Two days in a row now I've discovered that I've been walking around the office for an unknown length of time with an essential button on my shirt unbuttoned. I'm talking about the one just below my boobs. No one told me. Both times. Assholes.
Every day for the last week, I'll be at work and I'll think "Oh I have to remember to put gum in my purse when I get home so I'll have some tomorrow for after lunch" and then I forget. And then the next day I'm all pissed off because my mouth tastes like old tuna. You don't realize how awesome gum is until you really really need it.
My stupid thyroid is being a jerk again and I'm falling asleep at my desk at 2:32 every afternoon. I don't want to go back to the doctor because I know I'm overdue for my pap smear and my doctor is going to be pissed when she asks me if I've been to the gyno yet and I tell her no again. And besides, I don't want to get it done because my pubes haven't grown long enough to shape into a fancy mohawk yet.
My cats won't stop shedding and puking. My house is like the Rock of Love bus except instead of pubes and human vomit, it's covered in fur and hairballs. Also, we don't have Bret Michaels. Which really is okay with me because dude looks like a walking disease. At least I know that my cats don't have gonorrhea or crabs.
I have a dental cleaning tomorrow morning at 7am and an eye exam at 11am. Nothing better than a little bit of plaque scraping followed up with that stupid machine that blows air into your eyes. The only way tomorrow could get better is if I had scheduled that pap smear for the afternoon. And while we're on the subject, what is up with that air blowy thing? I hate that machine so hard. The eye doctor is all "put your chin here and stare directly into the light" and you know what's coming so you're all clenchy and then he bumps the machine by accident and you're all "Gah!!" and jump back in your chair and he's all "Oopsy daisies. Just go ahead and put your chin back on here" and you do but you're eyes are all bulgy and your eyelids are all fluttery in preparation and so you're doing this rapid blinking thing and you're eyes are getting really dry and you have a death grip on those little bars on either side of your head and you just know the doctor is loving this and so he's taking his sweet time with the air and then you think you hear a clicking noise so you're all "Holy shit!" and jump back again and he's all "Ma'am this isn't the machine that blows the air" and then you karate chop him in the throat.
My company's CEO came for a visit today and had a little "town hall meeting" and I had to sit through two hours of him talking about how things will get worse before they get better, but hey turn that smile upside down friends! because we're almost down to our "core group" of employees and then things will really get better. Thanks for the subtle hint that more layoffs are coming. P.S. That dude's salary was $31 million dollars last year. Up yours, Richy Rich.
That's it. I'm drinking a whole bottle of wine when I get home tonight.
On Becoming My Grandmother
5 weeks ago