom and totally forgot about it when I scheduled my trip. Not that he really cared. I texted him early in the day to tell him happy birthday and that I loved him and the punk never responded. So I called Captain Carl and was all sniffly and whiny about how the boy doesn't care about me anymore and blah blah blah me me me.
But I know that's not really true. He was just excited because he's been looking forward to turning 18 for months now. Every time he'd get busted for doing something dumb or forgetting to do a chore or something, he would be all "Don't forget guys, I'm almost a man and soon I'll be able to do whatever I want". To which one of us would reply "Yes, a man with no job and no diploma (yet) and no money to do whatever he wants." and he'd be all "Yeah, but still." because our boy is a master debater. (twss, Kurt)
The Captain and I decided before I left on my trip that he should throw the Kiddo a party on his birthday. The only kind of party he was interested in was a with "a few of my dudes". We knew what that meant....him and three other band nerds sitting around a table wishing they were somewhere else smoking pot and getting laid. So we recruited the Kiddo's girlfriend to make it a co-ed party worth bothering with. And since she friend requested me on facebook (sucker!), I saw the invitation she posted on her wall to all of her 326 friends. Sweet, this party was sooo gonna be rockin' Jake Ryan style. Look it up...I'll wait.
So the Kiddo had big plans for the morning of his birthday. He told the Captain the night before that he was getting up early and buying 1) a cigar 2)a lottery ticket 3)a pocket knife and 4)something from an adult video store. Just because he could. And that's exactly what he did. The something from an adult video store turned out to be lube and he was all "I don't even really know what to do with it" when he showed it to Captain Carl.
What the hell kind of parents are we? I mean, I can't believe he doesn't know how to use lube yet. We should be arrested for being the most lame (but still super sexy) parents ever in the history of parenting.
So weird that registering to vote wasn't on his list, right?
Anyway, the party was a smashing success. A whole 15 people showed up...a record for a boy who could never remember to invite anyone to any party he ever had (i.e. the $400 10th birthday party at Skatetown USA where only two kids showed up. Damn it.). There were even actual girls there. I got texts all night from the Captain saying things like "I got them to sing karaoke!" and "Emo brought a real live girl to the party!" and "I just busted two kids having sex in our driveway". I can't believe I missed it.
P.S. The Kiddo won $27 on his first lottery ticket. The little shit.
P.P.S. He told me the cigar "wasn't bad" and didn't make him cough at all. The little liar .
A Lifetime Sentence
1 month ago