Your Mom's On My Middle Finger

My friend DZ asked me to go with her to get her nose pierced last night. I was so excited, I could hardly sit still the whole ride to the tattoo shop. I've never been in one and the only thing I have pierced on my body is my ear lobes. So I was anxious to go in and hang out with all the cool pierced and inked people. That's the way you say it, right? Inked? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm down with the tattoo lingo, yo.

When I told Captain Carl what we were doing, he said I should get something pierced. Preferably my nipples. I told him I wasn't interested in piercing anything, so he suggested a tattoo. I told him I didn't want to do that either because I'm afraid I'll pick something that I will end up hating in 20 years. So he said to just put it somewhere only he can see. So I was all "okay, I'll get a butterfly on the bottom of my big toe" and he was all "I'm talking about your ass" and I was all "I suppose a could put a flaming skull in my armpit" and he was all "Or maybe on your boob" and I was all "I got it! I'll put 'Your Mom' on my middle finger".

Yeah, I didn't do that. Maybe next time.

So DZ and I go and the place was brightly lit and the walls were covered in really bad graffiti-type art. Heavy metal music was blaring and there was a dude getting his side tattooed with red butterflies which didn't look manly or tough at all so I'm not really sure what he was going for. All I know is it didn't match his tongue ring and I was about to tell him that when I got distracted by the dude sticking a needle in his skin. He looked straight out of Miami Ink, so I got all bouncy and asked him if he knew Kat Von D and he was all "No" and I was all "I mean, have you met her?" and he was all "No" and I was all "But she's come in here, right?" and he was all "No" and then I was all "But she probably will someday, right?" and then he was all "Are you wasted? Because we don't tat drunk people" and I was all "Ohmygod, you think I'm here to get a tattoo??? That is soooo awesome!" and then I clapped a few times and skipped over where DZ was picking out her nose hole jewelry and pretending she didn't know me.

Once DZ picked out her stud (that's what she said) we were taken down a separate hallway to "The Piercing Room". Inside the room was a stretcher bed thing and a counter with latex gloves and cotton swabs and a bio hazard garbage can. DZ was looking a little nervous at this point, so I told her that if she squinted it would be like she was in a doctor's office getting a pap smear, only up her nose instead of her vagina. This was meant to relax her, but for some reason I don't think it worked because she threw her purse at me and told me to shut the hell up.

So the doctor comes in and guess what? He's not a doctor, he's just a guy with tattoos on his shins and hands. But he doesn't have any piercings so I'm all "Can I see your credentials please?" and he was all "Excuse me?" and I was all "Your piercing credentials. From the piercing academy." and he was all "blink" and I was all "Because you don't have any piercings plus there are no piercing certificates on the wall back here, so how do I know you're qualified to put holes in my friend?" and he was all "I've worked here 11 years and I do have piercings, just not where you can see them." and I was all "Like in your penis?". That's when he started ignoring me. Weird, right?

So the actual piercing took about 30 seconds and I watched the whole thing with fascination. Dr. Piercy was quick and the hole went in the right place and DZ only bled a little bit, so I guess you could call it a success. She texted me this morning to tell me her one year old almost ripped it out when he hit her in the nose. So I'm making her a bracelet that says "WWKVDD" (What Would Kat Von D Do) so she can remember to keep her nose away from dangerous objects and children.