Monday, May 3, 2010

And Now A Guest Post From Someone Who Should Probably Be On Medication Of Some Kind. Also? It's About Farts.

I've been whining to my blogdaughter, Tristachio, about how I'm super busy and popular and very important and therefore cannot find much time for blogging lately. So she offered to write a guest post for me. And because I'm stupid, I was all "Awesome, yes!". And she totally did it. And it's totally about farts. You're welcome.

Why It's Important To Have A Conversation With Your Anus

Do you know what is hard to do? Farting in public. It's just so hard. Your binghole is all "Dude, you've got to lighten up a little because, seriously, I'm filling up with stuff down here and the more you hold it in the more likely I am to shit your pants because you ignored me. That lady over there in the undersized clothes and unwashed hair? Yeah, she doesn't care if you let one rip. Infact I'm pretty sure she would love it. So why not saunter over to her and explode?" And seriously, what else can you say to your binghole then "No Mr.Anus, I can't do it because I am in Walmart and it's the epitome of class and farting in Walmart would be worse then showing up to a Redneck wedding with Obama on all your paper plates! Not to mention it's only the two of us in this aisle and she'd obviously know that it was me and then it'd be awkward."

What, you don't have conversations with your binghole about when or when not it's appropriate to fart? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with Mr.Anus because you are, obviously, headed for divorce. And by divorce I mean you most likely will crap your pants.

My Boyfriend, The Pilot, doesn't have this type of relationship with his binghole. His relationship is more like a bromance with Mr. Anus. If Mr.Anus had hands they would highfive. All the time. Not matter where he is, he will fart. He just doesn't care. He would rather let out a ripper then "Potentionally explode while flying in mid-air because the pressure of holding in the fart can destroy your insides while you are a bajillion feet in the air" and since I don't know anything about planes and he learned this while attaining his college diploma all I can do is give him the stinkeye.

Also, when your binghole says "Dude, you should totally fart on your girlfriends feet because you are sitting on them and how funny would that be if you did it and it really stunk and then her socks started to stink because of it? It'd be super funny, that's what." You shouldn't listen to it because Mr.Anus is a liar. It wouldn't be funny if your girlfriends only clean pair of socks end up stinking like your butt.

p.s. I told Tristachio that now she'll get tons of followers on account of how I'm the Godfather of blogging and the mere mention of her blog on my blog will make people follow her. Don't make me go all horse-head-in-your-bed on you, people. Go. Now. Follow. Shoo.


Heather said...

I started following her before I started following you so how special should you feel that maybe she is the most popular one and she recommended you!? Ok, I'm kidding I love you both almost the same except I love her like a sister and you maybe can be my step sister but the kind of step sister I love I promise!

Also, I always fart in Walmart and then blame it on ketchup...

April said...

Nice. So, in conclusion, do we take a page from the book of The Pilot, or do we wait until we're in the Walmart parking lot? As a teacher, I think there are definitely inappropriate times to let one rip. Unless you're in a class with Kindergartners, and then you can totally blame them for it. Kindergartner farts are foul.

Tristachio said...

April: The Pilot is kind of like Jesus but his gossiples are about bodily functions.

Heather: It's nice to know our Vaginamance is still going strong. It's like a bromance but with less dick and more vagina.

Miss.Yvonne: See, this is why I forcefully made you blog adopt me. So I can write on your blog about farts.

Everyone else: Follow me because I've got a Unicorn dog!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

So I'm an idiot. I totally missed the Godfather reference and went straight to 'Student Bodies' (because the killer uses a horsehead BOOKEND as a weapon.)
But I totally recommend the movie, its AWESOME!
I used to be a phantom farter but I've lost my touch. Maybe I need to have a renewal of vows w/ Mr. Anus.

Moooooog35 said...

it's actually easy to fart in public if after you rip one you just jump up and down screaming "I'LL TAKE PROCESSED CHEESE FOR A HUNDRED ALEX!!"

Trust me.

They'll forget about the fart.

AtYourCervix said...

YoMama~! Thanks for the link to a totally awesome blog!

Hippo Brigade said...

I fart all the time, but I have the common deciency to blame it on my kids. So, not only do I get to high-five my Mr. Anus, but also my three year old. Everyone wins!

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

totally having the conversation!
I think I'll follow Moooooog35 advice