Conversation I had on the phone with Captain Carl on Friday:
Me: Hello, it's a great day at Ninja Inc, this is Miss Yvonne can I help you?
CC: What are you wearing?
Me: Just my phone headset and red stilettos.
CC: You don't have red stilettos.
Me: Way to ruin the fantasy already, dude.
CC: You should TOTALLY buy some red stilettos!
Me: Is there a reason you called, besides to bug me? I'm very busy and important.
CC: You're IM'ing with Trodo again, aren't you?
Me: Yes AND I am also working very hard. *tap tap tap*
CC: Are you pretending to type something so you sound busy?
Me: *tap tap tap* I have no idea what you are talking about, sir. Now please, stop calling this number. This is not a phone sex line.
CC: Your boss just walked over, didn't he?
Me: No sir, I will not spank you with my ruler. I might need to use it later today for spreadsheeting.
Me: It's a word.
CC: Is not.
Me: Is too.
CC: It so is not.
Me: Is too infinity.
CC: So I'm calling to tell you we are being invaded by giant mushrooms.
CC: I went out in the backyard and there are mushrooms all over the yard and there is one that is 7 inches across.
Me: I don't believe you.
CC: You need go out and see it when you get home.
Me: I don't go in the backyard, you know that.
CC: Because of the garden?
Me: Yes, because of what used to be the garden but is now an overgrown, giant weed maze that small children get lost in and when they walk out the other side they are in Narnia.
CC: Oh come on, you gotta see this mushroom!
Me: I don't care about the mushroom.
CC: Yes you do!
Me: I don't want to go back there because then I will look at the garden and I will get depressed because it's awful and I can't afford to pay someone to fix it and I'm too lazy to do it myself and I know YOU won't do it.
CC: That garden was your idea, it's not my problem you made it as big as a basketball court.
Me: If you loved me, you would weed it for me.
CC: Anyway, about this mushroom...
Me: I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE TO SEE THE MUSHROOM!
CC: Come on!
Me: Just take a picture of it for me.
CC: Not the same, you have to see it in person.
CC: What's wrong?
Me: You made me depressed, thanks a lot.
CC: Depressed about the garden?
Me: Yes, I finally stopped thinking about it and then you bring it up again and now I'm depressed.
CC: Well just put it out of your mind.
Me: I can't!
CC: Yes you can. You'll come home, you'll look at the giant mushroom, you'll be amazed and you'll not think about the garden.
Me: Oh for pete's sake, I don't care about the stupid mushroom!
Me: Now you're mad at me?
CC: You overreact, I get tired of that.
Me: Well excuse me, Mr. Perfect.
CC: Nothing, I'm gonna go.
Me: I can't wait to see that mushroom!
P.S. That mushroom was so not 7 inches wide.
P.P.S. I promise I'll post this week about my penis straws and our new librarian renter.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago