Thursday, June 18, 2009

Your Mom's On My Middle Finger

My friend DZ asked me to go with her to get her nose pierced last night. I was so excited, I could hardly sit still the whole ride to the tattoo shop. I've never been in one and the only thing I have pierced on my body is my ear lobes. So I was anxious to go in and hang out with all the cool pierced and inked people. That's the way you say it, right? Inked? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm down with the tattoo lingo, yo.

When I told Captain Carl what we were doing, he said I should get something pierced. Preferably my nipples. I told him I wasn't interested in piercing anything, so he suggested a tattoo. I told him I didn't want to do that either because I'm afraid I'll pick something that I will end up hating in 20 years. So he said to just put it somewhere only he can see. So I was all "okay, I'll get a butterfly on the bottom of my big toe" and he was all "I'm talking about your ass" and I was all "I suppose a could put a flaming skull in my armpit" and he was all "Or maybe on your boob" and I was all "I got it! I'll put 'Your Mom' on my middle finger".

Yeah, I didn't do that. Maybe next time.

So DZ and I go and the place was brightly lit and the walls were covered in really bad graffiti-type art. Heavy metal music was blaring and there was a dude getting his side tattooed with red butterflies which didn't look manly or tough at all so I'm not really sure what he was going for. All I know is it didn't match his tongue ring and I was about to tell him that when I got distracted by the dude sticking a needle in his skin. He looked straight out of Miami Ink, so I got all bouncy and asked him if he knew Kat Von D and he was all "No" and I was all "I mean, have you met her?" and he was all "No" and I was all "But she's come in here, right?" and he was all "No" and then I was all "But she probably will someday, right?" and then he was all "Are you wasted? Because we don't tat drunk people" and I was all "Ohmygod, you think I'm here to get a tattoo??? That is soooo awesome!" and then I clapped a few times and skipped over where DZ was picking out her nose hole jewelry and pretending she didn't know me.

Once DZ picked out her stud (that's what she said) we were taken down a separate hallway to "The Piercing Room". Inside the room was a stretcher bed thing and a counter with latex gloves and cotton swabs and a bio hazard garbage can. DZ was looking a little nervous at this point, so I told her that if she squinted it would be like she was in a doctor's office getting a pap smear, only up her nose instead of her vagina. This was meant to relax her, but for some reason I don't think it worked because she threw her purse at me and told me to shut the hell up.

So the doctor comes in and guess what? He's not a doctor, he's just a guy with tattoos on his shins and hands. But he doesn't have any piercings so I'm all "Can I see your credentials please?" and he was all "Excuse me?" and I was all "Your piercing credentials. From the piercing academy." and he was all "blink" and I was all "Because you don't have any piercings plus there are no piercing certificates on the wall back here, so how do I know you're qualified to put holes in my friend?" and he was all "I've worked here 11 years and I do have piercings, just not where you can see them." and I was all "Like in your penis?". That's when he started ignoring me. Weird, right?

So the actual piercing took about 30 seconds and I watched the whole thing with fascination. Dr. Piercy was quick and the hole went in the right place and DZ only bled a little bit, so I guess you could call it a success. She texted me this morning to tell me her one year old almost ripped it out when he hit her in the nose. So I'm making her a bracelet that says "WWKVDD" (What Would Kat Von D Do) so she can remember to keep her nose away from dangerous objects and children.

28 comments:

blondie-lox said...

you're such a good friend. :)

Kim said...

My stepsister has a peircing DOWN THERE. What kind of conversation do you have when someone's face is that close to it with a needle gun or whatever it's called? I'm not interesting enough to have any tattoos or unusual piercings. Nipple rings would look more National Geographic than Sexy Biker Chic on me.

Nikki said...

I got my belly button pierced and my ears pierced several times and my tongue is pierced and my eyebrow and nose used to be pierced and I had a couple other secret piercings but I don't have THOSE anymore you sicko.

Lana said...

i love dr. piercy!! that was gold.

also, you make bracelets too?! i want one!

diane said...

My oldest daughter and I had our navels pierced on the same day. I think I embarrassed her just as much as you did your friend. I loved the hand clapping thing you did, I think I did that too.

lustyreader said...

"like getting a pap smear, only up her nose," i can't imagine why this didn't work!

and there SHOULD be piercing credentials of some sort! i mean can you imagine the choas society would descend into if *everybody* could stick needles in other people's skin without abandon???

