Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Last weekend was prom in our town. Those of you with sons already know this, but prom? Not a big deal to teenage boys. Besides increasing the likelihood that they’ll get drunk and laid, there really isn’t much about prom night to excite them. Last year, the Kiddo had no plans to attend until the last minute when a girl he thought was hot turned up dateless and, being a man of opportunity, he kindly offered to take her…aka boink her in the backseat of his car.

This year he has a steady girlfriend of 9 ohmygodwearesoinlove! months and therefore had absolutely no choice in the matter of prom. Bunny started talking about prom dresses back before Christmas while shooting pointed looks in my son’s general direction, which he acknowledged with much eye rolling. Captain Carl, being the sweet and sensitive man that he is, wisely advised the boy that he had better break up with Bunny by no later than March if he wanted to get out of going to prom. But apparently Bunny’s, ummmm….personality kept the Kiddo interested well past March and prom plans were made.

Prom Plan #1:
Hey, can you guys get me a hotel room for prom night?
The Captain: The hell we will!
Me: Now now, let’s talk about this before we make a decision.
The Captain: Seriously?
Me: Yes. Now son, why do you want a hotel room?
The Captain: *snort* Oh come on.
Kiddo: Well, I thought it would be fun.
Me: Hmmm, yes I’m sure it would be fun.
The Captain: *eye roll*
Me: What kind of fun, exactly?
Kiddo: Just, you know, like hanging out with my dudes.
The Captain: Your dudes?
Me: Not with Bunny?
Kiddo: Well yeah, with Bunny. But she can’t stay out all night, so I figured I’d chill with her until midnight and then my dudes can come over.
The Captain: And trash the hotel room on our credit card.
Kiddo: That won’t happen!
The Captain: Right. A bunch of 18 year old boys out all night in a hotel with booze and probably pot. Yeah, no way could that end badly.
Kiddo: Why can’t you trust me! *angsty sigh*
Me: Hmmm, this is probably not a good plan.
Kiddo: *throws hands in the air* Oh man!
The Captain: You actually thought we’d rent a hotel room for you?
Kiddo: Well, I am 18 years old. I’m a legal adult.
The Captain: Tell you what, legal adult. Get a job, rent an apartment and then go ahead and get that hotel room for the night.

Prom Plan #2
Kiddo: What if I borrowed J-Whiz’s apartment for the night?
The Captain: Where will J-Whiz be?
Kiddo: With his parents in San Antonio for the weekend.
The Captain: Yeah, no.

Prom Plan #3
Kiddo: Okay, so Bunny and I are gonna chill with Twat and his date at his house after prom.
Me: Will Twat’s parents be there?
Kiddo: His mom will be.
The Captain: Isn’t this the same kid that you lit on fire last summer?
Kiddo: I didn’t light him on fire. We were lighting nail polish remover in the driveway and he stomped on it to put it out and his foot caught on fire. Totally not my fault.
Me: Are you SURE his mom will be there?
Kiddo: Yes.
Me: Well, that’s a better plan than the hotel room.

So we agreed to the third plan. And then without telling me, Captain Carl got the real story out of the Kiddo. He didn’t tell me about it until after he’d left for the prom with Bunny on Saturday.

The Captain: So did you notice he didn’t get Bunny a corsage?
Me: Yes I did. I reminded him about 10 times to get one.
The Captain: Oh he got flowers. But they aren’t in a corsage.
Me: Why do I have the feeling I’m not going to like the rest of this story?
The Captain: He bought roses and he’s going to spread them around the bed at Twat’s house.
Me: What?? Wait. I thought Twat’s mom was going to be home?
The Captain: She is, but not until after 11pm.
Me: How do you know that?
The Captain: I got it out of him. I knew he wasn’t telling us the whole story.
Me: So he told you he’s going to Twat’s house to get laid after the prom and you’re okay with this?
The Captain: Meh, it’s prom night. The girl deserves to do it somewhere besides the back of his car.
Me: Please tell me you’re joking about the roses thing.
The Captain: Nope. And he’s going to play his guitar for her.
Me: Holy shit.
The Captain: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.
Me: No. Way.
The Captain: I wish I was kidding.
Me: Heh.
The Captain: What?
Me: *singing* I wanna layyyy you down in a bed of roses…for tonight I sleep on a bedddd of nails!!
The Captain: Aw man, he should do that one!
Me: Nah. He’s not awesome enough to pull off Bon Jovi.

