Thursday, April 30, 2009

Miss Yvonne Meets Captain Carl: The Finale

You can read part 2 here...but don't feel like you have to because I'm sure you'd be able to figure out what's going on pretty quickly because I know y'all are smart peoples.

I just realized today is the last day of April and I haven't finished my love story yet. So here it is....I was going to write one more chapter after this detailing all the crazy awesome sex we had, but there are only 30 days in April, so it wasn't meant to be. Don't be sad. I'm sure you'll get over it in time.

Okay, so I finally agreed to a first date with this guy I met online. I hadn't been on a first date since high school....can you believe that? That's crazy, huh? I dated the same jerk for six years....from my senior year until I was 23 years old. And then I didn't date for two years straight because my head was all messed up. Needless to say, I was very nervous about this date. Terrified. Horrified. Petrified even.

So to help myself relax on the big day, I decided not to eat anything and drink a few glasses of wine. That way I'd be tipsy AND non-bloaty. I'm a genius, right?

About two hours before our date, I poured my first glass of wine and downed it in a couple of gulps. Then I poured another glass. Then I drank it and poured a third, which I took up to the shower with me. So I sipped my wine while I waited for the water to heat up, then jumped into the shower and took my sweet time getting ready. I was feeling pretty tingly by this time, so I was enjoying my preparations. I even sang a few songs while washing my hair.

And then things got ugly.

Apparently it's not a good idea to drink and then hang out in a wet bathtub, because I just about broke my leg that day. Towards the end of my shower, I slipped and fell. And I don't mean I kind of lost my footing and slipped around a bit. Both of my feet came out from under me and down I went on my ass. I managed to grab the shower curtain on my way down......and rather than hold me up or slow my fall, it came down on top of me along with the shower rod, which hit me in the forehead. So there I am, sitting in the tub with a shower curtain over me and water going everywhere because the shower was still on. One leg was hanging out of the tub and my right hip was already throbbing. I laughed hysterically for about 10 minutes and then crawled out of the bathtub. By the time I finished doing my hair and makeup, my arms and legs were covered in bruises. I shrugged it off and figured they would just add to my mystique. Kind of like how track marks make a hooker look all exotic and interesting.

So I finished another glass of wine before walking out the door to meet my date at a restaurant....and yes, I probably should not have been driving after four glasses of wine. Don't judge, yo. I was extra careful and drove slow and did a lot of gesturing out my window to tell people they should go around me. Plus I was wearing night vision goggles and it wasn't even dark out yet, so I was actually overly safe. More than necessary, totally extreme safe. What I'm saying is I should totally get an award for my amazing safety skills.

We had agreed to meet in the bar and luckily it was a Wednesday night, so it wasn't too busy. I walked in and there was only one guy at the bar, and he was holding a huge glass of beer and had a big smile on his face. I figured this was my guy, so I did this weird finger wave with my pointer finger that I had never done before in my life and walked over to him. His face was flushed and he looked nervous and relieved to see me. I said something brilliant like "Heyyyy, you!" and then gave him a sloppy drunk girl hug.

We got a table right away and I ordered a beer and a huge platter of enchiladas. Damn, that pre-date wine drinking really came in handy, y'all. I never ate much on first dates and was always nervous and shy....but this night I ate like a 21 year old frat guy, drank like a sorority girl and conversed the shit out of him. And we had the BEST time. For reals. We talked and ate and laughed and talked and drank and talked and talked and talked. The only weird thing was how he kept winking at me. Every time I would make eye contact with him, he'd wink. "Here's a picture of my kids"....wink. "I love to travel"....wink. Always with the winking. I figured he was either really bad at flirting or he had a tic.

So the date started at 7pm and at 11pm I looked around the restaurant and realized they were closing and we were the only ones still there. The bus boys were putting chairs up on top of all the other tables. We had been so absorbed in each other that we never noticed. It was straight out of an 80's romantic comedy movie starring Molly Ringwald and that dude....shit, what's his know, the guy with the hair and he always wore those clothes? That guy.

Once we realized the time, we left the restaurant and he walked me to my car. Then he politely told the weird homeless man that wandered up to us where he could cross under the highway to get to the restaurants on the other side that were still open. And then we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.

And we never saw each other ever again.

Just kidding.

We saw each other again the next weekend and I totally put out on the second date.

The End.

P.S. Turns out it wasn't a tic.....Captain Carl winks when he's nervous.


diane said...

Jon Cryer.
Cute hubby winks at me constantly, wtf? I figure he must really love me after 28 years and counting. Once, when he was in ER and in terrible pain, he kept looking over at me and winking. So I figure, it's code for I love you, or something.
(the bathtub fall made me lol) xo

Janine said...

Kind of like how track marks make a hooker look all exotic and interesting.

brilliant. I love this story!

Houston said...

That's great! It could only have been better if you all had gotten REALLY blasted and had a farting contest!

THAT would have proven ultimate comfort with each other from the get go.

You all are so in love.... ahhhhhh.

erin said...

I'm obviously a horrible influence on you- "Don't judge, yo."
If I had four glasses of wine I would be barfing on my date and sobbing about some sappy childhood memory. AND I'm a much better lay sober! I can't believe you didn't hit that winking fool the first night, yo!

Lana said...

you're so my hero for laughing and continuing to get ready after the shower mishap. it would have wrecked me, even with the power of about a liter of wine in my bloodstream.

that is totally the indicator that it was meant to be for you two!

Coastal Nest. said...

The best part of this story is when you fell down in the shower and laughed your ass off for 10 minutes..I love it when that happens to me--allbymyself..good medicine..

You and I would totally be baaaad for eachother..I think I love you..

thanks for being here, girl.
rock on.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I kept waiting for that one guy in the bar to be the wrong guy! Great story.

Mona Lott said...

Ahahahaha! Me too (above)! I thought you'd get home and find an email from The Captain asking what the hell happened:D

I'm glad it turned out to be him, this is a great story, ya big slut!

(Too soon? I meant it in a nice way, slut to slut, ya know..)

Miss Yvonne said...

diane: Yes! Jon Cryer!

Janine: Putting hookers in a story always makes it extra special.

Houston: The farting contest was after the wedding.

erin: I know, I totally want to hit it that night but I didn't want to seem too slutty. So I waited a week. I'm practically a nun, right?

Lana: The only reason I didn't burst into tears and cancel was because of all the wine. I love wine.

Coastal Nest: I think I love you too. Wasn't that a song in the

I'm Nate's Mom: Damn it! I should have totally written that way! Well shit.

Mona Lott: How else would I take such a compliment? I'm proud of my sluttiness. Also, I just realized your name is like "moans a lot". It only took me a few weeks to notice that. You are my new hero.

Lindsey said...

Did the Captain even notice the pimp bruises? Or did he see them on the 2nd date, if you know what I mean? wink wink..

Traceytreasure said...

Night vision goggles and it wasn't even dark yet? I'm a little scared because those remind me of the movie The Silence of the Lambs which we just rented for our son so he'd understand the South Park episode where Cartman is playing "Lambs"....anyway...what a lovely story!! I'm so glad that you put out on the 2nd date. Did he rub your hip to make it better after falling in the shower on your first date? Just curious(nosey)!!


Suburbia Steph said...

What an awesome love story....good for you holding out until the 2nd date!

rachie! said...

I love that Captain Carl nervously winks. I hope to meet him someday and that he's nervous.

Aimee said...

Dammit - I was hoping that the guy at the bar was totally the WRONG guy and you spent like all night with him before you noticed the lonely guy at the bar...who was your actual date. The guy you spent all the time with was just actually someone who thought he totally lucked out. hehe.