Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm Swagging The Crap Out Of This Party!

My friend Worky invited the Captain and me to his birthday party this weekend. Worky is gay and is all kinds of fabulous and I heart him to death because I've always wanted a gay boyfriend and even though we aren't all that tight, I decided that he was as close I was getting to one since Kurt ignored me when I asked him to be mine. Whatever Kurt,I'm totally karate chopping you in my mind.

Anyway, so Worky sent me an email last week asking me to come to his birthday party that he's throwing for himself, which is kind of weird and self-centered but that's okay because I let the gays get away with more social faux pas than everyone else on account of all the gay-marriage-is-illegal stuff...I figure they could use the break and I'm pretty much all about helping out people who are discriminated against who can also give me bitchin' fashion advice.

So I told the Captain about the party last weekend and he said sure, why not, so I emailed Worky back and said yes. And then the invitation came in the mail.

Holy Rupert Everett, that invitation was so gay it practical yelled "bitch please!" when I opened it. It's got a black border with pretty silver swirly thingies on it and the middle is white with a silver border. Well color me fancy, Reba! And it says "You are invited to attend the star studded event of Worky's Birthday" and then proceeds to tell the when and where and all that business. And then it says "Theme for the party is 'Paparazzi' so dress to impress. Guests are encouraged to wear black, turquoise or silver." It also mentions that there will be a turquoise carpet for photo ops upon arrival. Included in the envelope are two VIP passes that say we should bring them to the party"for a chance to win swag". Holy shit, people! Swag!

So now I'm all excited and jumpy and clappy when I showed it to Captain Carl because hello! this party sounds so fun and girly! The Captain reads the invitation, looks up at me with one eyebrow cocked and says "Oh hell no". I ignore his comment and start talking about what I'm going to wear and what I can find in his closet for him to wear and that's when the Captain grabbed my arm and said "I am not wearing anything turquoise". Party pooper. So I tell him "That's okay, you can just wear one of your plaid shirts and you go can as a Bear. I'm sure all of Worky's friends will love you."

Yeah, he didn't like that idea either. But he said he'll still go with me since he's a good guy and he remembers how Worky drove all the way out to the sticks to our house for our Christmas party last year. Hurrah! I'm totally making him listen to Mariah Carey on the drive over to help us get in the mood.

I found a sweater in my closet that is black and silver and I'm trying to convince the Captain to wear it to the party but he keeps saying "that's your sweater, I can't wear that" and I keep telling him "trust me, you'll fit right in" and then he looks at me all worried and then I laugh and then he gives me the finger and then I say "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" and then he says "That doesn't even make sense" and then I say"Your mom doesn't even make sense! Boo-ya!"

I'm pretty much a genius at comebacks.


Betsey Booms said...

You know I'm crushing your head right now, right?

Oh seriously? You have the best word verification ever.

It's Shanesse. That? Is totally your name for the party.

Solanaceae said...

Holy funny! So nice to know we are not the only people who talk to each other like that. Except one of us would have said "holla" instead of "boo-ya" before busting out the totally excellent disco karate chop moves. Thanks for the much needed morning giggle

Kurt said...

I wish my gay friends would have swag parties instead of hanging around the bowling alley and telling cunnilingus jokes. Your way is much more fancy.

"hanging around the bowling alley and telling cunnilingus jokes" is not code for anything. That's really what they do.

Traceytreasure said...

Why doesn't Capt. Carl just go as a Paparazzo? I've seen them on TMZ, they wear whatever the hell they want to! He can carry a camera and take pictures of everyone!! I hope you guys have a great time!! If you're dressed to impress or you look like you're going to a Prom, a picture is in order!!
I just saw Betsey's comment and looked down at mine, I swear to gawd, it says "bighness"
Sorry Betsey, I've got the best Word Verification EVER!!
Big Jugs!
Big Ness! (the h is silent!)

Anna Russell said...

Gay man-friends are the bomb. All of the man, none of the trying to get you drunk and sleep with you (well, not from their perspective anyway). You should totally go as Karen and Jack (who everyone knows are way better than Will and Grace). Just tell the other half the Jack is really Jack Bauer or someone like that. He'll never suspect.

(word verification: Prove. Kind of a literal one).

Mona Lott said...

*sobs uncontrollably*

I miss my gay party people. Stupid motherhood and drag parties are "so far"!!!!!!

I love that he won't wear turquoise. That's hysterically manish.

spitandvinegar said...

You should host a Yo Mama party where there will be swag handed out to people with the best comebacks and mom jokes. It will be like a funner version of that show that failed with Wilder Valderama and with less Wilder Valderama.

Gavin said...

I'm creating a spiritual bond with the Captain, the thought of Maria Carey on the drive over has tapped into my survival rage, I usually only use it for alien or polar bear attacks but Maria Carey can trigger it too.

Anonymous said...

I have a gay friend and I call him my social accessory because you pretty much have to have a gay friend these days or your just a loser.

Have Super Much Fun! and save some swag for the after party! *wink*

Lana said...

that party sounds like such a blast! gay friends are so super awesome and always make things more fun. my gay friend wouldn't let me come to his pool party but promised next time he had a party for straights that i could come. that was last year :(

Cassie said...

That part about him dressing as a bear made me laugh so hard that the other people in the coffee shop just all started staring at me. *sigh*

Vic said...

Can I come with you? I always want to hang out with the Queer Eye guys.

Tell Captain Carl he can wear the plaid if he agrees to a little glitter eye shadow to "festive" it up.

Lulu said...

I loved the part about jumpy and clappy and happy and girly - because you know that I would go to Worky's party with you and we would totally dance with our hands up in the air and going WOOOOO HOOOOO and showing off how hot we are in front of our gay admiring friends.

word ver - rotscoa

doesn't really mean anything but everyone ELSE was doing it - and YES, I would jump off the roof if all my friends were doing it, mom.

Speaking of doing it - ummmmm HELLO? Speaking of swag - giveaway over on my blog, yo!

Lulu said...

And I only had to immediately leave another comment because the word verification is drockidy.

Drockidy. You're going to get all drockidy at the Workidy party!

Prosy said...

Haha, this is a good one. A keeper. Unfortunately for me, my real life boyfriend is border line gay. I think he just pesters me for sex all the time to throw me off the obsession with ballroom dancing and tight tshirts.

Dana's Brain said...

*sigh* It's been so long since I've been to a fabulous gay hosted party.

I'll probably have to move back to Key West to go to another one. And as fun as that was, I think I'd eventually miss my family and all.

I hope you have a wonderful time. Good luck on the swag!!

HappyHourSue said...

My greatest fear as I age is that i will die without having a gay friend. it is my life's ambition and I'm doomed to fail miserably as I'm living in upscale suburbia.

So I'm going to blog-friend your gay friends, if that's OK.