Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dear Jerry Jones....

I love football. I love it so much, I want to hump the tv when NFL pre-season starts every summer. I get all hot and bothered when we go to our first high school game and the Kiddo's band plays the official NFL theme song. I practically jump Captain Carl's bones when we walk into the stadium and I smell the popcorn and see all those idiot kids walking around acting like they are just the shit and hey kid, I was once your age and I once walked around the football stadium all cocky and full of myself and guess what? You are sooo not the shit! In fact, you and all your little friends are nobody's! You are like a tiny little blip on the earth's radar. Your life is so insignificant that most of us will never notice you when you walk by and no I am not jealous of your youth and carefree life, so shut up!

ahem

So yeah, football. Since I am from Minnesota, I am loyal to my home state team. Go Vikes! I'm not as upset as some about Brett Favre and I am not here to discuss him or Jackson as a backup or how I'm still upset about Gary Anderson missing that field goal in the playoffs against Atlanta in 98 and that should have been our year in the big game, you jerk! Perfect all season and then you pick the most important moment to screw it up! Your name should have been Chokerson, not Anderson!

ahem

Anyway. So Captain Carl is, of course, a Cowboys fan. Because we live in Dallas. And because apparently he loves teams who can't win a game in the playoffs. Oooooh, snap! Oh no I didn't!!

The Cowboys played the Vikings last Friday night and even though it was just a pre-season game, it was a big deal to us because hello rivalry! We decided to make things a little bit more interesting since neither 1st string QB's were playing...we made a bet. If the Vikings were ahead at the half, Captain Carl would have to give me a 15 minute back massage and a spanking (what? oh like you don't do that, shut up!). If the Cowboys were ahead, I would have to give Captain Carl a blowjob "to the finish". What? The finish is the worst part! The Captain is always all "I read if you eat pineapple it tastes sweet" and I'm always all "Then how come you never eat pineapple?" and he's always all "Oh right, like that would make you do it more" and I'm always all "Your mom does it more" and he's always all "She probably does!" and I'm always all "Blech!!!" and he's always all "I win!".

So the game starts and the Captain is all "Oh man, my blowjob is going to be soooo awesome" and "Boy oh boy, I sure do like blowjobs". He was so sure his precious Cowboys were going to woop up my Vikes. Yeah, that didn't happen. With 3 minutes left in the 2nd quarter, the Vikings were up by two touchdowns and looking strong. I chose this moment to start rubbing (ha!) it in. There was a long pass and I started pumping my fists in the air and yelling and then I was all "oooh ouch, my shoulder is killing me" and "You know what's really weird? My lower back is suddenly bothering me for some reason!" and the Captain was all "Damnit, Cowboys! You cost me a blowjob! I'm totally writing Jerry Jones a letter." I went ahead and wrote it for him. I just need to get Mr. Jones email address and we're good to go....

"Dear Jerry Jones,

Fuck you.

Sincerely, Captain Carl"

18 comments:

Lana said...

i know nothing about football but i can certainly appreciate a little wager between spouses. sometimes you have to get creative to get a good massage!

Mr. Glob said...

That is hilarious... however, it seems to me that the bets were a little uneven

back massage compared to blowjob(to the finish no less). Maybe its just me, but I think captain carl got off easy - not literally

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG that was a riot.

For some reason, I don't imagine he gets many letters like that and will appreciate it.

If not, well, maybe it's because he made the same bet with his wife. :-)

Kurt said...

I like to place bets that are sure things. Like "I bet I can fall asleep before you finish that blowjob". Win/ win.

Mona Lott said...

You are such a special lady to make me laugh about football. I'm a bitter, bitter Raiders widow.

Betsey Booms said...

In person, to my face you said:

"pussy on a pedestal"

And that? Was less disturbing than all of this.

Fo' Reals.

The Peach Tart said...

Honey I think this could be my favorite post ever of yours and that's saying a lot because you know I'm one of your stalkers/biggest fans.

I do have to agree with Mr. Glob here about the uneven wager. I would have at least asked for a back massage and a foot massage but you could also go for the g-spot massage if the Vikes got so far ahead. Just suggesting and I am available for pimping/negotiating duties between you and Captain there. Think about it.

miss. chief said...

i kinda dozed off at the beginning there, what with all the football stuff, but then i noticed something about eating pineapples and i was like "wait, what?" because i was skimming, then i went back and WTF half of it is about blowjays
awesome!

Jules said...

I would never bet that! Hubby would enjoy the spanking too much!! ;)

Imnotbenny said...

This whole post was just a big bowl of entertaining stew.

Pass on my condolences to your husband about his blue balls.

Samsmama said...

I never, ever bet my husband on anything. He gets enough blowjobs.

And, really, would spanking you have been that big of a loss for him?

beth said...

i would never bet a blowjob to the finish, 'cause that really is the worst part. glad to hear you won!

Amy said...

As an Eagles fan I would never bet on my team - they suck too bad (we're tough fans in Philly). I'm especially upset with my team now that they hired animal-torturer Michael Vick.

Glad you won your bet - sorry Captain!

otherworldlyone said...

I always get the best ideas here.

Prosy said...

Maybe I should start caring more about football. I went to a college where football was a BIG DEAL and I went to one game. And I left about 10 minutes later and went to a bar. I'm good at tailgating though. And blowjobs.

just making my way said...

I love football. Lurve it! Not sure I'd bet a blowjob - but my husband and I root for the same team, so it's really a moot point.

Houston said...

Dear Captain Carl,

I am very sorry my Dallas Cowboys (tm) let you down. I want every Cowboys (tm) fan to be as satisfied with them as I am.

I would like to extend to you the offer of "ONE FREE BLOW JOB" which I presonally will make arrangements for.

Also Wade (Phillips) does ask that you not eat pinapple before he performs on you since it interferes with his tongue stud.

Sincerely,
Jerry Jones
Owner/GM of the Dallas Cowboys (tm)

plo said...

Ok, now it all makes sense. We are both from MN.