Monday, August 2, 2010

The Most Painfully Relaxing Massage Ever

Captain Carl has been trying to convince me to get a massage for a few years now. I am what some people might call "high strung" and what my mom calls "a little bit stressed out" and what my husband calls "fucking whacked out of your mind". I have no idea why I'm stressing. I mean, my husband is starting his own business, I have two jobs, my son is going to college this month, my electric bill is heading steadily towards $500, and I have a cat molester in superman boxers living upstairs.

For some reason, I'm afraid of getting a massage. I'm nervous about being naked on a table in front of a stranger. I'm worried that I'll get super relaxed and let a fart squeak out. I don't know...I just feel weird about it. I've been trying to ease into the whole massage thing this year. I got a chair massage and that was pretty awesome. Then I had a reflexology massage, which required me to lay on the table but not take any clothes off. But that was it. There's even a massage place right across the parking lot where I work. I could walk over and get rubbed on my lunch hour (twss). But I have never done it.

Then a couple weeks ago I met a lady through my photography business. She's a massage therapist who wanted family portraits taken. I needed a massage. Bada boom, a deal was struck. And I spent every day up until Thursday freaking out about my upcoming massage.

Thursday arrived and I drove to my appointment. I was getting a 90 minute deep tissue massage. Full body. Full on nude. Full on freaking out. So she puts me in the room and there's the big table...

Oh great, I'm sweating. Now I'm gonna be "the fat lady who sweat through 90 minutes of massage". Awesome.

Okay, getting undressed quickly...get on the table before she comes back in!! Hurry! OMG, why is my bra not coming off!! Gah!

Okay, made it to the table. Here she is...quick, stick the sheet under your armpits but be sneaky about it. Need to wipe off the sweat!

Hmmmm, so they really do play Enya during massages. I always wondered about that...

This isn't so bad. Massaging my head first...feels really good.

Okay, this kind of hurts. Is she pushing on my shoulders with her fists? Ow ow ow!

Phew, glad that part is over. Now the arms. Nice...feels good....ahhhh.

Holy shit!!! What the fuck, man?? What is she doing to my arms???? That can't be good for me!

Don't tense up don't tense up don't tense up. Pretend it feels good.

Massage Therapist: How's the pressure? Enough?
Me: Yep! Perfect!

Seriously, lady? How's the pressure? You are literally pushing me off the other side of the table!

Thank God, done with the arms. Oooh, the hand massage is nice. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

When did my mind start talking in a New York accent?

Gosh, this is great. I can put up with a little pain on my arms for this hand massage.

I never realized how much I love Enya. Hmmmm, la laa laaaaa. Sail away....blah blah yaaaa.

Okay, on to the legs. Not too bad...I can handle this. Wait...oh shit, here come the fists again. Motherfucka!!!!!!!! Ow ow ow owwwwwww....

Keep a straight face...don't let her see how much this hurts. She'll think you're a huge massage pussy.

OMG, this isn't a massage, this is torture. Save me, Obama!

Deep breaths....think of something nice. Like puppies frolicking. Or the ocean! You love the ocean!

Holy mother of all that is good and holy...make her stop!!! Say something! Tell her it's too much pressure!!!

Massage Therapist: Still good on the pressure?
Me: Oh yes, it's wonderful!

I think I'm about to pass out...

Is it normal to see spots during a massage? Enya sounds like she's singing in a tunnel. Weird.

Feet! Ohhhh, this is awesome! Okay, I will forget about the legs. The foot massage is where it's at, baby!

Oh shit, I have to turn onto my stomach? Damn damn damn...I bet she can see my boobs. Thank God it's dark in here.

Ahhhh, shoulder massage...I wish she'd do this the whole time. nipples are getting pinched a little bit here. Should I move? Is that allowed?

Okay, major nipple pinching. Maybe if I just slowly reach my hand under there and move them around, she won't notice....

Crap, I wasn't fast enough...she's massaging my arm again. Oh great, more fisting.

