Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sweaty Butt Crack Is The New Old Spice

My sister Lizard and her boyfriend took Captain Carl and I out for dinner on Saturday night. We went to this cool place in Dallas because Lizard won a four course dinner there for four people. And since we were eating for free, we drank expensive drinks and ate overpriced food and then had s'mores for dessert. $14 s'mores. I guess they cost $14 because the marshmallows were homemade and they were orange and mango flavored and also they brought us our own little campfire and put it on our table for us to light our marshmallows on fire and then laugh hysterically while we waved them over our heads and yelled "Yee haw, motherfuckers!!". Cause we're classy like that and also we might have been drunk.

The place was pretty cool and therefore we totally did not belong there. But I think we disguised our uncoolness really well. The Captain and I decided to wear crocs and t-shirts that said "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing to each other. Except we sat on the wrong sides and so our arrows were pointing in opposite directions and made it look like we were referencing the people sitting at the other tables and how do you know they weren't stupid? so shut up. My point is that we so totally blended in with the hip crowd that people kept coming up to me and asking "Are you Lisa Loeb?" and I would answer "Yes I am" and then I would autograph their napkins with "Your mom stays. Love, Lisa".

Lisa Loeb is still hip, right?

Here's a pic of the restaurant. What you can't see is Captain Carl just off to the left swinging his flaming marshmallow around like a lasso. Good times.


So then we convinced Lizard and her man to come with us to the jazz club. They hung in for about an hour and then decided to leave. Too bad for them, because they missed out on the best thing that happened all night. You're probably thinking what could be more awesome than mango s'mores? and I will admit the s'mores were great, but they ain't nothin' compared to this.


Well hi there old people! Hey, you know how you're sitting at one of those high tables with the stools? And you know how most everyone else in the place is sitting in booths that are way lower than your table? Yeah maybe next time not so much wine drinking, huh? Because I didn't come here to see you two old geezers drunkenly groping each other. And hey old lady? Ass crack is really not sexy enough to shove your hand down into in public. I mean, it's no boob cleavage. I wouldn't know (thank God), but I bet sweaty old man butt doesn't exactly smell like roses. Just sayin'.

P.S. Two more days until the moron twins move out! Squee!!!

20 comments:

diane said...

So, I was looking at the other guys in the old people photo and wondering if there are any men in your area who still have their hair.
I would love me some mango smores. Yeeehaw!

miss. chief said...

that is a little too much pda, emphasis on the A if you know what i'm sayin'

Kurt said...

I can't believe you're so stuck up, Lisa Loeb. Love cannot be conquered, even the pink fleshy, wrinkled love that these two obviously share.

I bet you just threw up mango s'mores in your mouth a little.

Dana's Brain said...

Wow - she's not kidding around there, is she? That's not just a little tickle, she's practically up to her elbow.

I could make a really bad s'mores joke right now. But I won't.

Kristine said...

I get that Lisa Loeb shit all the time! Good thing she's still pretty much the coolest rocker out there, otherwise I'd be insulted.

I had to a double-take with the PDA...I didnt' realize her hand was DOWN his ASS. :(

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahaha! I can't believe they gave you people fire!

Candice said...

I think she's relieving his impaction or something. It looks like it could be serious. We shouldn't judge on the amount of ass action going on there.

GAG

Little Ms Blogger said...

I bet you were just jealous of the hot monkey love going on in front of you...

Jerrod said...

Old lady is reaching in there like she lost a sandwich or something.

Brandy Rose said...

That last photo was so disturbing that it only took one glance before my eyes were avoiding it at all cost.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Holy Fuck, I'd love to party with you guys!! I need to learn how to write words on pictures!!! You fucking rock, woman!!

Jugs!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your mom stays? Oh my god. I totally want to Top Gun high five you right now for that one.

Miss Yvonne said...

diane: There are some, but they are hard to find in a jazz club.

miss.chief: In fact, I do know what you're sayin'...word.

Kurt: Thanks a lot. Mango s'mores are really gross the second time around.

Dana's: I'm so disappointed you didn't make your s'mores joke. Come back and tell it!

Kristine: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she was trying to get to his balls...maybe I should have told her she was doing it backwards.

Mona: I know, right??

Candice: Heh heh, you said impaction. Gross.

Little Ms: I was in fact NOT jealous...only because I didn't want my fingernails to have brown stuff under them the rest of the night.

Jerrod: Or her dignity...either one.

Brandy: That's so weird, because when I saw it live I could not stop looking and I also for some reason took a picture.

Momster: Why thank you, I do rock!

SMU, Kid: Only if I get to be Goose and after our high five we play volleyball without our shirts on.

razorsandvines said...

I've just spent the last hour going back and reading things you've written.

You're hilarious!
I love the way you write.

Vic said...

After I was thoroughly grossed out by the full-throttle ass-grab, I noticed that HIS arm is more than likely completely down her shirt.

What fun for the rest of the table!

jessica o said...

Lisa Loeb's dad is my mom's doctor at Baylor Hospital.

LOVE the photos and informative scribblings on them!

Glad you had a nice dinner on the cheap. Those are the best.

TishTash said...

Maybe he's rich and maybe she's a gold-digger and maybe she hasn't closed the deal yet. She's working hard for it, so I hope he isn't tight-fisted with the cash, otherwise her deep-fis...

Blech. I can't do it.

Joyful said...

Seriously? Your own little campfire? I love the sound of that!

Brian said...

Whatever man, the lady just wants to get some stank on it.

LiLu said...

Ah, hahahahaha! I am SO glad you got a picture of that! *Reminds self to carry camera at ALL times so as not to miss life's beautiful little moments like this*