I had a job interview a couple days ago. If they hire me, I would be getting a significant pay increase. I have no idea what my odds are, but I felt like I had a really good interview. When I told Captain Carl about it, he said I should send the manager I interviewed with a follow up email to thank him for his time. I was all "What do I say?" and he was all "Keep it short and sweet" and I was all "I can totally do sweet" and I guess that made alarm bells go off in the Captain's head for some reason because he was all "Don't be inappropriate". I have no idea why he would say that to me.
So here's the email I sent the guy.
Dear Mr Manager,
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to meet with you today. I sincerely appreciate your time and consideration. You seem like an accomplished purchasing manager. In my eight years in the purchasing business, I've known many managers *wink wink* and you are easily the most intelligent and snappiest dresser of all of them. For reals. I especially liked your slacks and how they fit you so well in the buttocks area. I know most people wouldn't say that to you. Most people would use the word "pants" instead of "slacks". Call me old fashioned. Or awesome. Whichever.
Anyway, I feel that I should perhaps clarify my answer to your question about what kind of salary I am looking for. When I said "I would prefer to start out high enough that I don't have to come to your house and perform special favors to earn overtime wages like I do with my current manager" I really meant "I am totally done exchanging sexual favors for money". Hope that clears things up for you. Because you looked kind of confused and I would hate to start out our business relationship with a misunderstanding. Although I thought you would have gotten my meaning, what with all those hand gestures I was making. But whatevs.
In conclusion, awesome slacks. If you hire me, I'll totally have your back. I just made up that rhyme. Can you believe that? It just like, totally came out of my brain and through my fingertips and into this email. Like magic. Or God. Unless you don't believe in God, then forget that part. Go back to magic. Or Buddha. Or ummm, Allah? I don't know, I'm not good at pretend religions.
UPDATE: Y'all. I got the job. For reals. Clearly I am a thank you letter writing genius.