Butt massage? This is kind of weird, but okay. Feels pretty good...oh man, now I have to fart. I KNEW IT! Hold it hold it hold it....

Massage Therapist: Okay, we're all done...I'll just step outside and you can get dressed and come out when you're ready.

Thank God, I thought she'd never leave. *pphhhhttttttt*

Me: Well thank you so much, it was wonderful!
Massage Therapist: I'm glad you liked it! And don't worry, it's normal to pass gas after an intense massage.
Me: Oh ummm...I didn't...I mean...not until after...ummm...
Massage Therapist: Was there enough pressure? I gave you the beginner pressure.
Me: That was beginner pressure?
Massage Therapist: Oh yes. It can get quite a bit more intense.
Me: Oh. Well, I mean there could have been a little bit more pressure...but this was fine.
Massage Therapist: We'll try a bit more next time.
Me: Oh ah....ha hahaa, okay.
Massage Therapist: Namaste
Me: Sure, ummm...right back at ya.


Surfie said...

I've never had a full nude massage. I've only ever had two in my life, and I wore a bikini both times. You're so brave!

Jules said...

AS a massage therapist, YOU ARE SUPPOSED to BE HONEST if the pressure is TOO MUCH. I always am. AND I keep my undies on too.

I take my bra off though.

Speaking of which, I think I'll schedule a massage for next week.

Heather said...

I had a massage in Florida and I was naked and the massager person was a dude and his hands were soft and I was getting turned on... UNTIL HE KILLED ME WITH HIS HANDS. But he was so sexy I didn't want to tell him he was hurting me...

Miss Yvonne said...

Just to clarify for Miss Bossy McMassage Therapist Jules, I did keep my panties on but it felt like I was completely naked on account of my boobs flying free. And I am totally NOT telling her the pressure is too much because I want her to think I'm a bad ass massage receiver person.

Yeah I know what you're thinking and yes, I probably do need the kind of therapist that gives me pills instead of massages. Shut up.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I don't get it either because those massage ladies always seem to be TINY LITTLE FRAIL LOOKING LADIES! Then they unleash the hell pain on your muscles. Then you ache all the next day and walk like your constipated. By "you" I mean "me". Then you feel awesome!

I'm not sure where farts fit in... But well done!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

...and then you lose all grammar skills. Like the difference between "your" and "you're". Brain fart. We fart from different ends you and I.

Harna said...

Nipple pinching?! What the hell?! Did the sign say "massage parlor?"

Didactic Pirate said...

Check the brochure. They usually charge extra for nipple pinching and ass pummeling. Not to mention a happy ending.

kate said...

This makes me want to get a massage. Like, badly...I got a hot stone massage in Vegas after my wedding last year and it kind of sucked. I'd so rather have the awesome-nudey-full-body-rub-down.

Kurt said...

Your mom never complains about too much pressure either.

Rebekah Mae said...

Hahaha that sounds alot like my first massage too. Though you were alot more calmer when she massaged your butt. I freaked out and was like..HOMG WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY BUM! (Afterward I immediately asked my mom if that was normal)

Ps. It's totally normal to see spots while getting a massage, or at least i hope it is since i saw some when my therapist worked the knots out of my back.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

Lady you are too much, farting while getting a massage! =) I had one body massage done by my friends boyfriend (clothes on, and not full body- this was HER gift for my birthday)...while she stand there watching us the whole a hawk. Can you say unconfortable and akward? I'll stick to my chair massage while getting a Pedi.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...


Don't feel bad, I never complain when it's too hard or too soft. I just lay there and get pissed off about it. One time I had this lady who, as the final "coup de gras" to the torture session, swept all my hair up into a ponytail and DRAGGED me across the massage table. It was a "massage for my hair follicles," she said, and in my head I was crying and begging her to stop, but out loud I was like, "Weeeeeee!!" so she did it twice more.

I don't know why it's so hard to just tell them it's too hard. Maybe because we're naked and vulnerable, it feels like a vulnerable situation, so we assume they feel vulnerable too.

