Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Mosquito Almost Got Me Killed This Morning

I woke up this morning with a giant coochie spider bite on my inner thigh. I'm assuming it was a coochie spider that did it, because of it's proximity to the cooch. But he obviously didn't go to spider class on the day they taught how to bite the coochie, because he missed it by about 5 inches. Not that I'm complaining. I'm actually quite grateful that he missed the mark because, as embarrassing as it is to be sitting at work scratching my inner thigh all day, it would be way worse if he had actually bit the part he was probably aiming for.

I told Captain Carl about my coochie spider bite and he just stared blankly at me and I was all "Hello, I have a spider bite! It's not weird, everyone gets them." and he was all "There's no such thing as a coochie spider." and I was all "Ummm, clearly there is because look at my thigh." and he was all "Yeah, you're making that up. And it was probably an ant that did it, not a spider." and I was all "Holy shit, there are coochie ANTS too???" and he was all "Seriously, what's the matter with you?" and I was all "Your mom." and then he was all "Right." and then I was all "Come back here, I need you to scratch my coochie bite!".

Then when I was leaving for work, our West Africa Missionary neighbor came over to chit chat for a minute without his shirt on because he had been out running and I left my car door open. When I got on the highway, there was a mosquito flying around in there with me. I'm pretty sure the bastard snuck in when I was talking all churchy with the neighbor while trying not to stare at his chest because the guy's pretty old and practically a priest but damn, nice pecs Reverend!

So I'm driving and the mosquito started buzzing around my face. Every time it did, I would swing wildly and try to catch it in my fist of death. At one point I started up with the windmill arms while yelling "Get the fuck out of my face, fucker!!!!" A couple of times I went over into the next lane, but only SLIGHTLY because I am an excellent driver, especially when I'm distracted by flying insects or by texting or by opening another beer. Then I had to yell for awhile at the guy next to me that started honking during one my my wild arm swings because dude! I'm about to get West Nile over here! I can't be worrying about your stupid Honda, okay? Some people are so inconsiderate. Geesh.

I ate the biggest nectarine known to man when I got to work. I'm not even kidding. This thing was about the size of softball. No, bigger than that. It was the size of a large-ish shrunken head. Or about a B cup boob. Which is a somewhat small breast size compared to my giant bazoombas, but it's a huge size for a nectarine. And the thing was so freaking juicy. I was squirting nectarine juice all over myself and my desk. You are totally turned on right now, aren't you? Well don't be, because it wasn't sexy because I was wearing clothes and plus I wasn't moaning and making sex faces. Okay, it might have been a little sexy because every time I took a bite, the nectarine made sucking noises. But you know that line "I can eat a peach all day" or something like that? I forget what movie that was in but I know it was supposed to be all hot and sexy because ha ha! he's talking about cunnilingus! . Well, I'm here to tell you that there is no way anyone could do that all day because things start getting sticky and messy really fast and that shit gets old pretty quick, especially when you don't have enough paper towels available. Plus, have you ever seen a man doing anything all day besides sit around and not do laundry?

So I had to go into the break room to wash my face and hands because of all the juice and wouldn't you know it, The Cup Nazi was in there cleaning the front of the refrigerator. Awesome, I love that lady. I'm pretty sure she loves me way more though, because she never talks to me or makes eye contact and everyone knows that when someone does that they secretly like you a whole lot and are probably just shy or planning how they could get away with murdering you.

The Cup Nazi got new coffee makers yesterday for the office. They are the kind that you put the individual little coffee grind containers into and it brews one cup at a time. People got all excited and clappy and all day I kept hearing "Have you tried the new coffee machine yet?? OMG, you have to try the pecan praline!" Pecan fucking praline, people. It's almost like the second coming of Christ, except instead of getting forgiveness for your sins you get sweet hot beverages.

The Cup Nazi sent out a three page email with directions on how to use it and I was all "Oh please, three pages on how to make a cup of coffee?? I'm not a moron!" and then I went in there to try the hot chocolate and I put my cup under the wrong part of the machine and the hot chocolate came out and splashed all over the counter. Dudes, she didn't put ANYTHING in that email about where to put your cup! What a bitch.

23 comments:

Petit fleur said...

You are hilarious!

I know about those cooch spiders. Nasty. Just nasty!

I also live in a bog, so we have mosquitoes, roaches, palmetto bugs, horseflies, beatles, yellow jackets, fire ants and all manner of flying, biting, creepy crawling skeeve you out creature known to man.

You are in good company. Or at least sympathetic company.

Organic Meatbag said...

That movie would be Face/Off..."I can eat a peach for hours".... and this tittie ball squirty, juicy, suckled upon nectarine has me contemplating whether I should go home for lunch and shake hands with beef...

Jules said...

