Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Believe The Children Are Our Future. Which Is Why I'm Terrified.

The Kiddo decided to have a poker party at the house last Saturday night. I made him vacuum and clean up cat puke and scrub the toilet before I let his friends come over and he was all “Why am I scrubbing the toilet in your bathroom? They won’t be using it.” and I was all “Pipe down there, Cinderella.” Because I’m an awesome mom who knows an opportunity when she sees it, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, around 8pm the doorbell rang and a huge gaggle of 18 year old boys walked in and suddenly my house was filled with shaggy hair and baggy pants and Axe body spray. One by one, they walked upstairs after mumbling “hey” or “how’s it going” or “yo” in our general direction. I had only seen a few of these boys before, the rest were a mystery to me. So a few hours, five pizzas, two twelve packs of Dr. Pepper and many cries of “dude!” and “you douche!” later, everyone goes home. It wasn’t too bad, actually. They weren’t too loud and testosterone-y on account of the party being sans girls. I kept thinking to myself “only a few more months of this before he goes to college and then my house will be quiet and empty” and I got a little teary-eyed. At one point, the Captain looked over and caught me wiping my eyes and asked what was wrong. When I told him what I was thinking about, he was all “I know!” and pumped his fist in the air. So yeah, we’re feeling a little differently about the Kiddo’s upcoming departure.

So everyone leaves and the Kiddo flops down on the couch next to Captain Carl.

Me: Did you have fun?
Kiddo: Yep. It was cool.
Captain: Who were all those kids?
Kiddo: Just my dudes.
Me: I only recognized a couple of them. Who was the one wearing the sideways baseball cap?
Kiddo: That’s Nards.
Captain: What?
Kiddo: Nards.
Me: His name is Nards?
Kiddo: Well, his name is Jason. We call him Nards.
Me: Wh...
Captain: *points at me* Do not ask him why.
Me: What about the really tall kid?
Kiddo: That’s Black Kid.
Me: I know he’s black, I have eyes. What’s his name?
Kiddo: That is his name.
Captain: Son, do we need to have a talk about racism?
Kiddo: No, for real. He calls me White Kid and I call him Black Kid. It’s our thing.
Me: Awesome. You are totally not getting beaten up when you go to college.
Kiddo: What?
Captain: Who were the rest of them?
Kiddo: Well, there’s B-ry, Stony, G-Man, you already know Pothead and M-Dog, Twat and J-Whiz.
Captain: Holy hell.
Me: Which one was J-Whiz?
Kiddo: The one with the jewfro.
Me: Yep. Totally not getting beaten up.
Captain: So it’s one black kid, one jewish kid and a bunch of rednecks in your group.
Kiddo: We’re diverse and kick ass.
Me: You guys are like the United Nations of morons.
Kiddo: Yeah, and your mom is our president.
Captain: Ooooh snap.
Me: *sigh* I’d like to get upset about that comment, but it’s just too awesome.
Kiddo: You taught me everything you know.
Me: I know. I’m your Obi-wan.
Kiddo: Nah, I already have an Obi-wan. He couldn’t come tonight because he’s grounded for shaving his cat.
Captain: Of course he is.

Perhaps now is a good time to remind y’all that these boys are old enough to vote. Our country's future? This is it, America. Cat shavers and kids named Twat. Awesome.


Moooooog35 said...

I'm surprised you had time to write this if the guys all had Axe Body Spray on.

I mean, how were you able to tear yourself away?

Megs said...

My husband is almost 30. His friends are named Crack, Yard Dart, Doobie, Jams, and Krazy Karl whose name is not Karl.

They once built an enormous snow penis and had a naked slip n slide party in college.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Alicia said...

Pothead for president!! No...wait....we've already had one of those.

I feel totally confident in our future now. Really. I do. No, really!

Ok....maybe not.

Sarah P said...

A gal could really fall hard for a guy named "Twat." Nards, though, Nards is probably the ladies' man.

What is the Kiddo's nickname.

Miss Yvonne said...

Moooooog35: Only the threat of their mothers' wrath and my picture in the paper kept me from throwing myself at them.

Megs: Yard Dart! Best. Name. Ever. I'm stealing it.

Alicia: Hopefully we'll all be dead by the time someone from their generation becomes president. Or at least too old to comprehend.

Sarah P: I have no idea what they call my money is on something like "Ego".

Mama Wheaton said...

Enjoy it because it really will be quiet when he's gone!But hten hey you can run around the house naked and shave your cat!

Adoption of Jane said...

HAHAHAHA are you sure my son wasn't there? My 18 yr old is the JewFro in his bunch. His dad is Jewish and he had a huge fro for awhile. His friends all got crazy nicknames. Oh and Axe body spray ewwwww why do they use so much???

The Vegetable Assassin said...


It's like the entire male gene pool was present. Black guys, Jewish guys, stoner guys, guys who might be Kid Rock... Excuse me while I change my underwear for some dry stuff.

It's the Axe. They should've called it "Panty Remover".

I can't help thinking B-ry was robbed.

Beta Dad said...

Reminds me of when I used to teach high school. The white kid with dreds used to spray Axe on himself IN CLASS. I asked him if he thought it covered up the smell of weed and poor hygiene and he replied that no, he just used it for the ladies.

Logical Libby said...

You know what is even sadder? I am sure there are teenage girls with "Mrs. J-Whiz" and "Mrs. Twat" written on their binders.

Heather said...

I'm in love with nicknames. These nicknames made me cry with laughter.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Better'n twat shavers and kids named cat.

April said...

Hilarious. When I was in high school there was a group of guys with nicknames like these. "Crotch", "Penis-breath", "Asswipe"... Very classy.

miss. chief said...

Ahh teenage boys. There's a jew fro and an emo who are always around my 'hood. They're so cute but juuuust gross and awkward enough that I don't talk to them.

DevilsHeaven said...

What is it with men and the whacked out nicknames? My hubs will call his friends and leave a message, "What Up DOUCHE BAG???!!" Seriously, where do they learn this stuff?

Just.Kate said...

I've been part of groups consisting of people named Trinket, Cool Jon, Cracka Jon, and Sharp.

I shouldn't have been able to vote, either.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I read this post title twice, hours apart even, as

"I believe the chicken are our future. Which is why I'm terrified."

and I was all DANG that IS terrifying, yo!

I sang it in the shower too. "Let the chickens la-aughter, remind us how it used tooo be.."

S'beautiful. *sniff*

cassienativebeauty said...

Ooohh! I love your post! Knowing that they have rad names now scares me knowing that they will be "our" future as time flies by...

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Miss Yvonne, you've done it again. You've made me shoot milk OUT MY NOSE!
Love this. And wow, I so hope I'm this cool when my time comes, though I'll be too old and dementia riddled to notice.

corticoWhat said...

VOTE! Hell one of them will BE President.

Great post.

Nikki said...

I don't even know what to say except I'm forwarding this on to many people.

Axe body spray actually turns girls away. You should probably fill him in on that. Actually, maybe not.

Jules said...

And now you see why I come home stressed and depressed everyday from work...........

I just pray not to be put into a nursing home.

Qoddess said...

You've been quoted!