I'm tired today. I got in my car this morning and the next thing I knew, I was in the parking garage at work. I have no recollection of how I got there. I was probably teleported without my consent. Or maybe I'm just so tired that I risked hundreds of innocent people's lives by driving while half asleep. Do you ever do that? Sometimes I will zone out while I'm driving and my eyes will go out of focus for a second and I'm all "whoa, I'm totally out of focus up in here!" and then I realize that could be dangerous so I decide to re-focus and have you ever tried to do that? It's super hard, especially when you start focusing and everything starts to get all sharp and pointy and harsh and you would really rather be unfocused and how hard is it really to drive in a Monet painting anyway? I'm thinking not very and it's way more relaxing. I hate when society tells me I have to be in focus all the time and paying attention....fuck you, society.
I just yawned a really huge yawn and sprayed myself and my keyboard with my own saliva. That's gross and yet kind of awesome when you think about it. If I could figure out how to do that on purpose, I could totally use it as a weapon to defend myself. Like when the guy who never washes his hands at my office moves in for a high five, I could just yawn and spray him with spit and also I would make a terrifying noise when I do it, like "Squeeee!!. I bet I would never have to high five him ever again.
There is a box next to the fax in our copy room that says "Fax Conformations". Really? I had no idea there was a need for this. Is there a contingency of rogue faxes out there needing to be corraled and conformed? And conformed to what? Collated copies? Laminated pages? Seriously, this is shit I need to know. Also, has anyone seen the fax confirmations box? Because I have a bunch that need to go in there.
P.S. Someone please email me at 9:15pm central standard time tonight and tell me to go to bed. Because apparently I need to be saved from myself as I cannot manage to crawl under the sheets until after 10:30. Also, when you email me? Remind me to buy Pop Tarts.
Texts from the Wife - Automobile Version
1 day ago