Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Just A Little Diarrhea Story

Last weekend I was in Walgreens, picking up my drugs and shopping for cheap nail polish when something really surprising and bad happened. There I was, strolling leisurely through the makeup aisle, trying to decide if I wanted another pink polish or maybe a red one when my stomach started to gurgle. Hmmm, weird. I move on to the hair care aisle and it happened again....gurgling, only this time lower and accompanied by cramping. Ouchy. Guess I better check out, something feels wrong.

So I head back to the pharmacy to get my drugs and pay for the 5 nail polishes I had picked out. I put my basket on the counter and waited while the lady pulled my prescription. Suddenly the cramping came back, and this time I knew what it meant. I was gonna need a bathroom pretty soon. By now the pharmacy lady had found my drugs and had started ringing up all the stupid shit I had thought 5 minutes ago was important but now seemed ridiculous. Who needs 5 nail polishes! What was I thinking! This is taking forever!!

The cramping has picked up the pace and alarm bells are starting to go off in my brain. Hurry! We don't have much time! Bowel emergency! Sweat beads are breaking out on my forehead and holy hell, this is the longest checkout ever. The lady stops while ringing up my nail polishes and says "You really like pink, huh?" and laughs and I'm all "Yep!" but in my head I'm all "I really like bathrooms too...get the lead out, bitch!!".

Finally she finishes and I pay and run/walk to the front of the store while chanting "please please please please please" under my breath. Things are starting to look pretty bad for me and my intestines. I'm 5 miles from home in rush hour traffic, which translates into a 20 minute drive. I take off and am now yelling at myself "You can make it! You can make it!".

Guess what? Red light. Looongggg red light. At this point I've got one foot on the brake and the other braced on the floor, lifting myself up off the seat so I can...ahem...clench. The only word in my head now is "FUCKKKKKK!!!"

I couldn't make it. I had to stop at the first place I saw, an Arby's. I fucking love Arby's. I couldn't believe I was about to defile the Arby's bathroom, but I had no choice. Ever have fast food bathroom diahrrea? Yeah, it's not fun. That's all I'm going to say about that.

So this weekend, the Captain and I are meeting up with this hot lady and her husband for lunch. She's in town for some lame Depeche Mode concert and actually has the balls to not only meet me in person but also GIVE ME HER CELL PHONE NUMBER. I know, right??? That bitch is crazy. I immediately began texting her furiously about clown masks and phone sex (not together...but now that I think about it, that would be pretty awesome). Amazingly, she responded and we've been having a texting battleship war for two days. What's even better is that she told me she also had a public bathroom diarrhea incident this week. We're totally diarrhea twins! But hers was gas station bathroom diarrhea, which is way worse than Arby's bathroom diarrhea. So I am totally winning the diarrhea competition. Wait, maybe there wasn't a competition.

OMG, we should TOTALLY have a diarrhea competition!

23 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

Hahahahaha! THAT was priceless. And I used to love Arby's too. But now every time I think of Arby's I'll think..."Miss Yvonne's diarrhea incident". Sigh.

I left you an award or sorts on meh blog.

Betsey Booms said...

We should pretty much NOT have a diarrhea competition.

Air punch!

theprovidentwoman said...

I'm thinking, no, to the competition. It could get ugly.

Courtney said...

Ha the same thing happened to the man this weekend... we were on our way home and he said his guts were hurting him so being a man he tried to fart and shit his pants. (just a little so he says) I thought it was fucking HYSTERICAL until he reminded me that I do the laundry... now it's not so funny.

The Peach Tart said...

Honey pie. I had a major blow out at the Costco. Not pretty. Smelly.

Candice said...

Well fortunately for me I don't shit. I'm pretty sure if I did, it wouldn't stink anyway.

;)

Jules said...

Gas station bathroom wins hands down!

The only thing worse is having one at work!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

You know what....I forfeit. You can have this one...

diane said...

I would leave a comment along with everybody else's, but I gotta go. . .I mean I have to run. . .whatever.

IslandBlue said...

