Monday, September 28, 2009

P to the A to the P to the SMEAR

You know your day is gonna be great when you hear "Go ahead and spread your legs as far apart as you can" first thing in the morning.

Yes, it's that time of the year people. My annual female humiliation disguised as a preventative health check. The pap smear. Also known as "The Speculum Spread" and often referred to as "The Vaginal Invasion". It's the day that your husband smirks and says something stupid like "Damn I'm glad that I'm a dude" or "At least you don't have some guy poking you in the pooper". This is the same day that you, if you are anything like me, punch your husband in the nards and yell back "Imagine that, only with a big shiny metal instrument spreading your pee hole open and then come talk to me!".

I've been putting off my pap for a couple of years. Yeah yeah mom, I know. But last week I had no choice but to schedule it because my doctor was holding my thyroid medication hostage until I agreed to come in and have it done. See, I go to my GP for just about everything. I don't have a special coochie doctor like most women. Mainly because my GP is quick and efficient and doesn't spend much time with me when I visit her. Normally this isn't such a good thing, especially when you have questions about why you are still fat after 2 years of taking thyroid pills and she's all "Maybe eat less french fries. Try it." as she's walking out the door. But I've found that when I'm there with my lady parts up in the air, I prefer that my doctor not dilly dally.

Dilly dally. Huh, I just turned into my Grandpa.

So anyway, when I called in last week for a pill refill, my doctor told me she would call in a prescription but only if I schedule my pap smear first. Quite the negotiator, that one. So I sighed and was all "Fine, but only if it's first thing in the morning because I want to make sure I'm fresh as a daisy for you, doc."

So that's how I ended up sitting on the examination table at 8:30am today, wearing nothing but a bunch of paper towels. The nurse said it was a "gown" but fucked if I saw anything gowny about that thing. It had holes that I assumed were for my arms but that was about the only thing that resembled an article of clothing. And thanks to the nurse who was all "The opening goes in the front" before she left me to strip down, because otherwise I probably would have put it on backwards and hahaha! that would have been funny when it was time for the breast exam! As soon as she left, I put one arm into the gown and promptly ripped the back of it in half.

Then I spent about 15 minutes sitting on the table reading the big poster about all the different kinds of intestinal diseases that were listed on it, sweating in the air conditioning while trying to keep my Brawny quicker picker upper gown up on my shoulders and over my boobs. Oh yeah, I also had the paper sheet over my lap "for modesty" as the nurse told me. Oh yeah? For modesty? Well thank you baby Jesus for that, because otherwise this procedure would be soooo not modest! I feel so much better about having my stomach covered while my tits and ass are hanging out all over the place!

Finally the doctor comes in and without so much as a howdy-d0, she flips out the stirrups and is all "Scoot down and put your feet up". While I'm doing that butt scootching move that all us ladies know all too well (am I right, girls??? Up top Steamy!), the doctor turns on a spotlight and aims it right at my cooter. Well I'll be damned, looks like my va-jay-jay is finally getting her moment in the limelight! I only wish she had prepared a monologue for the occasion. Instead she just sat there, all a-quiver and clenchy.

So in goes the speculum and suddenly my normally quiet doctor decides to have a conversation with me about the swine flu. She was all "So has anyone at your work been sick?" and I was all "Ummm, a few I guess" and she was all "We've been so busy here, it's just crazy" and I was all "Oh really? Haaa, well I guess it's that time of year?" and she was all "Not really, that's what is so strange about it. Okay a little pinch here..." and that was when I realized my butt cheeks were clenched so tight, you couldn't have pushed a dime in between those bastards.

It did actually go pretty fast and when she moved to my chest, I tried really hard not to laugh when my tiny little doctor had to practically climb over me to get to my right boob. It looked like she was kneading a giant ball of dough. Really white, pasty dough with a nipple.

P.S. I also had to give a urine sample and I peed all over my hand. Awesome.


26 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm first here because of the word "Smear" in the title. Smear is like my Bat-signal.

Ah yes, the scootchy scootch move. I know it well. So well that it's almost easier than walking, really.

Logical Libby said...

