Captain Carl has been trying to convince me to get a massage for a few years now. I am what some people might call "high strung" and what my mom calls "a little bit stressed out" and what my husband calls "fucking whacked out of your mind". I have no idea why I'm stressing. I mean, my husband is starting his own business, I have two jobs, my son is going to college this month, my electric bill is heading steadily towards $500, and I have a cat molester in superman boxers living upstairs.
For some reason, I'm afraid of getting a massage. I'm nervous about being naked on a table in front of a stranger. I'm worried that I'll get super relaxed and let a fart squeak out. I don't know...I just feel weird about it. I've been trying to ease into the whole massage thing this year. I got a chair massage and that was pretty awesome. Then I had a reflexology massage, which required me to lay on the table but not take any clothes off. But that was it. There's even a massage place right across the parking lot where I work. I could walk over and get rubbed on my lunch hour (twss). But I have never done it.
Then a couple weeks ago I met a lady through my photography business. She's a massage therapist who wanted family portraits taken. I needed a massage. Bada boom, a deal was struck. And I spent every day up until Thursday freaking out about my upcoming massage.
Thursday arrived and I drove to my appointment. I was getting a 90 minute deep tissue massage. Full body. Full on nude. Full on freaking out. So she puts me in the room and there's the big table...
Oh great, I'm sweating. Now I'm gonna be "the fat lady who sweat through 90 minutes of massage". Awesome.
Okay, getting undressed quickly...get on the table before she comes back in!! Hurry! OMG, why is my bra not coming off!! Gah!
Okay, made it to the table. Here she is...quick, stick the sheet under your armpits but be sneaky about it. Need to wipe off the sweat!
Hmmmm, so they really do play Enya during massages. I always wondered about that...
This isn't so bad. Massaging my head first...feels really good.
Okay, this kind of hurts. Is she pushing on my shoulders with her fists? Ow ow ow!
Phew, glad that part is over. Now the arms. Nice...feels good....ahhhh.
Holy shit!!! What the fuck, man?? What is she doing to my arms???? That can't be good for me!
Don't tense up don't tense up don't tense up. Pretend it feels good.
Massage Therapist: How's the pressure? Enough?
Me: Yep! Perfect!
Seriously, lady? How's the pressure? You are literally pushing me off the other side of the table!
Thank God, done with the arms. Oooh, the hand massage is nice. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!
When did my mind start talking in a New York accent?
Gosh, this is great. I can put up with a little pain on my arms for this hand massage.
I never realized how much I love Enya. Hmmmm, la laa laaaaa. Sail away....blah blah yaaaa.
Okay, on to the legs. Not too bad...I can handle this. Wait...oh shit, here come the fists again. Motherfucka!!!!!!!! Ow ow ow owwwwwww....
Keep a straight face...don't let her see how much this hurts. She'll think you're a huge massage pussy.
OMG, this isn't a massage, this is torture. Save me, Obama!
Deep breaths....think of something nice. Like puppies frolicking. Or the ocean! You love the ocean!
Holy mother of all that is good and holy...make her stop!!! Say something! Tell her it's too much pressure!!!
Massage Therapist: Still good on the pressure?
Me: Oh yes, it's wonderful!
I think I'm about to pass out...
Is it normal to see spots during a massage? Enya sounds like she's singing in a tunnel. Weird.
Feet! Ohhhh, this is awesome! Okay, I will forget about the legs. The foot massage is where it's at, baby!
Oh shit, I have to turn onto my stomach? Damn damn damn...I bet she can see my boobs. Thank God it's dark in here.
Ahhhh, shoulder massage...I wish she'd do this the whole time.
Ummmm...my nipples are getting pinched a little bit here. Should I move? Is that allowed?
Okay, major nipple pinching. Maybe if I just slowly reach my hand under there and move them around, she won't notice....
Crap, I wasn't fast enough...she's massaging my arm again. Oh great, more fisting.
Butt massage? This is kind of weird, but okay. Feels pretty good...oh man, now I have to fart. I KNEW IT! Hold it hold it hold it....
Massage Therapist: Okay, we're all done...I'll just step outside and you can get dressed and come out when you're ready.
Thank God, I thought she'd never leave. *pphhhhttttttt*
Me: Well thank you so much, it was wonderful!
Massage Therapist: I'm glad you liked it! And don't worry, it's normal to pass gas after an intense massage.
Me: Oh ummm...I didn't...I mean...not until after...ummm...
Massage Therapist: Was there enough pressure? I gave you the beginner pressure.
Me: That was beginner pressure?
Massage Therapist: Oh yes. It can get quite a bit more intense.
Me: Oh. Well, I mean there could have been a little bit more pressure...but this was fine.
Massage Therapist: We'll try a bit more next time.
Me: Oh ah....ha hahaa, okay.
Massage Therapist: Namaste
Me: Sure, ummm...right back at ya.
On Becoming My Grandmother
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