One time, I was at the post office and this happened to me. There's no bathroom at the post office, but my sister-in-law lives nearby. No one was home, so I went in and used the bathroom because, duh, it was a diarrhea emergency! Old house, no exhaust fan, and I wasn't going to leave a candle burning so I just waved the bathroom door a few times to break up the brown cloud. Because you know diarrhea emergencies have their very own level of bad odor. Later, when I fessed up, she said she had wandered around the house yelling at the dog and looking for the "accident" she was sure he'd had. Sorry Jack-Jack.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I was going to write a comment telling you about how I just recently crapped in my pants a little, but didn't even realize it until hours later went I went to go pee, and the first thing I thought when I pulled down my pants was WTF??! Who the hell crapped in my pants??!

But I decided not to leave that comment because HELLO??! GOLD MINE! I should SAVE it for its own POST!!!

But then I changed my mind again.

And then I ate some string cheese.

the end.

Samsmama said...

There's a chinese restaurant that I LOVE but their brown sauce does not agree with me. The rate at which it is process and ready to be expelled from my system is truely alarming. Quit eating it? Nope. Now I get carry out.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

First of all, Miss Yvonne, Lame and Depeche Mode should never be in the same sentence! Okay?

I had a dream that I met you IRL. You weren't home but you were on your way and then you let ALL of us stay at your house. It was a cool dream. Do you have a lake? We were feeding ducks at a lake by your house. Weird, huh? I have no idea what it meant.

Have fun with your friend!

Jugs@@

just making my way said...

I missed Depeche Mode this year when they were around. Luckily not because I had diarrhea.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I had to hold in a diarrhea explosion across half of France when I was an exchange student in high school because I was too shy and wasn't sure how to say I needed to stop at a rest room because I was having an intestinal emergency in French.

I can't even begin to describe the agony of that drive.

Prosy said...

The gas station is always worse- because you have to ask for the key. And they all give you that knowing look.

Organic Meatbag said...

I would totally participate in a diarrhea showdown...I can spray with the best of them...best place to go is in the bathroom of a White Castle, because that is apparently where EVERYBODY prefers to spray their shit...

kate said...

My entry in the diarrhea showdown:

Since I got my gallbladder removed, things have been a little...*ahem* tricky in the digestive category. Sam and I took the dog to the park one Saturday morning - the dog park is HUGE and requires a decent little hike to get to the dog beach. We were down at the shore line of the dog beach when *rumblegurrglerumble* I gave Sam the bug-eyed look of fear and started race-walking back to the car. After finally - FINALLY - making it to the car (while actually contemplating using the dirty-as-hell-rotting-in-90-degree-humidity Port-o-Potty), I calmly (read: panicked shouting) told Sam to 'NOT DRIVE LIKE A GODDAMN GRANDPA FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE AND GET ME TO A BATHROOOOOOM!' He sped through the park and out onto the roadway to the closest thing we could find - a VERY busy McDonald's during lunch on a Saturday. Awesome.

Man...I have another one that's almost as bad and also involves McDonald's. I don't know how many poo stories from me you want on your blog, though :)

Lorena Twatwaffle said...

I once flooded a Wendy's toilet. Proud day in my history.

erin said...

I can't believe I read this whole post. I hate poop and pooping. I actually feel the need to shower every time I poop. I feel sick right now. Especially after reading that Steamy pooped in her pants the other day. Fucking Great.

Miss Yvonne said...

I feel so much better now that everyone is sharing their diarrhea cha-cha-cha stories with me. You people are awesome and also apparently have a lot of bowel problems.

Hippo Brigade said...

Just be glad you didn't shart in your car. Because getting poo out of your car interior would be nas-tay.

shme said...

I was running a 5k. I felt like i was doing pretty well. then at a little over half the run I started to feel my stomach gurgle. It was rumbling so I drank some water. I kept running. another half mile went by and i felt it brewing in my intestines. I was committed to finish. I drank some more water. and walked a little bit. As I was walking I almost shat myself. So I ran really fast to the end. I was thinking I can do this... My ass was clenched and I was scared.. I got off the treadmill and walked fastly to the bathroom. I let out a giant watery poo. I shit soo bad until they kicked me out of the gym.