I just realized this morning it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve posted something here. So sorry, little people, but I’ve been very busy becoming a movie star. After I sent my resume to the production assistant for the movie they are filming here by my office, I figured it wouldn’t be long before I’d find myself on the casting couch. And I wasn’t wrong, although technically I haven’t yet physically sat on the couch. Or met anyone associated with the movie in person. Or ummmm, acted in anything. Yet! Because this? Is totally happening.
See, I got an email response to my resume submittal. From the producer, y’all. Yeah, big time. This lady. Right here.
Producer Email: Received your contact information re: becoming an extra for the movie. Need your availability please.
Response: My availability is limited during the day, but I work right here in the office building you are shooting near so I could do it during lunch breaks or after 5pm. Also, that’s what she said.
Producer Email: I need extras mostly on Saturdays.
Response: I can do Saturdays like nobody’s business. I do Saturdays long time. Speaking of being an extra, some people say that I’m a natural when it comes to standing around in the background. Plus I have a really big head which I’m told translates well on film. Also, I am plus size and I know you want this film to be diverse, so there you go.
Producer Email: I have to ask this so we have complete information – what is your age?
Response: I’m 36, but could probably pass for 35. Oh and I’ve been rehearsing several characters that I think would be great for the movie. My “Lady Eating Hamburger In Crowd” is especially good. “Lady Drinking Something From Taco Bell Cup While Leaning Seductively On Car Hood” is also noteworthy but I'm not quite sure about it. Too Tawny Kitaen perhaps?
Producer Email: Also need your phone number. Keep in mind this is a children's movie.
Response: Gotcha...children's movie. Duly noted. My phone number is 1-800-HOT-CHUB. Heh heh, I kid.
So far I haven’t heard back from him. It’s been a week. I figure he’s busy deciding what role he’s going to give me. Probably the hilarious cougar neighbor lady that always brings burnt stuff to the neighborhood potlucks but hahaaa! who cares because dude, that fat chick is smokin’!
I’m thinking of getting my teeth capped in preparation for my role. And maybe getting my second chin sucked out too. I don’t know. It depends on how much volunteer extras get paid.
On Becoming My Grandmother
2 weeks ago