Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Wolverine Claw Attack!!


So I won something super cool over at Stir Crazy in the Suburbs...an electronic Wolverine battle claw that her son didn't want because it was "queer". Saaweet!! She picked me because I said I would punch my renters in the face with it if I won, and she agreed to send it to me but only if I provided photographic evidence. And I was all "fuck yeah! Any reason to punch those jerks!" and so she sent it.

Dudes, this claw is sooooo NOT queer. It's like the most super awesome plastic claw I've ever owned. I mean, it has this!


And this!!


Electronic sounds, people! I stuck some batteries in it and wouldn't you know? It makes a sound vaguely reminiscent of butter knives clinking together when you extend the claws. Hot damn!

And the best part? The claws extend when you fling the handle thingy forward, so you're all "Dum dee dum, here I am with a giant plastic fist. What's that? Someone is getting mugged down the street? Wapawww!!" and out come the claws.

This thing is so awesome, we call it "The Claw" and we say it in a deep wolveriney voice.

So yeah...I promised to take pics of me punching the renters with my radical claw. Ummmm, see it's like this....what had happened was, basically I was unable to get any actual pictures of the attack. Because it happened so suddenly, as claw attacks are prone to develop in the blink of an eye. A blink, people! Eco was getting some ice cream and I saw him drip some on my kitchen floor and when he walked away without cleaning it up, the claw just appeared as if from nowhere and suddenly I was bitch slapping him with it. So yeah...no time to get a picture.

That may or may not have happened.

Bottom line, I did not get the promised picture. But instead, I offer you these....

This is the Kiddo showing me what he thinks of The Claw.


Excellent finger extension, son! Isn't he cute? I love his sweet yellow face.


The Claw often shows up on Captain Carl's hand. He mostly uses it to do this...




Somehow The Claw ended up in my cleavage today. I'm pretty sure the Captain dared The Claw to do it. And because The Claw is a bad ass, he totally did.



After it copped a feel, The Claw and the Captain high-fived and the Captain was all "Get some!" and The Claw was all "Titties!" and the Captain was all "Dude, that was wicked awesome" and The Claw was all "Yeah, wait until she goes to bed!" and the Captain was all "Hey man, that's my wife" and The Claw was all "I know...honk honk" and the Captain was all "Don't make me retract you" and The Claw was all "Aw come on man, I was just playin!" and the Captain was all "Just don't let it happen again" and then The Claw was all "Sure sure, sorry......honk".

Then The Claw moved on to more important matters....BATTLE!

After the boob honking, The Claw starts wandering around the house, looking for his next victim and poor Max was just sitting there, minding her own kitty business. So The Claw started poking her.



And Max was all "Bitch, you best get out my face" and The Claw was all "Your mother was a barn slut" and Max was all "Watch your mouth" and The Claw was all "Your mom watches my mouth" and then Max was all "That's it! Get me some vaseline, these rings are comin' off"....and then the battle began.


The Claw went for the jugular right away....


But Max fought back with a bite to the The Claw's pointy finger....


And then unleashed her secret weapon...the head butt....


But it was all for naught.....The Claw was too powerful and electronic for Max and she was forced into submission.


And now The Claw sits on the fireplace mantel as a warning to past, present and future renters...


Be careful what you say or do.....those who dwell in this house have the power of The Claw in their grasp. Also, you pay us to live here so you know, don't be a jerk about things. I mean, would it kill you to be decent once in awhile?


p.s. Thanks Peggy for The Claw....my whole family loves you for sending it to me!

24 comments:

expateek said...

As soon as I saw your cleavage with THE CLAW, I knew it was goin' down, an' goin' down bad...

Great job, making me laugh myself witless. Now how will I finish paying my bills online, you skank? I was trying to do something responsible and serious here, and you've totally messed it up.

Thanks a whole lot.

Cassie said...

I NEED one of those!

Lulu said...

maaaaannnnn.........how did you get into the lucky winner zone?????? I want me some o' them claws!!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You are so lucky!! Make sure that you keep it locked up so that it can't be used against you. I have a feeling that with the Claw comes lots of POWER.. Use the Claw wisely and don't let it be used against you....
Seriously, sometimes I wish I was lucky like you are. You seem to be lucky lately!!

Honk honk!!

Jugs!!

diane said...

That was such a great story, you moron! (just kidding about the moron) Can we see some more cleavage?

jessica o said...

Poor kitty. And I thing THE CLAW is bi. Did you notice how he grabbed Cap'n's ass?

Kristine said...

Holy crap, we have like the same cat. I have a feeling you might like yours a bit more, however.

Miss Yvonne said...

expateek: One of my goals is to make people laugh themselves witless so that they'll be on the same mental playing field as me. My work here is done.

Cassie: You DO!

Lulu: I think I'm lucky with the blog giveaways because my real life is in the crapper. You know, yin and yang.

Momster: Don't worry, we put the club on The Claw so that no one can steel it.

diane: Hey moron, I don't go around showing my cleavage all day long you know! Oh wait, yes I do.

jessica o: I did notice that...me thinks The Claw has some 'splaining to do.

Kristine: You would be wrong...my cat is a she-devil bitch from hell. I love her, but I don't like her.

Kurt said...

"Honk, Honk" is universal code for "I love you". A sensual Boob Honk is how most love affairs begin. Unless the girl is super stuck up and on line at the bank (apparently)

Logical Libby said...

That cat is going to kill you in your sleep...

Peggy said...

Awesome pics! I have to say, the attack on the kitty might have been my all time favorite! Looks like you're all having a great time playing wolverine! Glad I could help in bringing you all closer as a family! :)

Kate said...

Oooh! I think that my cat, Gus, needs a little rumble time with The Claw. That would at least give our other cat a break from getting his ass kicked around the house all day.

HONK, by the way, is a fantastic game!

Captain Carl said...

Remind me again why we have to show my bald spot in every picture?

kisses H.O.T.H.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahaa! I love the one of Max pinned. Having something to harass is the only good reason to get a pet!

*immediately gets attacked by PETA*

beth said...

awesome. by the way...my three year old just asked if max was a porcupine or something and then told me he wants two of "the claw."

Vic said...

That was hilarious! You are so funny. And I want a claw now. I'm so inspired. Also, it looks beautiful on the mantle, like a superhero still life.

I'm coming back to read this again.

erin said...

"Wolverine is the coolest of all the superheroes" she sighed in her dorkiest fan boy imitation.
Actually my ex husband and daughters are super into super hero stuff. Me, not so much.
I could never ever resist a pair of claws that I could poke at people with though. It would never grow old for me, but everyone around me would be plotting my demise.

LiLu said...

You had me at "extending."

That's what she said.

Lana said...

you always win the coolest prizes! i'm jealous of your claw. but those pics are so amazing i might actually not have anything to say in the wake of your awesomeness.

Courtney said...

I want one!!!

mylittlebecky said...

your kitty's claw nuzzling is adorable!

Betsey Booms said...

I wish I had a claw while I was in the hobo hangout today.

Which totally DOES exist and Now you know... Jerkoid!

Lusty Reader said...

omg im dying in my office. my next door neighbor just came by to ask why i am laughing. and that claw is WAY bigger that i expected (that's what she said)

Mr. Mcknob said...

I want a claw. LOL

First time reader. Are you the same Yvonne I met in Chicago at BlogHer? Just asking?