Last weekend I was in Walgreens, picking up my drugs and shopping for cheap nail polish when something really surprising and bad happened. There I was, strolling leisurely through the makeup aisle, trying to decide if I wanted another pink polish or maybe a red one when my stomach started to gurgle. Hmmm, weird. I move on to the hair care aisle and it happened again....gurgling, only this time lower and accompanied by cramping. Ouchy. Guess I better check out, something feels wrong.
So I head back to the pharmacy to get my drugs and pay for the 5 nail polishes I had picked out. I put my basket on the counter and waited while the lady pulled my prescription. Suddenly the cramping came back, and this time I knew what it meant. I was gonna need a bathroom pretty soon. By now the pharmacy lady had found my drugs and had started ringing up all the stupid shit I had thought 5 minutes ago was important but now seemed ridiculous. Who needs 5 nail polishes! What was I thinking! This is taking forever!!
The cramping has picked up the pace and alarm bells are starting to go off in my brain. Hurry! We don't have much time! Bowel emergency! Sweat beads are breaking out on my forehead and holy hell, this is the longest checkout ever. The lady stops while ringing up my nail polishes and says "You really like pink, huh?" and laughs and I'm all "Yep!" but in my head I'm all "I really like bathrooms too...get the lead out, bitch!!".
Finally she finishes and I pay and run/walk to the front of the store while chanting "please please please please please" under my breath. Things are starting to look pretty bad for me and my intestines. I'm 5 miles from home in rush hour traffic, which translates into a 20 minute drive. I take off and am now yelling at myself "You can make it! You can make it!".
Guess what? Red light. Looongggg red light. At this point I've got one foot on the brake and the other braced on the floor, lifting myself up off the seat so I can...ahem...clench. The only word in my head now is "FUCKKKKKK!!!"
I couldn't make it. I had to stop at the first place I saw, an Arby's. I fucking love Arby's. I couldn't believe I was about to defile the Arby's bathroom, but I had no choice. Ever have fast food bathroom diahrrea? Yeah, it's not fun. That's all I'm going to say about that.
So this weekend, the Captain and I are meeting up with this hot lady and her husband for lunch. She's in town for some lame Depeche Mode concert and actually has the balls to not only meet me in person but also GIVE ME HER CELL PHONE NUMBER. I know, right??? That bitch is crazy. I immediately began texting her furiously about clown masks and phone sex (not together...but now that I think about it, that would be pretty awesome). Amazingly, she responded and we've been having a texting battleship war for two days. What's even better is that she told me she also had a public bathroom diarrhea incident this week. We're totally diarrhea twins! But hers was gas station bathroom diarrhea, which is way worse than Arby's bathroom diarrhea. So I am totally winning the diarrhea competition. Wait, maybe there wasn't a competition.
OMG, we should TOTALLY have a diarrhea competition!
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago