Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Seems Like My Serial Killer Could Have Picked A Better Weapon

Yesterday was our 8th anniversary, but Captain Carl has been in Oklahoma all week for stupid business stuff so I totally spent the day alone. Well, I did have dinner with my sister…but after that I was by myself. You can go ahead and start feeling sorry for me now.

So I get home after dinner and I’m all feeling sorry for myself and I call the Captain and he’s all “I’m watching Dancing with the Stars.” and I’m all “What? We are apart on our anniversary and you’re watching a show you won’t ever watch with me?” and he’s all “There’s nothing else on.” and I’m all “Then you should have drove home to be with me on our anniversary.” and he’s all “But we're four hours apart and I have to work tomorrow.” and I’m all “Still. Whatever. I don’t even care.”

Not the most romantic anniversary ever. But it’s okay because he’s coming home tonight and it’s totally going to be romantic and he is totally going to rub my back for me. What? That’s romantic. He loves to do that. Especially right after a four hour drive. *shifty eyes*

So I go to bed and I’m lying there on my back and I can’t get comfortable. I decide to try sleeping on my stomach. And that’s when it happened...

My biggest fear is home invasion. I’m terrified that someone is going to get into my house and murder me. This fear is magnified by a zillion when I’m alone. I’m completely rational throughout the evening. I eat dinner, watch tv, read a book. Whatever. I’m not scared at all. And then I go to bed and blam! Petrified. I’m convinced a psycho killer has snuck into my house while I was at work and has been hiding in my closet or under my bed or in my shower the whole time I’ve been there. And now he’s waiting for me to fall asleep so he can murder me with a knife from my very own kitchen. Or with the fireplace poker from my very own fireplace. Or with the hitachi magic wand vibrator from my very own sex toy drawer. The murder weapon is always something we own. Because serial killers love irony. Apparently.

But for some reason, none of the usual fears were running through my head last night. Everything was quiet and I was in a comfortable sleeping position. Lying on stomach, one arm under the pillow…so comfy. I was almost asleep when I felt a pinch on my arm.


I ignore it. Until I feel it again, only more painful this time.

Damn, what is that? OMG, maybe it’s a spider!

I jump up and turn on the light. I turn my pillow over several times and find nothing. Then I just stare at my bed for awhile, waiting for the spider to come out. Nothing. I reach over and grab my glasses and when I turn back to the bed, I see it.

A june bug. Crawling across my bed towards me. Much screaming and flailing of arms. I am completely grossed out. A june bug was under my pillow.

How the fuck did it get under there??? OMG, I bet the serial killer totally put it there to distract me and he is totally creeping up behind me right now to strangle me with a wire hanger from my very own closet!

It's a testament to my crazy brain that I was able to turn one june bug into a murder weapon. Of course there wasn’t a serial killer behind me. But the june bug was still there. So I had to kill it with my sex toy catalog and then I switched pillows just in case the other one was infested with june bugs because duh, of course it was and then I laid in bed wide awake for an hour because I was all itchy and convinced that the june bug had laid eggs in my arm and now I was a host for millions of baby june bugs and OMG it’s totally going to be like that one guy that had a headache and he went to the doctor and the doctor found hundreds of maggots in his ear!


The serial killer thing isn’t nearly as scary as june bug larvae growing in my body.

p.s. I texted Captain Carl this morning to tell him about what happened and I was all “a june bug was under my pillow last night and it bit me.” and he was all “june bugs don’t bite.” and I was all “Then it pinched me. Or laid eggs in my arm. Whatever it did, it was gross.” and he was all “heh heh” and I was all “It was traumatic, shut up!” and he was all “Was it right side only june bugs?’ and then I died from loving him so much. That man is sooo my soul mate.


laughingmom said...

You only stayed awake for an hour? I would have been up vacuuming the bed and putting antibacterial medication all over my arm!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Jeez Miss Yvonne, sex toy drawers and sex toy catalogs? That's all fine, but remember, in slasher movies, the horny girl always dies first. Sleep tight.

sorry4disappointingyou said...

Ahhhhh June bug slobber!

P.s. Please tell me you bought the captian a leaf shaped loofa, so many, many options for that. lol

Chris said...

LOL I hate those nasty sticky little critters!! Oh and BTW, I too have a fear of home invasion. LOL I wonder if they've named a phobia for it yet.

Miss Rosie said...

I despise June Bugs... I call them kamikazes since they always seem to fly around and crash land. I would have been up for hours itching, matter of fact... it has already started. I will be checking the sheets tonight... thanks.

Eva Gallant said...

I'm much more worried of my home being invaded by any kind of insect than of invasion by a serial killer. They only go after hot, skinny females. I'm so safe!

Expat From Hell said...

Here via Steam Me Up, Kid. Glad I visited! This is a great piece, and a story that will "bug" me for quite a while. Will be back again, for sure. EFH

aerocline said...

Aw dang. I thought the pinch on your arm was gonna turn out to be a bit of inappropriate but oddly endearing foreplay committed by Captain Carl, who'd busted all landspeed records to get home to his darling Miss Yvonne for some anniversary sexytimes. Instead it's a goddamn horny june bug.

Wow, that was awkward said...

If I had a daughter, I would have named her Chloe. If I had two daughters, I would have cried because that would be a handful as a single dad. Oh and I would have named her June so I could call her June bug.

Amy Kate said...

Do you watch much Criminal Minds? I am also paranoid about home invasion...we have 2 long closets and a "jump in" pantry (doors start at hip height. You have to hop and crawl in, but once in can practically stand up), and at about 2am, when my husband is asleep beside me and the dog is snoring and I know if anything happened it would be totally up to me to react and save everyone, that's when I just know, totally know that someone snuck into the house in the afternoon and is lurking in the pantry or one of the creepy closets and is waiting me out.
Pretty sure no one is stalking me. Pretty sure the only thing of value here is the Wii.
But still, totally fearful.

Chelle said...

OMG. I'm reading this in bed and now there are june bugs all over me and in my gd hair.


mizzbrizz said...

OMG! I can so relate! And that was a riot to read. Sorry about your luck! Oh, and Happy Anniversary!

bikinfool said...

They were April bugs. June bugs are still a month and a half away.

Doesn't make them any less terrifying though.

Jules said...

You should have hid in the closet away from all of the killer June bugs and spiders and real killers. For real.

Didactic Pirate said...

What you felt was that June bug poking you with his own tiny, tiny sex wand vibrator. They do that sometimes. I read an article.

hoodyhoo said...

I would rather have an entire apartment full of serial killers waiting in line like they were at the deli than a single june bug in the bed. Or in the room. Or on the earth.

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nova said...

NOOOOOOOOO! I saw it on twitter AND on your blog! Double awful gross!

I've fallen asleep with scorpions on the wall by my bed, no judgment here.