Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Have A New Weapon And It's Name Is Saliva

I'm tired today. I got in my car this morning and the next thing I knew, I was in the parking garage at work. I have no recollection of how I got there. I was probably teleported without my consent. Or maybe I'm just so tired that I risked hundreds of innocent people's lives by driving while half asleep. Do you ever do that? Sometimes I will zone out while I'm driving and my eyes will go out of focus for a second and I'm all "whoa, I'm totally out of focus up in here!" and then I realize that could be dangerous so I decide to re-focus and have you ever tried to do that? It's super hard, especially when you start focusing and everything starts to get all sharp and pointy and harsh and you would really rather be unfocused and how hard is it really to drive in a Monet painting anyway? I'm thinking not very and it's way more relaxing. I hate when society tells me I have to be in focus all the time and paying attention....fuck you, society.

I just yawned a really huge yawn and sprayed myself and my keyboard with my own saliva. That's gross and yet kind of awesome when you think about it. If I could figure out how to do that on purpose, I could totally use it as a weapon to defend myself. Like when the guy who never washes his hands at my office moves in for a high five, I could just yawn and spray him with spit and also I would make a terrifying noise when I do it, like "Squeeee!!. I bet I would never have to high five him ever again.

There is a box next to the fax in our copy room that says "Fax Conformations". Really? I had no idea there was a need for this. Is there a contingency of rogue faxes out there needing to be corraled and conformed? And conformed to what? Collated copies? Laminated pages? Seriously, this is shit I need to know. Also, has anyone seen the fax confirmations box? Because I have a bunch that need to go in there.

P.S. Someone please email me at 9:15pm central standard time tonight and tell me to go to bed. Because apparently I need to be saved from myself as I cannot manage to crawl under the sheets until after 10:30. Also, when you email me? Remind me to buy Pop Tarts.
Thanks, bitch.

23 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Dude, I was up until 2:00 this morning.

First because I was watching a movie. And then? Because I had cocktails I got all sorts of lovey and mopey and had to go stare at my kid and I woke him up.

So then he cried and then? Then I had to watch fucking Sesame Street until 2:00 in the morning.

Hi! Hate you morning.

Oh, so my word verification is fochorp and that totally reminds me of the time my ex asked me what was for dinner and I blurted out "Pok Chorps".

Trixie Buxom said...

I do that half-asleep driving thing all the time. The most awesome time was when I injured my back and decided I didn't want to be a hero anymore so I caved and bought some muscle relaxants. Now THAT makes for an interesting drive! The only thing that kept me alive was the rumble strips on the side of the highway. I actually had to pull over and take a nap.

To date, it was the highlight of my year. But I don't lead a very interesting life.

C Lo said...

Preach it to all the weary mommys, sister. Every morning, when I hit the snooze a million times, reason with myself that "I don't REALLY need a shower", and then FINALLY drag myself out of bed, I SWEAR I'm going to bed before 9:30 and then that night it's 11pm and I'm still awake. It's like we ENJOY torturing ourselves or something.

Kurt said...

I will always be willing to send a Pop Tart purchasing reminder. And also it's cool that you gleeked on your keyboard. Your pretty much a spitting cobra.

That's what she said.

sour said...

years ago i used to have three tongue piercings and every time i yawned the bottom of the barbells would push on my saliva glands and cause that to happen. i just got used to covering my mouth when i yawned, haha
so what i'm trying to say is
did you accidentally get your tongue pierced three times on your way to work?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The gleek is God's surprise gift, always when you least expect it. You probably won't gleek again until you forget about gleeks altogether, that's how much God loves surprises. Don't even try to pretend to forget, though, it doesn't work. It's like, he just knows, you know? Creepy.

erin said...

This is the millionth time I've heard complaints about not being able to sleep (or go to bed) this week. I was up till 1am and then the baby woke up at 5am. So now I'm caring for four children, trying to write AND dreaming about humping my pillows in some kind of deep dreamlike state. That would be bliss.
Love your blog, you're so cute.

Anna Russell said...

You could be that weird spit-yawner in the workplace and nobody would bother you, ever. And if they tried, all you need to do is look tired and they'll back off quicksmart.

Nikki said...

High five guy needs a shot of spit in the eye. That would be awesome!

Traceytreasure said...

Jugs!

Mona Lott said...

I never mastered the purposeful gleek, and I'm STILL beating myself up about it. Every dude in my freshman class could do it.... So if you know any unwashed teenagers, they could probably be informative!

(But they couldn't grow boobs so HAHAHA! I win!)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I just wanted to pop back in and congratulate you about your 12 comments so far. i know you're excited.

Dana's Brain said...

You're like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park that kills Newman. You should get a really big fan collar that you can rig to pop up whenever you gleek. That would be cool.

I have so done the sleep-drive thing. By the second head-bob I have to turn up the radio really loud and open the windows in the hope of making it home alive.

Aimee said...

You know, I am painfully aware of my saliva at this point in my life (since getting invisiline) and the gleeking has definitely been a fairly regular occurence.

And also - I sleep drive. My car knows the way.
We almost always end up in a walmart parking lot.
go figure.

Miss Yvonne said...

Everyone: I feel like a huge nerd because I'm obviously the only one who didn't know the saliva spray thing is called a gleek.

Mona Lott said...

I think you should probably feel relieved, darlink:D

Riff Dog said...

I do that open mouth spit thing at the dentist. Not on purpose, either. But you're right . . . I should use that as a weapon!

Scandalous Housewife said...

Wouldn't it be even cooler if your spit spray had some sort of color to it, like, say hot pink, and it left your victims with a fine mist of color?

Lulu said...

gleekin' awesome. And I didn't know it was called that either, but now I'm going to use it all the time. Gleek me.

Kurt said...

Comment #20 Motherfuckers!!!!

Miss Yvonne said...

Awwww yeah baby!! I'm in the big leagues now, bitches!!

Lotta said...

That whole focus, out of focus comment is the best description I've ever heard of my whole f'king life!

You are a genius.

Vic said...

I read your post twice this morning. The first time I laughed, and then, due to lack of sleep, totally forgot what you said.
So I came back and read it again. And laughed. Then I got a little vague in my head, and forgot to comment.

Third time's the charm!! (It's still funny, too! :)