The next day I asked the Kiddo how his night went and he was all "It was cool" and I was all "That's it?" and he was all "Yeah" and then I got on facebook and saw that Bunny had updated her status to say "I lurrrvvvv my boyfriend soooooo much!!!" so I guess Metallica got the job done. Just imagine how happy she would have been if he'd played Bon Jovi.


Anonymous said...

That's so touching it brought a tear to my weary old eye. Young love. Awwww. Nothing conveys the beauty of love than boning in a friend's house to a home made rendition of Metallica. Good for the kid! :) Hope it all went with a bang so to speak...

MommyLovesStilettos said...

LMAO!! Awesome story!

Moooooog35 said...

your son gets more action than I do.


nova said...

She's friends with you on facebook? Wow, that is a serious relationship!

April said...

I'm envious for so many reasons I won't even begin to attempt to tell you about because really, we don't know each other well enough to go there.

But great story. I actually laughed, and seeing as how I'm currently pms-ing, it was a great change from the crying and world-hating I was experiencing.


Megs said...

Maybe I am lacking in the romance and lurrrve department here, but the whole roses in the bed thing? Way overrated.

Also, I'm guessing Twat's mom was thrilled to do the laundry.

Jesus, when did I get so old?!

Sarah P said...

*sigh* Le teenage love.

I remember when a bottle of Boone's Farm and a bed with sheets on it did it for me, too.

So romee-antic.

Cassie said...

LMAO. You guys are the most awesome parents ever. I'm pretty sure if my parents had known for sure what was going down on prom night, they would have made me wear a chastity belt.

Hippo Brigade said...

Twat, J-Whiz, and Bunny? What kind of sick T.V. sitcom are you a part of? And when is it on, so I can add it to my DVR?

Harna said...

Does knowing these things about your son make you want to vom ever so slightly?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When you're a grandma next year, do you prefer MeeMaw or Gammy? I think Gammy suits you.

Anonymous said...

Aw..... I didn't get roses on my bed until my wedding night.

Damn Bunny!

otherworldlyone said...

Ok, I just read the first Bunny post and now this.

Your reaction to the sex in your house thing...I get that. I wish I didn't, but I do. And I'm not even the parent of a teenager, but my mother refuses to deal with my 17 year old sister when it involves anything of a sexual nature.

That's why, after her prom this past Saturday, I was sitting on my porch drinking a bottle of wine and waiting for the little fucker to come home (while mom was at the beach). She got there around 12 with her boyfriend, a friend and her friend's date. I left them alone in there, thinking surely they wouldn't screw while I'm RIGHT THERE. Ha.

The next day I'm cleaning up my kid's playroom and I find a bright yellow Trojan wrapper on the floor. Turns out while my sister was having her horizontal last dance with her boyfriend in her room, she let her friends do it in my five year old's playroom. On her daybed. And she'd been playing in there all afternoon before I found the wrapper.

LIVID. It's Wednesday. STILL. LIVID.

How do you deal with this shit??!

Kurt said...

Humping-> Prom.
Your Mom -> Humping.


Your Mom is like the Prom.

kate said...

No fair...Bunny's prom was SOOO much cooler than mine. Roses? Metallica?

Please, all I got was a bottle of rum and some weed to party with at my sort-of boyfriend's apartment (since he had recently been kicked out of his parents' house) with some friends before we went to dinner at a Chinese buffet (but my date never came in because he and his buddies were hot-boxing in the car) and then I got to prom and discovered that I was allergic to something that we had eaten at dinner because I was covered in hives the size of quarters.

I wish I was kidding.

Just.Kate said...

Oi vay. That Kiddo knows how to get him some. MY boyfriend... *thinking*... gets me drunk. Oh, love.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You crack em up. I hope along with his guitar and roses he bought a box of condoms ;-)

Well told story!

otherworldlyone said...

On the off chance you haven't seen this Pee Wee Herman doll:


carissajaded said...

Hilarious! And reallllyyy makes me want to have kids one day. No but for real, I'm super glad I came across your little corner of the web!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Oh, I've missed you and your posts. Damn job!

Hope the prom was wonderful and she was not fertile.


just making my way said...

That is hilarious. And very, very frightening to the mother of a 7 year old.