I love football. I love it so much, I want to hump the tv when NFL pre-season starts every summer. I get all hot and bothered when we go to our first high school game and the Kiddo's band plays the official NFL theme song. I practically jump Captain Carl's bones when we walk into the stadium and I smell the popcorn and see all those idiot kids walking around acting like they are just the shit and hey kid, I was once your age and I once walked around the football stadium all cocky and full of myself and guess what? You are sooo not the shit! In fact, you and all your little friends are nobody's! You are like a tiny little blip on the earth's radar. Your life is so insignificant that most of us will never notice you when you walk by and no I am not jealous of your youth and carefree life, so shut up!
So yeah, football. Since I am from Minnesota, I am loyal to my home state team. Go Vikes! I'm not as upset as some about Brett Favre and I am not here to discuss him or Jackson as a backup or how I'm still upset about Gary Anderson missing that field goal in the playoffs against Atlanta in 98 and that should have been our year in the big game, you jerk! Perfect all season and then you pick the most important moment to screw it up! Your name should have been Chokerson, not Anderson!
Anyway. So Captain Carl is, of course, a Cowboys fan. Because we live in Dallas. And because apparently he loves teams who can't win a game in the playoffs. Oooooh, snap! Oh no I didn't!!
The Cowboys played the Vikings last Friday night and even though it was just a pre-season game, it was a big deal to us because hello rivalry! We decided to make things a little bit more interesting since neither 1st string QB's were playing...we made a bet. If the Vikings were ahead at the half, Captain Carl would have to give me a 15 minute back massage and a spanking (what? oh like you don't do that, shut up!). If the Cowboys were ahead, I would have to give Captain Carl a blowjob "to the finish". What? The finish is the worst part! The Captain is always all "I read if you eat pineapple it tastes sweet" and I'm always all "Then how come you never eat pineapple?" and he's always all "Oh right, like that would make you do it more" and I'm always all "Your mom does it more" and he's always all "She probably does!" and I'm always all "Blech!!!" and he's always all "I win!".
So the game starts and the Captain is all "Oh man, my blowjob is going to be soooo awesome" and "Boy oh boy, I sure do like blowjobs". He was so sure his precious Cowboys were going to woop up my Vikes. Yeah, that didn't happen. With 3 minutes left in the 2nd quarter, the Vikings were up by two touchdowns and looking strong. I chose this moment to start rubbing (ha!) it in. There was a long pass and I started pumping my fists in the air and yelling and then I was all "oooh ouch, my shoulder is killing me" and "You know what's really weird? My lower back is suddenly bothering me for some reason!" and the Captain was all "Damnit, Cowboys! You cost me a blowjob! I'm totally writing Jerry Jones a letter." I went ahead and wrote it for him. I just need to get Mr. Jones email address and we're good to go....
"Dear Jerry Jones,
Sincerely, Captain Carl"