I can see that living next to the Missionary has really rubbed off on you....what with your cussing and naming spiders "coochie spiders" and all. And then yelling at drivers and whatnot. I'm glad I live next to a drunkard and rednecks. I seem holy then.

Also, thanks for sharing that secret about coworkers who don't look you in the eye and ignore you. I had NO IDEA that they secretly like me a lot. Whew! I appreciate the insight.

diane said...

Only here can one find coochie spiders, West Nile mosquitos, sexy Reverends, sticky nectarines, and a Cup Nazi all in one post. My hero. xo

LiLu said...

Great. As if I didn't have ENOUGH phobias.

Kim said...

If you get any funnier I am not going to read you anymore. I know, I have self-esteem issues. So bring it down a notch, okay? Or possibly break it down to several posts-- I mean, crabs and road rage mosquitos and hot old preachers and lesbian fruit all in one day? How are we supposed to compete with that huh? You tell me.

Betsey Booms said...

Wow, I totally thought the line came from True Romance, but I think I'm wrong on that now that I saw the Face/off thing..

And the line I was thinking of was when he said she even tastes like a peach.

So I was thinking of something kind of similar but not at all.

Take that coochie spider.

otherworldlyone said...

Dear gawd. There are coochie spiders? I'm already paranoid about bed bugs after watching a documentary. Now I'm going to have to wrap my business in saran wrap. Which might be a good thing...since it keeps things fresh and all. Hmm...

That Honda guy...what a shit. I had to deal with a similar person when I was being attacked by the fattest killer flies on the planet during "The Road Trip From Hell". I threw Cheese-its at his car. And wouldn't you know it, when I rolled down the window to throw them the flies went after him. That just goes to show you karma is a bitch...cause those suckers didn't leave the first few times I rolled down that window. Ha! So Honda Guy is probably right this minute gettin' bitch slapped by karma.

P.S. - Can you do entertainment for weddings? The nectarine thing would be a good start.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Glad you survived the West Nile scare!
I don't know where to start with the rest of my comment.

Coochie bite?

Juicy Peach?

Hot pecks on a Reverend?

Hot chocolate?

I might have to have a moment with myself.....

Jugs@@

kate said...

You said bazoombas. You're my hero, Miss Yvonne.

The Peach Tart said...

damn coochy spiders...just one more damn thing to worry about

Harna said...

See this is why I hate butt crack beetles. Bugs should just never go there.

In the song "Walk on Water," the lovely Steven Tyler of Aerosmith says, "...cause I practice on a peach most every niiiiiight!" Which is probably just as good or better than "I can eat a peach for hours" because Steven says it. I love him...

Kristine said...

My Mothman Prophecy "friend" heard you talkin' shit and sent his coochie spider thugs out to set the record straight.

(I am rightly fond of pecan fucking praline.)

Courtney said...

What's with the fucking spiders lately? They really need to go somewhere else.... my arm is still fucked up.... and don't even get me started on the fucking mosquitoes... I can't go outside unless I'm dress head to toe like it's fucking 50 below outside...

Little Ms Blogger said...

You had a pretty interesting and interactive morning......You'll never have to go to the gym with the aerobics you were performing in the car.

Also, I can't believe the rude Honda driver for honking at you because HE wanted to live and not get hit.

Love the Cup Nazi's name

Hippo Brigade said...

I have a coochie spider bite too! Thankfully it's on the part of my body where my ass fat backs up to my thigh fat, and instead of scratching my vagango all day, I'm scratching my ass. Thank God for that, because that's not embarrising at all.

anticsofacrazymom said...

I totally understand you about the cootchie spider, only I married mine.

Dana's Brain said...

I can't take the funny!

Although the part about coochie bites and mosquitos skeeved me out a little bit.

Did she ever give in to the Nestle request?

Prosy said...

I don't think that was any coochie spider. That was a bed bug. They just wait until you fall asleep and crawl into your orifices. Gives you chills doesn't it?
One time I'm pretty sure I caused a wreck but it doesn't matter because there was a HUGE grasshopper on my leg.

Houston said...

I blame Will Ferrell for your cootchie spider bite. Not that he did it himself, but that the curly-headed freak brought them into your house in that mop top of his.

BTW? Is a cootchie-spider the same thing as CRABS? Just askin'.

Also, as you ate your citrusey fruit did the old gay guy in the corner call out "You go girl!"

These are important points you are leaving out.

SUCK IT WILL FERRELL!

Vic said...

Oh, how I've missed you, Miss Y.

Lulu said...

Ever since I read this, I feel like scratching. In coochie spider places.

Joanna Jenkins said...

"Come back here, I need you to scratch my coochie bite!". I can't believe Capt. Carl passed on that offer :-)

And a three page email WITHOUT telling you were to put the cup?!? You're right, she's a bitch.

xoxo