Monday, October 11, 2010

And The Award For Best Actress Eating A Hamburger Goes To…

I just realized this morning it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve posted something here. So sorry, little people, but I’ve been very busy becoming a movie star. After I sent my resume to the production assistant for the movie they are filming here by my office, I figured it wouldn’t be long before I’d find myself on the casting couch. And I wasn’t wrong, although technically I haven’t yet physically sat on the couch. Or met anyone associated with the movie in person. Or ummmm, acted in anything. Yet! Because this? Is totally happening.

See, I got an email response to my resume submittal. From the producer, y’all. Yeah, big time. This lady. Right here.

Producer Email: Received your contact information re: becoming an extra for the movie. Need your availability please.

Response: My availability is limited during the day, but I work right here in the office building you are shooting near so I could do it during lunch breaks or after 5pm. Also, that’s what she said.

Producer Email: I need extras mostly on Saturdays.

Response: I can do Saturdays like nobody’s business. I do Saturdays long time. Speaking of being an extra, some people say that I’m a natural when it comes to standing around in the background. Plus I have a really big head which I’m told translates well on film. Also, I am plus size and I know you want this film to be diverse, so there you go.

Producer Email: I have to ask this so we have complete information – what is your age?

Response: I’m 36, but could probably pass for 35. Oh and I’ve been rehearsing several characters that I think would be great for the movie. My “Lady Eating Hamburger In Crowd” is especially good. “Lady Drinking Something From Taco Bell Cup While Leaning Seductively On Car Hood” is also noteworthy but I'm not quite sure about it. Too Tawny Kitaen perhaps?

Producer Email: Also need your phone number. Keep in mind this is a children's movie.

Response: Gotcha...children's movie. Duly noted. My phone number is 1-800-HOT-CHUB. Heh heh, I kid.

So far I haven’t heard back from him. It’s been a week. I figure he’s busy deciding what role he’s going to give me. Probably the hilarious cougar neighbor lady that always brings burnt stuff to the neighborhood potlucks but hahaaa! who cares because dude, that fat chick is smokin’!

I’m thinking of getting my teeth capped in preparation for my role. And maybe getting my second chin sucked out too. I don’t know. It depends on how much volunteer extras get paid.


Didactic Pirate said...

They're filming in an office? You need to craft your bio accordingly. Tell them about your recent roles that'll show you're perfect for their raunchy workplace comedy:

Lady Xeroxing Ass During Holiday Party
HR Manager Who Hugs People Too Much
Woman in Break Room Who Keeps Asking Who's Been Drinking Non-Dairy Creamer Straight Out Of The Carton
Woman Who Keeps Emailing Links Of Russian LOL Cats Videos To Everyone.

Wait... it's a kid's movie? Oh.

Fragrant Liar said...

Miss Yvonne, I think they need to hire you for the script treatment. Is it a comedy? You're a shoe-in, honey.

Moooooog35 said...

I was an extra on the movie "Liar Liar."

* not true

Jules said...

I think they would need lots of big haired women in the background eating hamburgers for kids' movies. I mean, I don't WATCH kids' movies but I assume...

Beta Dad said...

I know you're probably not supposed to talk about who the director is, but the "kids' movie in an office setting" has James Cameron written all over it. It's him, isn't it? I hear his casting couch is very comfy.

SooZeQue said...

You are so ridiculously funny you should be in your own show! They're fools if they don't call. I was in the movie Empire like 48 years ago playing some poor cripple kid on a swing. I always thought I was in a March of Dime commercial with braces on my legs and wondered why they had to hired crippled children.... then my mom told me a few years ago it wasn't a commercial. I have no idea why I felt the need to say any of that... only that You Crack me Up!

Logical Libby said...

You should really make sure you get a trailer. And make sure it's close to the craft service table.

Ed said...

I once did a threesome and your mom was the extra.

Guess it runs in your family.

And by "it", I mean my genetic material.


Seriously, that's awesome! Good luck!

Chris said...

Your look is already perfect. You should probably focus on getting a new wardrobe. Did you tell them you can bring your own trailer?

diane said...

Oh PLEASE tell me that you used the pirate photo from the office party on your resume.
Also, I was thinking that they might consider making a short film of you on the day that you wore mismatched shoes and didn't realize it until you were in line at the store. You could win a lot of awards for that, they should totally do it.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

lol. "...i'm thinking of getting my teeth capped..." it's so true.

Kurt said...

I'm sad you've gone all Hollywood on us, but I like that you're thinking ahead about possible endorsement deals. That's how winner's think.

Your Mom was the same way. That's why she has a tattoo of a fanciful polar bear holding a tube of Valtrex on her inner thigh.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

OMG you are SOOOOO going to be famous!
let me know if you need an assistant (I'm bilingual)

Mae said...

Ok, I have decided, after this, I am not commenting because I keep commenting because it's all amazing and making me laugh and I feel like a utter nerd for 'keep commenting'. Um. Amazing. Yet again.