Don't you hate when you write a funny post and then some jerkoff comes in with a piece of earnest, serious insight or advice about the topic? When all you really want is for them to tell you you're funny and shut up? Yeah, I hate that too.

Kristine said...

I think we had the same virgin-busting massage. And she was fucking Amazonian. I think she ducked when she came in the room.

And then, at the end, she called me out. "I could tell you weren't completely relaxed."


Megs said...

I hate massages because I don't like people touching me even when I'm wearing clothes. So bare hands on my naked skin makes me very, very unrelaxed.

Erin said...

Ok this was hilarious, and all of the comments are hilarious, too. I always feel awkward during a massage, but I will say the last time I went the masseuse was male and was much gentler -- he was possibly worried about being too hard. When I went as a couple with my husband, he wore his underwear and then they asked him to take them off LOL!

Sarah Brooks said...

New follower here and may I say you are "hehehehilarious!" It's never easy to put it all out there (under a sheet or on the web.)

whatsupwiththat said...

I was seeing a massage therapist and I believe she was a closet masochist or is it sadist? Whichever one likes to inflict copious amounts of pain while making small talk (kind of like a dentist for muscles). She had this really annoying way of greeting me in the outer office with a loud, "So you ready to get naked for me?" WhaT? Oh yes please Mistress and make sure to actually create visible bruises this time because the emotional scars are too subtle for everyone to see. Yeah, I used up my gift certificates with her (never prepurchase FIVE massge sessions just because you'll get a SIXTH one free) and haven't been back since. I'm pretty sure she peeked when I would turn over from my stomach to my back but with girls like mine it's to be expected. Who can resist pale, floppy DDs settling into armpits?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Your first massage ever was a deep tissue massage.... Holy Crap honey. Those can be killer.

As always, I bow to your writing greatness. This post cracked me up from top to bottom...;Enya... Hahaha.

Love you girl. And next time as for a Swedish Massage and you'll think you died and went to heaven.

xo jj

Logical Libby said...

It's kind of like when they ask if the water is too hot at the salon. It can be burning my ears off and I will say yes.

And Jules scares me now.

justmakingourway said...

Ooooohhhhh, I so want a massage right now. Even reading about your ouchy-gassy one makes me want one.

When I was living in Key West I had a massage outside by the water once. Heaven I tell ya.

VM Sehy Photography said...

You are brave. I can't see ever getting a massage and all my friends love them. I can't stand the thought of someone I don't know all that well touching me. Weird, I know. Just never been that cuddly. I did have to have physical therapy on my arm which involved having some sort of warm wand thing run over my shoulder muscles. I started to fall asleep a couple of times, so maybe I would be OK.

diane said...

Hey sweetie, were you still feeling the affects of the massage when you commented on Joanna's page? "Gold is best played when completed drunk"
I'm not stalking you, really, but I do love your funny words on & off of your page. :)

Kristin said...

OMG! I am always petrified of farting, too! I am tense the whole freaking time. NOT the point of a massage. :)

- Kristin

Heidi said...

I had a massage therapist tell me the GREATEST compliment they can receive is IF YOU DO fart--it means you're relaxing. Also--you should have been able to fill out a "Don't Touch Me There" form to begin with. I always say no to nipple pinching. ;-) Hilarious blog, by the way!!

Ed said...

First, You mom likes it hard.

Second, I get deep tissue messages all the time. They get better as the muscles loosen up. Just drink lots of water afterwards.

Third, funny shit.

Fourth, I'm pretty sure my massage therapist likes it when I fart. Especially because they smell like AWESOME.

Sarah P said...

Ooooo! Remind me to tell you a good, scary massage therapist story.

I'll give you a hint: he pretends to be blind and is into hot chicks with medical problems that cause them to have no feeling.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

That is PRECISELY why - right down to the fart - I've never had a massage and don't intend to ever get one. :) Bahahaha!

Crystal said...

HOly crap- I couldn't stop laughing! You are hilarious...I was crying!!