I go to the same doc as my sisters and Mom. I always wonder if there is a family resemblance.

miss. chief said...

don't worry about the whole peeing on your hand thing. i'm pretty sure that's part of the lab test.

diane said...

You can make a party out of anything, can't you? The peeing on the hand thing is great, tee hee.

Vic said...

Why is it that those paper gowns look so much like a giant paper towel, but they don't actually absorb anything? They get all slidy. From being all sweaty.

Yeah. Sweaty.

Kurt said...

You really are turning into a grandpa. Mine was forever bitching about his OB/GYN too.

HAHAHAHAHA! Get it? Up top!

Jules said...

And THAT'S why I go to the OB-GYN. You get CLOTH gowns....

Ahhhh......so much better than paper.

Miss Yvonne said...

Steamy: Smear is a pretty awesome word. Except when it's combined with "pap".

Libby: I bet your doc would tell you that they all start to look alike after awhile.

miss. chief: Good to know. Next year I'm not gonna worry about it.

diane: I was actually sitting on the exam table thinking "The only good thing about this is that I get to blog about it later".

Vic: You are so right. My pits were sweating a river and that stupid gown didn't absorb one damn drop.

Kurt: I totally get it! I see your "Up Top" and I raise you a "Holla!"

Jules: No shit, cloth gowns?? Damnit!

Houston said...

If my doc tries to talk during my prostate exam I am so punching her.

Especially if she tries to talk dirty to me.

April said...

Ha! Thanks for the laugh. Perfect description of the whole event. I get my husband back by scheduling a prostate exam for him with a 5 foot filipino woman with a mustache. I was reading a blog of bad dr. stories the other day and this one lady said the speculum got stuck on open and it took about 5 people coming in there and wiggling it to get it close enough to come out. Oh the horrors!

erin said...

After 36 months almost back to back of being poked, prodded and 'checked', I'm not sure that I will ever go into a gyno's office ever ever again.
This post reminded me once again why.

plo said...

Oh lord, you had me at P.

Mona Lott said...

Ya know what I like to talk about when I'm getting a gina full of speculum? Midgets.

True story.

Fumbling confidence said...

Pretty amazing that it is funny only when you are not the one to scootch all the way down. Thanks, I really enjoyed this.

The Peach Tart said...

I hate these tests and that paper towel gown you speak of.

Tiffany said...

this is freaking hilarious. i'm so glad i found your blog!

Kim said...

When I had my first sonogram with my son my husband decided to come along. Who knew the doctor would be performing the procedure with a big dildo-looking device that he would molest me with? Most awkward three-way conversation ever.

KLaw said...

Holy shitbags, this was FUNNY!!!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I don't miss those things. Not one bit.

It was nice of you to be fresh as a daisy for her. She probably wishes that more people were like you!

Jugs@@

CrazyAssMomma said...

um, your friend jules? her OBGYN gives them cloth gowns??? holy shit.

i see the obgyn. and its paper.

but yea, i can relate to it all.... my doc holds my birth control hostage. and aint no effin way im missing THAT pill. noooooo siree.

and this year? my doc decided to do a running monologue on the state of US healthcare while checkin my junk.

just making my way said...

Where the F is Jules' doctor? CLOTH? CLOTH? Inconceivable!

Amber Dawn said...

I would like to find the ratt bastard that created those paper gowns and shove a speculum up his arse, spread it and see how many paper gowns fit. Then I would cover said person with a cloth sheet, you know, for modesty and such.

Markitos said...

Fuck!! First I blow my drink out my nose then moments later I pee'd myself... That was a great read
Thanks M.

Secret Agent K said...

I made my boyfriend come with me the last time I had a pap done, ya know so he could stfu about the whole, ehh blue balls. It was nice to see his face go from all smirky to terrified in three seconds.

I got taken out to dinner that night so, WIN!

PS my verification code word for this comment is LABIO. Dude, that's just awesome!

txtingmrdarcy said...

My doc totally did the same THING. She was asking me about my vacation plans to Block Island and discussing the weather while "doing my checkup". Like, I'm sorry that my va-jay-jay is so average that you need to make other conversation.

otherworldlyone said...

Well, at least I know someone else pees on there hand.