An email conversation between my sister, Lizard, and myself. Lizard is 11 years older than me and is turning 47 next week....
Me: We're coming over on Sunday for your birthday. What do you want Captain Carl to make for your dinner?
Lizard: King Ranch casserole please! I have wine and beer here already so you don't need to bring any.
Me: That's good because I really need to get my drink on and we're broke, so I'll just go on a bender on your dime.
Me: This is going to be the best 50th birthday party ever!!!
Lizard: not cool.
Me: Whatever, that joke so WAS cool! I'm going to use it every year until you actually turn 50. That gives you what, like one more year of hearing it, right? hee hee, I did it again! I'm so awesome, it's ridiculous.
Lizard: so awesome....not.
Me: (getting nervous that Lizard is truly not happy with me) Don't worry, the Kiddo still thinks you are younger than me.
Lizard: At least I still have that...
Me: (uh oh) And your health! You have your health, don't forget about that. That's a good thing to have at your age. hee hee? Is it getting old yet? I never know when to quit. P.S. Also, please remember that it is okay for me to tease you about your age because I am fat. Fat people get a free pass. Now it's your turn...make a fat joke. But not a mean fat joke. A funny fat joke. And not a "ha ha that was so mean it was funny" fat joke. A "ha ha that fat lady is hilarious!" joke.
Lizard: Okay. Once there was a lady who had an older sister and that lady was not nice to her older sister, so the older sister kicked her fat ass.
Me: Ummmm, is that a real joke? Or are you trying to tell me something?
Lizard: take a guess...
Me: (oh shit) Ummm, the first one?
She hasn't written back yet. I hope she still lets me drink her wine on Sunday.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago