Monday, April 20, 2009

This Is A Public Service Announcement

Listen up people....this is important shit.

The Kiddo got his driver's license last week. Yesterday he received his very own vehicle in which to drive himself to school, work and all future drug deals.


If you live anywhere in the DFW area I strongly suggest you steer clear of any and all late 90's white Ford Explorers for at least six months.

My sister gave it to him because she loves him and she's a big softy and also because she apparently hates me. Because now? I pretty much spend all my waking hours worrying about him out there alone, driving his own car that has a stick shift, for pete's sake. I mean, why couldn't his first car be small and automatic and without wheels or an engine? That would feel so much safer to me and I'm sure he would have just as much fun pretend driving it while he's sitting in the driveway as he will frolicking all over who the hell knows where in this death contraption my sister gave to him.

Hold on a sec, would ya?


Okay, so maybe I'm having a teensy little problem letting him grow up. Oh how I long for the days when all I had to worry about was if the Kiddo was having safe sex. Now I have to worry about him having safe sex while driving in his new car ala The Fast & The Furious. I've never seen that movie, but it seems like the kind that would have fast manual transmission driving combined with teenage sex. Wait, maybe not teenage sex just grown up sex...because if it had teenage sex, the "furious" part would reference when the teenage boy's parents find out he knocked up his slutty girlfriend in the driver's seat of his Grandma's Buick and let's face it, there would be no "fast" because hello? he's driving a Buick.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, my son and his sexmobile. Good times.


Betsey Booms said...

You should totally buy him some shag carpeting and a blow up mattress for the back.

Oh and maybe a bitchin' mural for the side too.

Kurt said...

I've only got a year and a half until my daughter gets her "whoremobile". I'm with you, Totally.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I have an idea for a business where I set up a hotline for other drivers to rat out teens on the road who drive irresponsibly. There would be bumper stickers with a phone number, and working the hotline would be me, fielding calls and narc-ing them out to their parents. I think this speaks volumes about my character. In a good way. Right?

Anonymous said...

I will warn my mother of the newest teen driver in DFW and provide a description of the vehicle.

I say you just lock him in the basement until he is 40 and pretend there was some sort of nuclear war or something. He will be none the wiser.

Lulu said...

I used to work with a doctor who was so proud of himself for having purchased an original big yellow Checker cab for his sixteen-year-old son - so dent-proof! Like driving a tank! So safe!

Until my colleague and I pointed out that yeah...all that AND.....that hugenormous bench backseat.

Where would we all have been without the backseats of those first vehicles???

Maybe he can lure some hot band babe from the opposing gang into his sexmobile....

He can retaleda to his heart's - or other body parts' - content.
Retaleda - word verification.

And yup - my kids are out of the house - been here....

Traceytreasure said...

You sound like me at this time last year.
It's the insurance part that kills me. I sure hope that your Kiddo is working so he can pay his share of it.

Everything will be fine. Don't worry so much!!
Big Jugs!!

Vic said...

Man this scares me. We're almost there too (I think I said that already, but oh well). My daughter keeps saying things like, "I can't wait until I can drive. I'll be FREE!" like she's currently in bondage.

Sacred Yoli said...

I think you and the Captain should beat him to the punch and sex up his car first. It may turn him off from any future fast driving sexcapades!



Sacred Yoli said...

Oh, and teehee to Kurt.

He said "whoremobile" :D.