I've been whining to my blogdaughter, Tristachio, about how I'm super busy and popular and very important and therefore cannot find much time for blogging lately. So she offered to write a guest post for me. And because I'm stupid, I was all "Awesome, yes!". And she totally did it. And it's totally about farts. You're welcome.
Why It's Important To Have A Conversation With Your Anus
Do you know what is hard to do? in public. It's just so hard. Your binghole is all "Dude, you've got to lighten up a little because, seriously, I'm filling up with stuff down here and the more you hold it in the more likely I am to shit your pants because you ignored me. That lady over there in the undersized clothes and unwashed hair? Yeah, she doesn't care if you let one rip. Infact I'm pretty sure she would love it. So why not saunter over to her and explode?" And seriously, what else can you say to your binghole then "No Mr.Anus, I can't do it because I am in Walmart and it's the epitome of class and farting in Walmart would be worse then showing up to a Redneck wedding with Obama on all your paper plates! Not to mention it's only the two of us in this aisle and she'd obviously know that it was me and then it'd be awkward."
What, you don't have conversations with your binghole about when or when not it's appropriate to fart? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with Mr.Anus because you are, obviously, headed for divorce. And by divorce I mean you most likely will crap your pants.
My Boyfriend, , doesn't have this type of relationship with his binghole. His relationship is more like a bromance with Mr. Anus. If Mr.Anus had hands they would highfive. All the time. Not matter where he is, he will fart. He just doesn't care. He would rather let out a ripper then "Potentionally explode while flying in mid-air because the pressure of holding in the fart can destroy your insides while you are a bajillion feet in the air" and since I don't know anything about planes and he learned this while attaining his college diploma all I can do is give him the stinkeye.
Also, when your binghole says "Dude, you should totally fart on your girlfriends feet because you are sitting on them and how funny would that be if you did it and it really stunk and then her socks started to stink because of it? It'd be super funny, that's what." You shouldn't listen to it because Mr.Anus is a liar. It wouldn't be funny if your girlfriends only clean pair of socks end up stinking like your butt.
p.s. I told Tristachio that now she'll get tons of followers on account of how I'm the Godfather of blogging and the mere mention of her blog on my blog will make people follow her. Don't make me go all horse-head-in-your-bed on you, people. Go. Now. Follow. Shoo.
Have a Merry, Perimenopause!
3 months ago