Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Key To Losing Weight? Go Topless.

Last year

Me: I’ve decided we are going to go walking 5 days a week.
The Captain: Wha?
Me: We need to lose weight. We are going for a walk every night after work.
The Captain: Are you going topless?
Me: Excuse me?
The Captain: Because the only way that can be fun for me is if you go topless.
Me: This is not about fun. This is about getting healthy.
The Captain: Topless healthy?
Me: No.
The Captain: Damn it.

6 months ago

Me: Look what I bought today!
The Captain: A jump rope?
Me: Yeah, I read that jump roping is great exercise.
The Captain: I’m not going to jump rope.
Me: Fine, I’ll do it by myself then.
The Captain: That’s what she said.
Me: I’ll do it every morning before I shower for work.
The Captain: Are you gonna do it…you know *eyebrow waggle* topless?
Me: Are you kidding? I’ll give myself black eyes if I did that.
The Captain: I would totally get up early to see that.
Me: I’m not jump roping topless.
The Captain: Damn it.

2 months ago

Me: Hey, I decided on a new exercise plan.
The Captain: What is it this time?
Me: Yoga.
The Captain: I did yoga with you once. Remember what I said?
Me: Yeah yeah…men are not meant to be in the downward dog position.
The Captain: It’s just not right.
Me: Well, I’m going to try it again. I bought a yoga mat.
The Captain: You need a special mat to do it?
Me: Yes, so I don’t slip around in my own sweat on the bedroom floor.
The Captain: That sounds hot. Are you gonna…
Me: Do it topless?
The Captain: Yeah?
Me: No.
The Captain: Damn it!

Last night

Me: Oooh, watch this infomercial with me!
The Captain: No.
Me: Oh come on. It’s about Zumba.
The Captain: What the hell is Zumba?
Me: It’s a kind of exercise program. It’s basically just dancing. Which is awesome.
The Captain: That dude is gay.
Me: Shut up, he’s not a dude. He’s the instructor. He’s supposed to be perky.
The Captain: I’m sorry. That instructor is totally gay.
Me: See? It’s like salsa dancing. Doesn’t it look fun?
The Captain: I’m not doing that.
Me: I want that DVD.
The Captain: Will you do what that chick is doing with her hips if I get it for you?
Me: Probably.
The Captain: *type type type* Done. It’ll be here Friday.
Me: Hooray!
The Captain: You know what would probably make the workout better?
Me: Don’t say it.
The Captain: But…
Me: I’m not doing Zumba topless.
The Captain: Oh come on! Topless Zumba!
Me: No.
The Captain: Why is nothing in this house done topless???

This is why I will always be fat. I mean, you try exercising while your husband keeps sneaking in and trying to rip off your sports bra.


Moooooog35 said...

Sure. Blame the guy.

It's not our fault you have boobs.

Ed said...

Do it!

For him!

You could be saving his life by encouraging his weight-loss and improving his heart health.

Instead, you are killing him with your modesty.



Hey....Topless Murder....SWEET.

Cassie said...

LMAO. I think yoga is the only one that you could possibly do topless with out knocking yourself out.

Soda and Candy said...

Just let him do it, then *shimmy* and *kapow* black eye. he will respect the power of the bra after that!

Beta Dad said...

God. Why are wives so selfish with their boobies?

One Pea said...

Too funny. I once had the opposite problem. I was always walking around the house half-naked hoping that maybe then I could get more attention than the Xbox. Alas, it did not work. Stupid Xbox.

Logical Libby said...

I totally almost bought the Zumba DVD last night.

Then I realize I had probably had too much to drink to think I could actually do that -- and put myself to bed.

Sarah P said...

This blog post is good, but do you know what would make it even better?

*eyebrow waggle*


Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA! This made me spit coffee out in an attractive waterfall effect onto my t-shirt. What's with men and boobs? Really? They're two mounds of flesh right in an inconvenient spot that gets in the way of exercise. Do you not see this, boys?

Dude. As I do Zumba I have to say the mere IDEA of doing it topless is alarming, even if you have tiny boobs. I mean boobs are not meant to move that way.

Surfie said...

My hubby is always trying to convince me to walk around the house naked. So far he hasn't asked me to exercise naked. I guess he's working up to that one.

DevilsHeaven said...

He totally sounds like my husband. This is why I workout at the REC Center, where I JUST Signed up for a ZUMBA CLASS!
The other night it was way hot here, so I didn't put my top on while eating and getting ready to go to the REC and my husband was all, "DUDE!!! You going to class, TOPLESS!!!!!!!?!?????!!!??"
*insert eye roll*

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

I did a downward dog topless once and got dust bunnies on my nipples. Some people are just too hot to work out topless.

just making my way said...

I've done one ZUMBA class in my life. I'm not a bad dancer, and pretty coordinated so I thought I'd be good at it. Unfortunately, I looked more like some kind of flailing moron. Maybe it wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I had been topless?

Dani said...

The idea of topless jump rope makes me cringe in pain. That's just mean, Captain. Just downright mean.

Mama Wheaton said...

Are there really too many things in life that should be done topless? Maybe when I was 18-20 and I hadn't had kids yet than everything could be done topless with pride! But I think I'll skip topless jumproping and dancing for sure!

otherworldlyone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
otherworldlyone said...

I've been taking Zumba classes for three weeks now, and frankly, doing it topless would hurt. Or cause freakish accidental deaths.

You have to admire his persistence though...

carma said...

laughing at Ed's brilliant comment :D

my husband and your's are eeerily similar. Only I succumbed once to his ridiculous topless idea. Luckily it was in a desolated area (I hope)

Kim said...

This is very similar to Jason's "She just needs some good dick" theory to every problem ever had by a woman on t.v. or in a movie.

Didactic Pirate said...

Miss Yvonne, you earned my love within the first five lines of this post. I'm yours forever.
P.S. If you don't want to do Zumba topless, how a compromise: ten minutes with a pair of Shake Weights -- sports bra optional.

Anonymous said...

Hubby sits and stares at me when I work out. Then he giggles and says, " Boobies."

It's his fault I'm fat.

Claire said...

You need a new blog name, because I am already bad at using a blog reader/new posts (I lack scroll ability) and I keep missing all your hilariousness, but, you're at the very bottom, because of the damn alphabet. No, no blog name change..we just need to rearrange the alphabet!
So, I saw a guy jogging, this afternoon & was dead serious like "what if I just decided to jog with no shirt on?? What would happen?" (besides people dying from clawing their eyes out, of course)
So.. now someone needs to do it, so we find out!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I want to Yoga outside and be all peaceful with nature and all but that ain't happening.

Word Verification is Yogeray.

Maybe that's the secret?


Green-Eyed Momster said...

s/b do Yoga outside....

W.V. someday

I kid you not!

more Jugs!!

Anonymous said...

Oooh...I loved reading your blog! Boobies are great fun...especially when it involves movement...NOT!

sherri said...

that is a serious boob man you have there.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I agree. Save his life by doing it topless!
Hecks, I'm going to do it too, so if I have black eye(s) tomorrow, I'm totally blaming you.