Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Every Day Is A Winding Road. A Big, Douche-Baggy, Soul Sucking, Winding Road.

Two days in a row now I've discovered that I've been walking around the office for an unknown length of time with an essential button on my shirt unbuttoned. I'm talking about the one just below my boobs. No one told me. Both times. Assholes.

Every day for the last week, I'll be at work and I'll think "Oh I have to remember to put gum in my purse when I get home so I'll have some tomorrow for after lunch" and then I forget. And then the next day I'm all pissed off because my mouth tastes like old tuna. You don't realize how awesome gum is until you really really need it.

My stupid thyroid is being a jerk again and I'm falling asleep at my desk at 2:32 every afternoon. I don't want to go back to the doctor because I know I'm overdue for my pap smear and my doctor is going to be pissed when she asks me if I've been to the gyno yet and I tell her no again. And besides, I don't want to get it done because my pubes haven't grown long enough to shape into a fancy mohawk yet.

My cats won't stop shedding and puking. My house is like the Rock of Love bus except instead of pubes and human vomit, it's covered in fur and hairballs. Also, we don't have Bret Michaels. Which really is okay with me because dude looks like a walking disease. At least I know that my cats don't have gonorrhea or crabs.

I have a dental cleaning tomorrow morning at 7am and an eye exam at 11am. Nothing better than a little bit of plaque scraping followed up with that stupid machine that blows air into your eyes. The only way tomorrow could get better is if I had scheduled that pap smear for the afternoon. And while we're on the subject, what is up with that air blowy thing? I hate that machine so hard. The eye doctor is all "put your chin here and stare directly into the light" and you know what's coming so you're all clenchy and then he bumps the machine by accident and you're all "Gah!!" and jump back in your chair and he's all "Oopsy daisies. Just go ahead and put your chin back on here" and you do but you're eyes are all bulgy and your eyelids are all fluttery in preparation and so you're doing this rapid blinking thing and you're eyes are getting really dry and you have a death grip on those little bars on either side of your head and you just know the doctor is loving this and so he's taking his sweet time with the air and then you think you hear a clicking noise so you're all "Holy shit!" and jump back again and he's all "Ma'am this isn't the machine that blows the air" and then you karate chop him in the throat.

My company's CEO came for a visit today and had a little "town hall meeting" and I had to sit through two hours of him talking about how things will get worse before they get better, but hey turn that smile upside down friends! because we're almost down to our "core group" of employees and then things will really get better. Thanks for the subtle hint that more layoffs are coming. P.S. That dude's salary was $31 million dollars last year. Up yours, Richy Rich.


That's it. I'm drinking a whole bottle of wine when I get home tonight.

28 comments:

Kim said...

I have radioactive pubes that grow at super-human speed like a chia pet.

Wow, that's a really inappropriate thing to share with a complete stranger.

Candice said...

What a coinky dink.. My pubes are too short for a mowhawk and I ALSO have an eye appointment tomorrow.

I'm stoked that both of my eyes are getting blow jobs tomorrow.

Jerrod said...

...........i don't think i'm supposed to be in here..........

erin said...

I haven't been to the dentist in four years. It's ridiculous. I have no reason not to go at all. I've always had great teeth and my parents sent me every six months growing up...and then every year till my 24th birthday. Then I got my first cavity and decided to never go back.

Logical Libby said...

I find it strange that everyone is focusing on your pubes. I didn't realize this was that kind of blog.

Or maybe I did and just like acting shocked.

Oh, and if you get "light wine" it's only one WW point a glass.

Kristine said...

Holy crap, I peed myself reading about the eyeblow machine. Like, that's the best the fucking scientists could come up with?! The scare-the-shit-out-of-them disease detection device?

Dicks.

Last time I went to the eye doctor I almost died on an elevator made of cardboard (no joke...well, the dying part maybe) and then she told me I have poor eyeball hygiene. I'll pay you (in fake money) if you ask your doctor what the fuck that means. I was too traumatized by the elevator to process the statement at the time.

Vic said...

You get funnier with every post, I swear.

You should go to my doctor- she never answers the phone, so you totally have an excuse for never making those appointments.

Kitty Rock of Love Bus!

Kurt said...

