P to the A to the P to the SMEAR

You know your day is gonna be great when you hear "Go ahead and spread your legs as far apart as you can" first thing in the morning.

Yes, it's that time of the year people. My annual female humiliation disguised as a preventative health check. The pap smear. Also known as "The Speculum Spread" and often referred to as "The Vaginal Invasion". It's the day that your husband smirks and says something stupid like "Damn I'm glad that I'm a dude" or "At least you don't have some guy poking you in the pooper". This is the same day that you, if you are anything like me, punch your husband in the nards and yell back "Imagine that, only with a big shiny metal instrument spreading your pee hole open and then come talk to me!".

I've been putting off my pap for a couple of years. Yeah yeah mom, I know. But last week I had no choice but to schedule it because my doctor was holding my thyroid medication hostage until I agreed to come in and have it done. See, I go to my GP for just about everything. I don't have a special coochie doctor like most women. Mainly because my GP is quick and efficient and doesn't spend much time with me when I visit her. Normally this isn't such a good thing, especially when you have questions about why you are still fat after 2 years of taking thyroid pills and she's all "Maybe eat less french fries. Try it." as she's walking out the door. But I've found that when I'm there with my lady parts up in the air, I prefer that my doctor not dilly dally.

Dilly dally. Huh, I just turned into my Grandpa.

So anyway, when I called in last week for a pill refill, my doctor told me she would call in a prescription but only if I schedule my pap smear first. Quite the negotiator, that one. So I sighed and was all "Fine, but only if it's first thing in the morning because I want to make sure I'm fresh as a daisy for you, doc."

So that's how I ended up sitting on the examination table at 8:30am today, wearing nothing but a bunch of paper towels. The nurse said it was a "gown" but fucked if I saw anything gowny about that thing. It had holes that I assumed were for my arms but that was about the only thing that resembled an article of clothing. And thanks to the nurse who was all "The opening goes in the front" before she left me to strip down, because otherwise I probably would have put it on backwards and hahaha! that would have been funny when it was time for the breast exam! As soon as she left, I put one arm into the gown and promptly ripped the back of it in half.

Then I spent about 15 minutes sitting on the table reading the big poster about all the different kinds of intestinal diseases that were listed on it, sweating in the air conditioning while trying to keep my Brawny quicker picker upper gown up on my shoulders and over my boobs. Oh yeah, I also had the paper sheet over my lap "for modesty" as the nurse told me. Oh yeah? For modesty? Well thank you baby Jesus for that, because otherwise this procedure would be soooo not modest! I feel so much better about having my stomach covered while my tits and ass are hanging out all over the place!

Finally the doctor comes in and without so much as a howdy-d0, she flips out the stirrups and is all "Scoot down and put your feet up". While I'm doing that butt scootching move that all us ladies know all too well (am I right, girls??? Up top Steamy!), the doctor turns on a spotlight and aims it right at my cooter. Well I'll be damned, looks like my va-jay-jay is finally getting her moment in the limelight! I only wish she had prepared a monologue for the occasion. Instead she just sat there, all a-quiver and clenchy.

So in goes the speculum and suddenly my normally quiet doctor decides to have a conversation with me about the swine flu. She was all "So has anyone at your work been sick?" and I was all "Ummm, a few I guess" and she was all "We've been so busy here, it's just crazy" and I was all "Oh really? Haaa, well I guess it's that time of year?" and she was all "Not really, that's what is so strange about it. Okay a little pinch here..." and that was when I realized my butt cheeks were clenched so tight, you couldn't have pushed a dime in between those bastards.

It did actually go pretty fast and when she moved to my chest, I tried really hard not to laugh when my tiny little doctor had to practically climb over me to get to my right boob. It looked like she was kneading a giant ball of dough. Really white, pasty dough with a nipple.

P.S. I also had to give a urine sample and I peed all over my hand. Awesome.