Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wolverine Claw Attack!!
So I won something super cool over at Stir Crazy in the Suburbs...an electronic Wolverine battle claw that her son didn't want because it was "queer". Saaweet!! She picked me because I said I would punch my renters in the face with it if I won, and she agreed to send it to me but only if I provided photographic evidence. And I was all "fuck yeah! Any reason to punch those jerks!" and so she sent it.
Dudes, this claw is sooooo NOT queer. It's like the most super awesome plastic claw I've ever owned. I mean, it has this!
Electronic sounds, people! I stuck some batteries in it and wouldn't you know? It makes a sound vaguely reminiscent of butter knives clinking together when you extend the claws. Hot damn!
And the best part? The claws extend when you fling the handle thingy forward, so you're all "Dum dee dum, here I am with a giant plastic fist. What's that? Someone is getting mugged down the street? Wapawww!!" and out come the claws.
This thing is so awesome, we call it "The Claw" and we say it in a deep wolveriney voice.
So yeah...I promised to take pics of me punching the renters with my radical claw. Ummmm, see it's like this....what had happened was, basically I was unable to get any actual pictures of the attack. Because it happened so suddenly, as claw attacks are prone to develop in the blink of an eye. A blink, people! Eco was getting some ice cream and I saw him drip some on my kitchen floor and when he walked away without cleaning it up, the claw just appeared as if from nowhere and suddenly I was bitch slapping him with it. So yeah...no time to get a picture.
That may or may not have happened.
Bottom line, I did not get the promised picture. But instead, I offer you these....
This is the Kiddo showing me what he thinks of The Claw.
Excellent finger extension, son! Isn't he cute? I love his sweet yellow face.
The Claw often shows up on Captain Carl's hand. He mostly uses it to do this...
Somehow The Claw ended up in my cleavage today. I'm pretty sure the Captain dared The Claw to do it. And because The Claw is a bad ass, he totally did.
After it copped a feel, The Claw and the Captain high-fived and the Captain was all "Get some!" and The Claw was all "Titties!" and the Captain was all "Dude, that was wicked awesome" and The Claw was all "Yeah, wait until she goes to bed!" and the Captain was all "Hey man, that's my wife" and The Claw was all "I know...honk honk" and the Captain was all "Don't make me retract you" and The Claw was all "Aw come on man, I was just playin!" and the Captain was all "Just don't let it happen again" and then The Claw was all "Sure sure, sorry......honk".
Then The Claw moved on to more important matters....BATTLE!
After the boob honking, The Claw starts wandering around the house, looking for his next victim and poor Max was just sitting there, minding her own kitty business. So The Claw started poking her.
And Max was all "Bitch, you best get out my face" and The Claw was all "Your mother was a barn slut" and Max was all "Watch your mouth" and The Claw was all "Your mom watches my mouth" and then Max was all "That's it! Get me some vaseline, these rings are comin' off"....and then the battle began.
The Claw went for the jugular right away....
But Max fought back with a bite to the The Claw's pointy finger....
And then unleashed her secret weapon...the head butt....
But it was all for naught.....The Claw was too powerful and electronic for Max and she was forced into submission.
And now The Claw sits on the fireplace mantel as a warning to past, present and future renters...
Be careful what you say or do.....those who dwell in this house have the power of The Claw in their grasp. Also, you pay us to live here so you know, don't be a jerk about things. I mean, would it kill you to be decent once in awhile?
p.s. Thanks Peggy for The Claw....my whole family loves you for sending it to me!