Glaucoma Tests are assholes. The End. And if any Glaucoma test reads this and is all "I'm a really nice person, I'm just doing my job!" then I will be all "Nazi." and then I'll make that British "piss off" two finger waggle motion.

mylittlebecky said...

i keep forgetting my gum too! spooky.

beth said...

umm...no doctors appointments, but my three year old son opened my back door and peed on his two year old twin sisters today because he didn't feel like walking to the bathroom. then one of the girls was being a t-rex and bit my ass. i feel ou on the douche-baggy, sould sucking winding road thing.

Imnotbenny said...

I would refuse to go to a doctor who used the phrase "Oopsie Daisies". Though it's a pretty diverse go-to exclamation, isn't it?

"Oopsie Daisies, looks like we left a sponge inside your intestines."

"Oopsie Daisies, we took off the wrong leg, didn't we?"

"Oopsie Daisies, you weren't supposed to get the vasectomy, were you?"

"Oopsie Daisies, good thing you have two of those!"

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahaha! "I hate that machine so hard"

Yeah, I don't like anything poking at the eyes or the vag. Except penis, of course. And not so much in the eye...

What?

TrodoMcCracken said...

That's when you say 'oopsie daisies' and then punch him in the balls.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

When it rains it pours! You're not the only one getting wet, either.....(OMG! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

HEY, MISS YVONNE, CHECK YOUR BUTTONS AND REMEMBER YOUR GUM!!

You're welcome! I'm not touching your pubes joke. Seriously? I just typed that? Oh well, you know what I meant, right? Not commenting on your pubes!

Jugs!!

diane said...

I hear that dentists and eye doctors just love the smell of last night's wine on the breath of their patients. Also, just in case you get that pap appointment, wine makes you discharge the next day. I hear gyno's love that.

word ver. - bleurs - which is what tomorrow will be if you drink that whole bottle.

signed affectionately, your little moron. xo

Brian said...

Sounds like a rough few days. I just lost my 5 game win streak on espn.com, so I'm pretty pissed myself. I might go commit suicide by jacking up the power on an eye-puff machine and blowing my eyes out through the back of my skull.

Houston said...

"At least I know that my cats don't have gonorrhea or crabs."

Uh about that thing with the cats... they might... now.

Sorry. They were asking for it though.

Kate said...

An easy fix to the whole cats puking everywhere thing? Get a dog that'll eat it...my cat apparently wandered the house last night barfing on the floor and my dog followed along eating every vomit pile he could find. Yes, it's gross, but it really saves on the cleanup :)

Carolyn...Online said...

But how do you really know that your cats don't have gonorrhea and crabs?

Prosy said...

I have to have gum on my person at all times or I panic and will only talk to people with my head turned out of sheer paranoia.
I hated how they would put that yellow dye in your eyes to test for glaucoma. I don't know I'd they still do that but that shit burns

Nikki said...

I was gonna say something about your pubes but I got distracted by a fuzzy.

Pull a Three Stooges and poke your eye doctor in the eye and tell him you were just testing HIS reflexes.

Lindsay Champion said...

The boob button! You're responsible for that button yourself. No one will EVER tell you that the boob button is unbuttoned.

lindsay || newyorkwords.net

Lindsey said...

You have described that, stupid air blowing eye thingy, perfectly.

You could also trim the pubes, then shave a word in there..or a saying..hmm..like for example "Your Mom!"

Houston said...

OK, I am confused. Is there a real BOOB BUTTON? If so can I press the button for BOOBS?

Just curious.

Houston said...

You know what, this whole thing about boobs and pubes has me so angry I could go crazy.

I am about to go off like Obama on a fly!

zzzzzzzzzzz POW!

There, let that be a lesson!

Larew said...

As a child, my parents sent me to the world's most sadistic dentist. He never used novocaine because he said "my parents didn't want to pay for it and it was such a little filling!" I knew my parents were cheap, but COME ON! Enjoy your appointments tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Cat Lady

Harna said...

I've never been to the eye doctor, so I had no idea it was so stressful and air blowy! Dammit! It's hard enough to go get poked in the vag, but now I think I'm more afraid of the eye doctor...I hope the wine made it all better.

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