Sunday, August 9, 2009

How A Mushroom Made Me Fight With My Husband

Conversation I had on the phone with Captain Carl on Friday:

Me: Hello, it's a great day at Ninja Inc, this is Miss Yvonne can I help you?
CC: What are you wearing?
Me: Just my phone headset and red stilettos.
CC: You don't have red stilettos.
Me: Way to ruin the fantasy already, dude.
CC: You should TOTALLY buy some red stilettos!
Me: Is there a reason you called, besides to bug me? I'm very busy and important.
CC: You're IM'ing with Trodo again, aren't you?
Me: Yes AND I am also working very hard. *tap tap tap*
CC: Are you pretending to type something so you sound busy?
Me: *tap tap tap* I have no idea what you are talking about, sir. Now please, stop calling this number. This is not a phone sex line.
CC: Your boss just walked over, didn't he?
Me: No sir, I will not spank you with my ruler. I might need to use it later today for spreadsheeting.
CC: Spreadsheeting?
Me: It's a word.
CC: Is not.
Me: Is too.
CC: It so is not.
Me: Is too infinity.
CC: So I'm calling to tell you we are being invaded by giant mushrooms.
Me: Huh?
CC: I went out in the backyard and there are mushrooms all over the yard and there is one that is 7 inches across.
Me: I don't believe you.
CC: You need go out and see it when you get home.
Me: I don't go in the backyard, you know that.
CC: Because of the garden?
Me: Yes, because of what used to be the garden but is now an overgrown, giant weed maze that small children get lost in and when they walk out the other side they are in Narnia.
CC: Oh come on, you gotta see this mushroom!
Me: I don't care about the mushroom.
CC: Yes you do!
Me: I don't want to go back there because then I will look at the garden and I will get depressed because it's awful and I can't afford to pay someone to fix it and I'm too lazy to do it myself and I know YOU won't do it.
CC: That garden was your idea, it's not my problem you made it as big as a basketball court.
Me: If you loved me, you would weed it for me.
CC: Anyway, about this mushroom...
CC: Come on!
Me: Just take a picture of it for me.
CC: Not the same, you have to see it in person.
Me: Whatever.


CC: What's wrong?
Me: You made me depressed, thanks a lot.
CC: Depressed about the garden?
Me: Yes, I finally stopped thinking about it and then you bring it up again and now I'm depressed.
CC: Well just put it out of your mind.
Me: I can't!
CC: Yes you can. You'll come home, you'll look at the giant mushroom, you'll be amazed and you'll not think about the garden.
Me: Oh for pete's sake, I don't care about the stupid mushroom!
CC: Fine.
Me: Now you're mad at me?
CC: You overreact, I get tired of that.
Me: Well excuse me, Mr. Perfect.
CC: *sigh*
Me: What?
CC: Nothing, I'm gonna go.


Me: I can't wait to see that mushroom!
CC: *click*
Me: Hello?

P.S. That mushroom was so not 7 inches wide.

P.P.S. I promise I'll post this week about my penis straws and our new librarian renter.


Amy Kate said...

What is going on with giant mushrooms lately????

You are all lunatics. We have NO mushrooms at my place. But maybe I'll find some tomorrow. So I can be like the cool kids!

Anonymous said...

What a random conversation!! I think I will need pictorial evidence to decide who is right .... ;0)

Vic said...

Are you sure it's Narnia back there, and not Children of the Corn?

Where did Renty go??

Candice said...

Leave it to a man to over exaggerate the size of something.

CatLadyLarew said...

It wouldn't be a psychedelic mushroom, would it? Or maybe Captain Carl just ate some 'shrooms, which made him exaggerate (and get all phone sexy.)

diane said...

Hahaha at Candice's comment!

You should definitely wear red stillettos to work, it would freak out your co-workers. And then you could offer them some mushrooms. Or maybe you should give them the mushrooms first, and then freak them out. Yeah....that might be a better idea.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Ha, ha, you totally do IM me at work and I have so much fun saying inappropriate things in hopes your work computer would pick it up and then your boss would totally be all "Why are you talking about vagina penis hybrids at your work computer?"

Organic Meatbag said...

Look, you kids have to be stronger than the mushrooms...stronger!!! Don't fight about the mushrooms...once this happens, the mushroom has won, and he starts inviting his other fungi friends into the thing you know, it's a fungi orgy, and the cops are over at all hours of the that what you want? Well, IS IT????!!

Anonymous said...

Maybe Renty is eating your shrooms???!!!

otherworldlyone said...

So that's the kind of stuff married people fight about!

Lana said...

wait, renty's gone? and why do weeds have to be so damn tenacious all the time? can't they just chill with the growing and leave room for nice veggies and flowers?

kate said...

Hurray!! New renters :)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I think you need lots of sheep shit to grow the right kind of mushrooms. At least that's what I remember from the '80s!! ;)

Your garden could be AWESOME with the right kind of shit!!

Looking forward to reading about the penis straws and the Librarian. What did you catch her doing with those?


erin said...

Wait a garsh darn second...I sometimes IM with Trodo...but not with you...

Why is that? Are you guys IMing behind my back in a secret tryst like manner?!

TrodoMcCracken said...

@Erin: Of course we are IM'ing behind your back and laughing about your hair and out-dated style of clothes and the best way to kidnap all your children and sell them to the Russians. Isn't that what everyone talks about?

Little Ms Blogger said...

I can totally relate to this post.

We've had a ton of rain this summer and my backyard was sporting some ugly ass mushrooms (one finally semi-dried up once the sun came out and I kept slipping on when weeding). However, one tree, we were getting cut down was riddled with mushrooms and everytime I looked in the backyard I saw them. They looked like warts. It was grossed. Naturally, I whined everday till tree guy came.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hi Miss Yvonne, I'm just back from vacation and stopped to see how you are doing. Your mushroom story cracked me up!


Anonymous said...

First time visitor. Loving your work.

Betsey Booms said...

Hey do you know what?

I'm totally seeing you in like two weeks!

PS... your word verification is a total racist.

mulat is horseshit. Total horseshit Miss Yvonne.