Tuesday, June 9, 2009

It's Moving Day...Hurrah!

Ding dong, the jerks are gone!

Eco Nazi and Kool Aid have left the building, and Holy Elvis am I happy about it. They vacated our house early this morning. Apparently they were just as anxious as we were for them to leave, because they had their suitcases in the driveway at 6:30am when I left for work.

But before I walked out, I noticed that they had left a huge pile of trash next to the garbage can in the kitchen and a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I'm pretty sure I muttered "Idiots" and when I turned around Eco was standing behind me holding his fish tank. So I said hi and he just glared at me and went back upstairs. Oooookay then.

After that pleasant exchange, I walked towards the front door but stopped when I noticed a letter on the counter that had been written on and ripped out of a spiral bound notebook. It was from Eco:

Please put our security deposit in this envelope and write my
checking account number 000blahblah1234idiot567 on it and
deposit it in Moron Bank, N.A. as soon as possible.
We were going to vacuum our room but we were not allowed
to use it last night or this morning.

So first of all, what kind of genius gives someone their bank account number? Especially when that same someone also has their driver's license and social security numbers?

Secondly....dude? Seriously. That's not how this works. See, you don't just get all your money back. Especially when you stain the carpets and ruin pizza pans and leave a chocolate ice cream puke stain in our driveway (I forgot to tell you guys about that one). And if you do get lucky enough to get any of your deposit back, we will send you a check. We are not your personal bank runners. Nice try, asswipe.

And third, the vacuum thing. Last night at about 10pm, Eco and Kool Aid decided to bestow upon us one last gift before moving out. They made a tuna casserole. Yep. So I went to bed at 10:30 with hot tuna smell wafting into my bedroom. Do you know what kind of dreams happen when you sleep while breathing hot tuna smell? Fucked up dreams, that's what kind. I woke up at 2am from a nightmare involving Lindsay Lohan and a cat with a yeast infection.

Anyway, while they were assembling their tuna casserole, Eco asked me if we have a vacuum. Ummm, yeah. That thing that gets turned on every weekend downstairs and is really loud and sucks up shit? That's a vacuum. So yes, we do have one. Hilarious that they've never used, huh? So I tell Eco where it is and after he drags it upstairs, Captain Carl asks him if he plans on using it right then and Eco says he's thinking about it and the Captain says I wouldn't if I were you. That's when I went to bed.

Apparently after that, they started banging around in the kitchen and the Captain had to tell them to knock it off and finish up in the morning. We had no idea they were planning to leave at the crack of ass the next day, so I guess the vacuum comment in his note was Eco's attempt to establish that we prevented them from cleaning.

Right. Again, nice try asswipe. Bye bye now....and good luck and meh. Whatever.

Okay people, let's all pray to baby Jesus and Oprah that we find a new renter for the empty room soon and that whoever it is won't be a giant douche bag.


diane said...

"a nightmare involving Lindsay Lohan and a cat with a yeast infection" Best Line Ever!
I hope your new movers are nice people. xo

diane said...

I can't believe I said movers, I meant renters. Too many chocolate covered raisins.

Houston said...

Sweet. Amazing how it's your fault they didn't vacuum until 10:30 at night. Lord knows one should never vacuum until one is about to move out.


Green-Eyed Momster said...

My fingers are crossed for you! I can't wait until the boring roommates move in. Then, maybe you'll tell us about the puke stain in the driveway!!
Congratulations Miss Yvonne! Happy Tuna smell free dreams from now on!!


Green-Eyed Momster said...

I meant:


jessica o said...

SOOOOO many tasty morsels.

Okay Lindsey Lohan yeast infection dream? LMFAOFF!

AND? WTF are these asshats thinking? Here's our 411. Put the money there.

Also, I ALWAYS get busted mouthing off about someone I THINK is out of earshot. D'oh!

There's more, but you know what you wrote. I loved it all. :)

Solanaceae said...

We had tenants that trashed our rental to the actual tune of $6854.84 worth of damage and then actually demand their security deposit back. When that happened I instituted an asshat charge on all future tenants. Okay, in my dreams I did that, state law doesn't allow it. Hmmm... maybe I should lobby the property owner's association to help pass a law?!

Kurt said...

Miss Yvonne, When you're done commenting here would you please write a post for me. You can post it at monsterapathy.blogspot.com. Your Mom is my password.

Candice said...

If I were guessing, it was probably Lindsay Lohan who had the yeast infection.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Girl please. Your dream is nothing! Last night a punched a mother fecking jaguar in the face! The face! And then lost a whole school of abandoned, neglected orphans. Take that pussy yeast infection!

erin said...

I cringe and feel ill everytime you tell a roommates story.
And I hate tuna unless it's sushi tuna. My kids love love love it and I end up having to make them tuna at least once a week (cause I'm a good mom and will put up with that gross sickening fishy smell on my fingers that won't go away no matter how many times I wash and scrub).

And we are talking about the canned, before you comment on how it's probably not tuna on my fingers.
I'm so fresh and so clean yo!

Larew said...

Dear Mama,

Thank you for posting the morons' checking account and social security numbers on your blog. I just finished a massive on-line order for tuna casserole to be delivered to all the local school districts. I'm sure the charges on the morons' account will more than make up for the amount of damage they caused. (As well as cause them to dream of Lindsay Lohan and yeast infections for months to come.) Doesn't make you any richer, but perhaps it will make you feel a little better.

Cat Lady

Kate said...

Ugh...hot tuna smell grosses me out. I used to have a roommate who would squeeze mayo (which I have a phobia of) into a can of tuna (which is just gross) and sit on the couch to eat it reeeeaaaalllly slooooooowwwly...then she'd leave the stank can on the coffee table for someone else to clean up (which no one did until the entire house smelled like rotten vagina). Congrats on being roommate-free (for the moment)!! It is glorious!

Betsey Booms said...

Obviously they NEVER vacuumed all because of you.

You are SUCH AN AHOLE. Gah!

No go to the bank.

Dana's Brain said...

Fingers crossed for you to get fabulous new renters. Except it is excellent blog fodder!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

If Eco has enough in his bank account, can you send me some? I'm short on cash right now!! LOL!!


Anonymous said...

So I'm going to send you my bank account info, will you just make regular deposits for me?

Thanks that would be great.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You always make me laugh so hard!!!! I hope your new renters are way better than the last and just as entertaining.

Amy Kate said...

I cannot wait to see y'all on People's Court with Judge Marilyn Milian to duke out the whole security deposit thing. I already DVR it, so I will totally see it...

And while for your sake, I do, in fact, want you to have a nice, sane, normal renter, for my sake and the sake of my laughter, I totally hope you get Eco's cousins or something...

Vic said...

I have to get up at the crack of ass every day for work. It stinks.

May your next renter be a compulsive over-payer who travels extensively and has no belongings.

Mona Lott said...

That dude sounds soooooo much like the boyfriend I had when I was 19. This is why I don't believe in God. No omnipotent being would ever allow more than one of those to exist. Fucking slob ass morons!

I truly hope your next renter is cool. (A turquoise loving queen would be sooooooo rad, am I wrong?)

Harna said...

Excuse me? Chocolate ice cream puke stain? Where the fuck do you find these people?