Monday, November 8, 2010

This Guy Is The Reason My Life Will Never Be Exciting

So I heard a review on the radio about a movie called “127 hours”. It’s about that guy who went hiking alone and didn’t tell anyone where he was going and then he fell or something and got his arm caught under a rock and 5 days later he cut his own arm off to get free.

Yeah.

So hiking is out for me. For, like, ever. Because I don’t know about you but fuck that shit. And the worst part is, it happened while he was walking. He wasn’t parachuting, he wasn’t bungee jumping, he wasn’t wrestling tigers. He was doing something fairly common that millions of people do. Maybe a more advanced type of walking, sure. But still. Walking. This is what scares me.

I mean, I’ve gone hiking before without incident. Mostly in flat places where the biggest rock is the size of my foot with maybe one or two big enough to stand on. But seriously, y’all. I really don’t like walking around as much as I like keeping my arm. So as of today, hiking is permanently banned from my life. Just the thought of doing something that could result in me having to cut off any of my body parts makes me want to buy a rascal and never walk anywhere again.

Oh shit. What if the rascal hits a rock and throws me off and I get trapped anyway?? It's a lose-lose situation, y'all.

Not to mention that this guy cut off his arm with his pocketknife. I never carry a pocketknife. Or any knife for that matter. Sometimes I carry a spoon in my purse (don’t ask) but no way would that cut through bone. Unless I could spend my 5 days sharpening the spoon on the rock that trapped me to a vicious point and therefore make it possible to cut off my arm. Then I could be all “Ha! Take that rock! How’s that for irony! I used the very thing that which trapped mine self’s arm to free thine self from thy perilous grasp!”. I figure I’d be so delirious by then that I would have slipped into a bad Shakespearean accent for some reason. I mean, I just cut off my own arm for fuck’s sake. Give me a break. You try cutting off your arm and see if whatever you say afterwards makes any sense, you big jerkface.

Honestly, I just don’t think I could do it. I told Captain Carl that very thing and he was all “You totally would if you had no other choice.” and I was all “No way, I’d rather die than cut part of myself off.” and he was all “You’d be surprised what you could do if you were faced with death.” and I was all “You know what I would do? I would call someone with my cell phone like any smart person would.” and he was all “You probably wouldn’t get any reception since you’d be in a remote location, which is why no one could find you in the first place.” and I was all “Since when is the IHOP parking lot a ‘remote location’?” and he was all “What?” and I was all “Because that’s as far as I’m hiking from now on. From our car to the IHOP.” and he was all “Don’t you want to live an adventurous, exciting life? See new places? Push the boundaries?” and I was all “When was the last time you saw someone cut their own arm off at an IHOP?” and he was all *blink* and I was all “I think I’ve made my point.”

I figure finally trying one of those weird fruit syrups they have at IHOP is adventure enough for me. Suck it, excitement.

18 comments:

Sarah P said...

1. True story: just saw those weird fruit syrups ON THE SHELF AT THE GROCERY STORE, and thought to myself I'd never again have to leave home on a weekend morning.

2. I wouldn't take a purse hiking normally, but from now on I will because I'd have chapstick for my lips, spray-on salad dressing and Altoids for nourishment, and a little mascara for when the hot firemen come rescue me.

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah the kind of excitement that places you anywhere in reach of arm-severing pocket knives is a risky venture. You are much better off hoping you don't trip over your own feet and busting your lip against the curb on the way into IHOP, but still enjoying your fruity pancakes.

Vinny C said...

I almost recommended getting a Segway, but then I remembered the danged owner of the company that makes the things was riding one when HE ROLLED OFF A CLIFF & DIED... On second thought, outside.bad!

Houston said...

See, I never have a spoon with me so I would be totally screwed. I might have a ketchup pack but I doubt I could sharpen the edge of the pack enough on the rock to cut iff my arm.

I guess I could pop the packet and try to signal passing aircraft with spurting ketchup (Or Catsup if you swing that way.)

I just hope you don't get your arm trapped under a syrup container at Ihop and have to cut your arm off with butter. 'Cause I'm a friend and friends roll that way.

Daffy said...

I swallowed my gum from snorting...don't ask how that's possible but I did. Since when is IHOP a remote location?!?

Oh YOU SLAY me!

Tony Spunk said...

You know sexy lady, I remember that story about the dude and the arm cutting thing. I saw it on the news at the time after pulling an all nighter filled with martinis and shenanigans. I actually thought I was still drunk or something. It's lucky that dude didn't decide to cut off his balls because anybody who can cut off their own goddamn arm, must have balls the size of Jupiter. Dude would still be out there sawing away...

Megs said...

Personally, I think it is COMPLETELY BARBARIC to go anywhere there isn't cell phone reception. And I am a civilized person.

I am also a vain person, and no way I want to go through life without my arm. And the knowledge that I cut it off myself because I was too dumb to stay away from a place with no cell phone reception. Fuck a bunch of that.

diane said...

I saw that movie trailer, but just kept watching trailers until the one with Jake Gyllenhall came on. He is seriously cute.
I guess what I'm saying is, I totally support you not walking, or even not moving off of the sofa. Maybe just moving to the other side of the sofa if you spill a little bit of syrup on it.

justmakingourway said...

Walking is totally overrated. As is cutting off your own freaking ARM! Even if you do get a book and movie deal, etc, etc.
Gah!

Embrace The Cliché said...

Read an article yesterday about how that movie is making people vomit and have seizures like back when "The Exorcist" came out. Too bad he couldn't get all twisty like Linda Blair and levitate himself out of there.

Moooooog35 said...

On the bright side, if you WERE trapped in the parking lot of an IHOP you could probably just call them and they'd bring you out a knife. Or stuffed French Toast.

So many options here.

Ed said...

I agree. There's no way.

The only thing I'm cutting off is people in traffic.

Our your mom. When she is stuck on my johnson.

Chris said...

Actually, he broke his bones and just cut through the rest with his knife. So you could totally do it with the spoon. Plus, it's something to snack on.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yeah, fond of I am of silly horror movie gore, you couldn't pay me to see a movie where some guy saws off his own arm, even if it IS only acting. Seriously, how much vomiting can an auditorium hold?

Actually, if you paid me enough for say good headphones and a blindfold I might consider it. And a peg for my nose when everyone around me starts throwing up.

Ihop on the other hand. GIMME.

Didactic Pirate said...

This is why I prefer not to leave my house ever. Or the couch. But then I read an article about a man who was hanging out on his couch, reached down to search for change AND HIS ARM GOT CAUGHT BETWEEN THE CUSHIONS AND GOT STUCK AND HE HAD TO GNAW IT OFF AT THE ELBOW TO SURVIVE.

So now I don't know what to do with myself.

Lo Lo said...

Umm... you make me laugh so hard I want to cut off my arm and beat myself over the head with it. And by "cut off my own arm", I mean, totally, totally keep it connected to my shoulder and eat pancakes with it. The end.

KimmieT said...

"Our your mom. When she is stuck on my johnson."
Oh snap!

Mizzreviewlady said...

I wouldnt say that i would never go hiking but i guess this story really makes you think about it. I would have liked to see the movie!
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