My friend Worky invited the Captain and me to his birthday party this weekend. Worky is gay and is all kinds of fabulous and I heart him to death because I've always wanted a gay boyfriend and even though we aren't all that tight, I decided that he was as close I was getting to one since Kurt ignored me when I asked him to be mine. Whatever Kurt,I'm totally karate chopping you in my mind.
Anyway, so Worky sent me an email last week asking me to come to his birthday party that he's throwing for himself, which is kind of weird and self-centered but that's okay because I let the gays get away with more social faux pas than everyone else on account of all the gay-marriage-is-illegal stuff...I figure they could use the break and I'm pretty much all about helping out people who are discriminated against who can also give me bitchin' fashion advice.
So I told the Captain about the party last weekend and he said sure, why not, so I emailed Worky back and said yes. And then the invitation came in the mail.
Holy Rupert Everett, that invitation was so gay it practical yelled "bitch please!" when I opened it. It's got a black border with pretty silver swirly thingies on it and the middle is white with a silver border. Well color me fancy, Reba! And it says "You are invited to attend the star studded event of Worky's Birthday" and then proceeds to tell the when and where and all that business. And then it says "Theme for the party is 'Paparazzi' so dress to impress. Guests are encouraged to wear black, turquoise or silver." It also mentions that there will be a turquoise carpet for photo ops upon arrival. Included in the envelope are two VIP passes that say we should bring them to the party"for a chance to win swag". Holy shit, people! Swag!
So now I'm all excited and jumpy and clappy when I showed it to Captain Carl because hello! this party sounds so fun and girly! The Captain reads the invitation, looks up at me with one eyebrow cocked and says "Oh hell no". I ignore his comment and start talking about what I'm going to wear and what I can find in his closet for him to wear and that's when the Captain grabbed my arm and said "I am not wearing anything turquoise". Party pooper. So I tell him "That's okay, you can just wear one of your plaid shirts and you go can as a Bear. I'm sure all of Worky's friends will love you."
Yeah, he didn't like that idea either. But he said he'll still go with me since he's a good guy and he remembers how Worky drove all the way out to the sticks to our house for our Christmas party last year. Hurrah! I'm totally making him listen to Mariah Carey on the drive over to help us get in the mood.
I found a sweater in my closet that is black and silver and I'm trying to convince the Captain to wear it to the party but he keeps saying "that's your sweater, I can't wear that" and I keep telling him "trust me, you'll fit right in" and then he looks at me all worried and then I laugh and then he gives me the finger and then I say "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" and then he says "That doesn't even make sense" and then I say"Your mom doesn't even make sense! Boo-ya!"
I'm pretty much a genius at comebacks.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago