Friday, March 5, 2010

Job Interview Tip #1: Always Be Rhyming

I had a job interview a couple days ago. If they hire me, I would be getting a significant pay increase. I have no idea what my odds are, but I felt like I had a really good interview. When I told Captain Carl about it, he said I should send the manager I interviewed with a follow up email to thank him for his time. I was all "What do I say?" and he was all "Keep it short and sweet" and I was all "I can totally do sweet" and I guess that made alarm bells go off in the Captain's head for some reason because he was all "Don't be inappropriate". I have no idea why he would say that to me.

So here's the email I sent the guy.

Dear Mr Manager,

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to meet with you today. I sincerely appreciate your time and consideration. You seem like an accomplished purchasing manager. In my eight years in the purchasing business, I've known many managers *wink wink* and you are easily the most intelligent and snappiest dresser of all of them. For reals. I especially liked your slacks and how they fit you so well in the buttocks area. I know most people wouldn't say that to you. Most people would use the word "pants" instead of "slacks". Call me old fashioned. Or awesome. Whichever.

Anyway, I feel that I should perhaps clarify my answer to your question about what kind of salary I am looking for. When I said "I would prefer to start out high enough that I don't have to come to your house and perform special favors to earn overtime wages like I do with my current manager" I really meant "I am totally done exchanging sexual favors for money". Hope that clears things up for you. Because you looked kind of confused and I would hate to start out our business relationship with a misunderstanding. Although I thought you would have gotten my meaning, what with all those hand gestures I was making. But whatevs.

In conclusion, awesome slacks. If you hire me, I'll totally have your back. I just made up that rhyme. Can you believe that? It just like, totally came out of my brain and through my fingertips and into this email. Like magic. Or God. Unless you don't believe in God, then forget that part. Go back to magic. Or Buddha. Or ummm, Allah? I don't know, I'm not good at pretend religions.

Sincerely,
Miss Yvonne


UPDATE: Y'all. I got the job. For reals. Clearly I am a thank you letter writing genius.


39 comments:

miss. chief said...

You got it without having to perform any sexual favors,? Well I don't even understand how you get a job that way but congratulations!

otherworldlyone said...

Congratulations!!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

If I were him, I probably wouldn't have given you the job because all you mention is how great his butt looks in the form-fitting slacks. What about the front??? I think you should have told how well endowed he was from the front.

Seriously, congrats!

erin said...

Wonderfulness. I loved the letter. Money is a-coming your way.

Mama Wheaton said...

Congrats on getting the job but I hope your new boss doesn't expect you to be flattering his private parts now all the time. Maybe you should write him a thank you note for getting the job!

Fragrant Liar said...

I think you got it cuz you didn't rule out sexual favors. You just said you wouldn't do it for money. So . . . good on ya! Congrats.

diane said...

That must have been one h*ll of an interesting interview, with all of those hand gestures *wink wink.
Congrats on getting the job. With writing skills like that, it won't be long before you'll be HIS manager.

Megs said...

Congratulations!

I will have to remember the tip about the "thank you e-mail." That's probably easier on my knees than what I've been doing as a thank you for interviews...

Can't believe someone hasn't hired me yet.

Marie said...

Congrats! I can't wait to hear the "thank you for hiring me" letter ha.

Logical Libby said...

The word slacks always makes me think of a 1970's JC Penney catalog. So does the word "bulge."

Good luck with th new job!

Moooooog35 said...

You're DONE with doing sexual favors for money?

Jesus, woman.

How do you ever expect to get a promotion?

You may want to rethink your position on that.

Literally.

Lindsay said...

That was the greatest letter of all time. Hands down.

Congrats on the job! Now you should give Renty and his cheeseburger cd case the boot!

Carolyn...Online said...

Congrats on getting the job! Maybe it was from appealing to the higher power of all those made up religions. Or the sexual favors thing.

Peggy said...

Nice work Ms. Y! Just goes to show you what hard work perseverance and a blow jay or two can getcha!

Congrats!!

Lindsey said...

Yay! Congrats! When do you start? Does this mean that you will have to actually work now, or will you still be able to listen to dirty audio books?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

YAY congratulations!!

Pretty soon you'll be on the receiving end of the sexual favors exchange, eh? EH?

Char said...

That's just fabs or whatevs. Sounds like you impressed the manager for reals.....you crack me up.

The Yak said...

Yay -- now you can throw away those kneepads! :-) Actually, if you want to tell him how you feel about his butt while also impressing him with your literacy, drop the word "callipygian" into casual conversation with him. Bosses love that shit. BTW I learned that word from a prim and proper widow of a fancy professor; she used it to describe a baseball player. 2nd BTW: my word verification was "perca". Perky buttocks! Supple, pouting breasts! (This makes little sense unless you're seen "Airplane"). OK I'll stop now.

Tony said...

CONGRATULATIONS! You truly are a letter writing genius. I only hope that you don't have to perform sexual favors for this manager. For the Captain's sake, you know?

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Woo woo! For selfish reasons I hope this doesn't mean less Bloggy time, we would miss you and your fine writing skills!

Think you could write a letter asking my boss for a raise? he likes to hear he has the prowess of a 30 year old.

I can pay you in beer or tequila.

Scrappy Doo said...

Congradulations! That e-mail had to be the "touching" I have ever read :-)

DevilsHeaven said...

Excellent!

Kurt said...

Woo Hoo! Good Job! And you didn't even have to hump on anyone.

You could teach your mom a thing or two.

I would hire you for any job in the history of ever, because you really are awesome.

Just.Kate said...

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations! I'm doing a happy dance in my local neighborhood coffee hub RIGHT. NOW.

You probably felt it from Texas. Yeehaw.

Sarah said...

What, what?! How fucking rad are you? Answer: SUPER RAD.
Congratufuckinglations! This is awesome!
(As long as it doesn't cut into your blogging time, because that would suck for me.)

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

The letter was so appropriate it was almost mundane.

And CONGRATS!!!!!

____j said...

That was probably the most awesome thank you letter ever written. I loved it. And Congratulations on the new job!

corticoWhat said...

You are a hoot (as we say down south).

Chris said...

Congratulations! The sexual favors for money thing can really cut into one's leisure time.

You said "buttock."

cassie.nativebeauty said...

That was a very interesting letter...I loved and obviously he did, too. Congrats on the job!

Ed said...

Congrats!

Who knew that pimps made their potential whores do interviews?

At least you passed, so "Yay You!"

just making my way said...

Woo-to-the-HOO! Here's to a new job which you totally scored without any sexual favors! You rock!

Joanna Jenkins said...

First of all-- Your follower up was interview perfection! and second--

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'm thrilled for you. When do you start?

Woo-hoo.
jj

kate said...

I'm going to steal that as my future post-interview-thank-you-letter template.

Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Lulu said...

Congrats on the new job - please don't tell us that you'll have to cut back on the blogging. Because that's just unacceptable. So don't dust off your knees yet. In the event....

Houston said...

Awesome! Congratulations and I hope Mr. Sweet Buttocks is a great boss.

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

You're a smart cookie...I would have used the word "trousers" in the clincher last paragraph rhyme....but then how in the name of holy zits can you rhyme something to "trousers"? So, congratulations on your epic win...hope the job doesn't suck. (Most jobs do though).

Hippo Brigade said...

Yay for you! congratulations on getting a new job, and with no sexual favors? You must be real smart and stuff.

Crystal said...

Holy crap you crack me up. You are quickly becoming my secret daily indulgence. Soon hubby will sonder who I'm spending so much time with...hope your cool being the "other woman" in my marriage!