Mona Lott said...

Piercers and tattooists are notoriously devoid of good cheer. I remember how crushed I was by this realization. The first time I got tattooed, the chick spent the first two hours reminding me how cool she was and how comparatively uncool I was. Finally I just replied, "BORED!" and we both stopped talking. It was miserable.

The last guy was good times though, we told each other dirty jokes the whole time:)

Can you even IMAGINE getting your hoo-hah pierced. It's not that the piercing itself is so out there or anything, I just can't imagine the conversation or how to ask or... *crosses legs* Yeah. But my husband has a Prince Albert. I recommend it. (But I'm glad I didn't know him then!)

Sunshinemeg said...

Hahah, you whole recap of the adventure cracked me up. Good work!

kate said...

I had my nose pierced for awhile...*phew* that thing HURT to get done. I never even thought to ask for piercing credentials when I went...

miss. chief said...

hahaha i loved the pap smear in the nose

this was fun to read, i forgot about the kind of exotic-y feeling people have about tattoo shops when they first go to one.

@mona - "Piercers and tattooists are notoriously devoid of good cheer."
come on now...not all of them!!! i've never gone to a sans-good cheer tattooer in my life!

miss. chief said...

p.s. bottom of foot tattoos don't work and don't get anything on your hands unless you're prepared for your life to change. no joke.

Jerrod said...

you are just the right amount of wit and frustration.

i'm liking you.

we would get along amazingly

Candice said...

I'm not sure what your friend would have done without your support.

You rock!

You should have told your husband once you returned home that you made him an appointment to get his nut sack pierced.

Betsey Booms said...

My mom is on everyone's finger.

I saw a billboard for Stevie Wonder today, you know, promoting his tour.

And it had braille on it.

It seemed so stupid to me. I mean it's not like Stevie will even see the stupid, fake, giant braille.

Fucking stupid.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

...and he was all "blink"...

Miss Yvonne, I'm quite jealous of your funny.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm sending you an email from my tattoo place. It's something new. You might want to try it!! LOL!!

Jugs!!

Kurt said...

I love when people say "blink" it means I've wowed them with my genius usually. Or they see a foot sticking out of my trunk.

Larew said...

Hilarious! This is classic!

I had to go in for a pap smear this morning... perhaps I should have asked for one up my nose! (Would have been pretty cool to come out with a nose ring.... although I'm pretty sure they don't do nose, boob, genital or any other piercings there.)

Actually, I'm terribly squeamish about piercings and body art... mostly I just hate needles. Besides, between my age and my fine physique, I'm afraid people would just think I was desperately seeking lost youth and coming out with an EPIC FAIL!

Sincerely,
Cat Lady

HappyHourSue said...

Best. Blog post title. Ever.

My old boyfriend used to say he wanted a tattoo of his face on his face. At the time I thought that was hysterical.

Lulu said...

I bet that Kat Von D has a tattoo on her wrist that says WWMYD?

Mona Lott said...

@miss.chief: hahahahahahahahahaha! To be honest, we always become pals by the end. I think they (probably tattooists even more than piercers) see a LOT of people that wear them out and then act like pussies while they're getting done. I try to be a great sit, and once they realize I'm not getting Tweetie Bird and I'm not going to cry, it's usually good times.

I so wish I could be a tattooist.

Jules said...

That's awesome! I love going in those places! I can't stop staring....

The Peach Tart said...

i love it when my friends provide fodder for my blogs...it's so thoughtful of them

Prosy said...

Can it possibly be a legitimate tattoo parlor if they don't even know kat?

Tasha said...

I'm sure your smart ass fit right in with the tat peeps! Maybe you should get a new career...as a tattoo artist. You could talk shit to them while you work- they'd be lauging so hard they'd never feel any pain.

Sweet.

Zoe Right said...

You need to come to Sacramento- the nice men in the tattoo palors will play here!

Or so I've heard...

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I thought about you this morning. This will sound weird, hope you're used to it/me?

Anyway, typed my usual Hugs but typed @@ instead of !! and thought of you!!

From now on, I will sign my comments to you like this:

Jugs@@

What do you thinkg?

Joanna Jenkins said...

That was hysterical. I'm sending your link to my sis who's thinking of getting a tattoo! Very funny.