Friday, September 18, 2009

I Think I Pissed Her Off. Again.

An email conversation between my sister, Lizard, and myself. Lizard is 11 years older than me and is turning 47 next week....

Me: We're coming over on Sunday for your birthday. What do you want Captain Carl to make for your dinner?
Lizard: King Ranch casserole please! I have wine and beer here already so you don't need to bring any.
Me: That's good because I really need to get my drink on and we're broke, so I'll just go on a bender on your dime.
Lizard: cool.
Me: This is going to be the best 50th birthday party ever!!!
Lizard: not cool.
Me: Whatever, that joke so WAS cool! I'm going to use it every year until you actually turn 50. That gives you what, like one more year of hearing it, right? hee hee, I did it again! I'm so awesome, it's ridiculous.
Lizard: so awesome....not.
Me: (getting nervous that Lizard is truly not happy with me) Don't worry, the Kiddo still thinks you are younger than me.
Lizard: At least I still have that...
Me: (uh oh) And your health! You have your health, don't forget about that. That's a good thing to have at your age. hee hee? Is it getting old yet? I never know when to quit. P.S. Also, please remember that it is okay for me to tease you about your age because I am fat. Fat people get a free pass. Now it's your turn...make a fat joke. But not a mean fat joke. A funny fat joke. And not a "ha ha that was so mean it was funny" fat joke. A "ha ha that fat lady is hilarious!" joke.
Lizard: Okay. Once there was a lady who had an older sister and that lady was not nice to her older sister, so the older sister kicked her fat ass.
Me: Ummmm, is that a real joke? Or are you trying to tell me something?
Lizard: take a guess...
Me: (oh shit) Ummm, the first one?

She hasn't written back yet. I hope she still lets me drink her wine on Sunday.

18 comments:

Mona Lott said...

See, I think that whole conversation was hilarious... Maybe age kills our sense of humor?

Kurt said...

You're pretty much the funniest sister ever. Trust me. No matter what she says or how hard she cries, you are hysterical.

The Peach Tart said...

Perhaps she needs the wine so she can lighten up a little. Just suggesting.

Houston said...

Drink a lot so the beating won't hurt as much.

Hey, get it going on Saturday. I am trying to talk THE WIFE into hanging out on Saturday with Captain Morgan since it's "Talk Like a Pirate Day!"

Logical Libby said...

My younger sister is turning 30 this year. Every time I mention it she hangs up the phone.

diane said...

Try telling her that you didn't realize how touchy she is about her age, and that it took a while to get into your "fat" head. That might soften her up.
No contest, btw, you're funnier.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

My younger sister is nice to me however I get that sort of belligerence from my brother and I'm only NINE MINUTES OLDER than that fucker. Pardon my francais.

Candice said...

Gift her with a penis straw and all will be forgiven.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I think she is torturing you because you do it to her.

I don't think she's miffed at all, but then again, what do I know? I tease all my sisters because they are all older than me.

Jules said...

Fat is a free pass? Rock on!!!

just making my way said...

My older sister is turning 40 next month. Since she often provides me with free wine, I'm going to learn from your experience and keep my mouth shut!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Maybe if you bring her a penis straw or two?

Have fun and have one for me!

Jugs@@

Vic said...

Old is worse than fat I think. You can't undo old without ending up like Kenny Rogers.

You should wear a puffy vest to the party to prevent bruising.

Prosy said...

I love being the younger sister. Joke about her wrinkles. They love that.

Brandy Rose said...

I'm the older sister. So I guess I have to look forward to using wine to keep my little sister behaving.

Lulu said...

Huh. So if I'm old AND fat, then I can tease everyone because they can get back at me?

Umm. Cool. I think?

I'll be your sister and you can tease me all you want and then I'll say "your mom's a tease" and then you can get mad at me double.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Happy birthday Lizard! She sounds just like one of my sisters :-)
xo

otherworldlyone said...

Hahaha! Sounds like me and my sister. Except she calls me a whore and I call her a brown nosing cheerleading spawn of satan.