Friday, August 6, 2010

Things You Don't Want To Know About Me But I'm Going To Tell You Anyway


  1. I have been on a new diet and exercise plan with Captain Carl for 5 weeks. I've lost a whole 4 pounds. I'm so skinny now that people don't recognize me. At this rate, I'll be down to my target weight in oh, about 3 years.
  2. In contrast, Captain Carl has lost 15 pounds and is a new man. I thought he was bad before, but I can't keep him off me now. Last night he told me he's drinking pineapple juice because it makes his "you know...stuff" taste better. *sigh* I'm thinking of sabotaging his diet. There's only so many nipple tweaks a wife can take.
  3. I've decided to boycott all reality tv unless it is educational. Jersey Shore offers valuable lessons on tanning and ummm, sexual relations? So I'm still watching that. Stop judging, you don't know me.
  4. I noticed last night that I've been consistently missing a patch of underarm hair for what appears to be several weeks. Instead of getting up and shaving it off, I sat and watched educational tv. Yes, The Fabulous Beekman Boys is educational. They live on a farm, people. All kinds of gay educational shit is happening on that show.
  5. Last weekend I got my brother-in-law, Mailman Mike, drunk and encouraged him to sing the karaoke version of "Single Ladies". Then I taught him the dance. Then I peed my pants from laughing. He denies that it ever happened. Next time? Video camera.
  6. That same night, Mailman Mike and I decided we should form an adult karaoke Glee club. Our trademark song? "Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy. With a cheerleader jump in the air at the end. It's pretty much awesomes. Don't be jealous.
  7. The average temperature in DFW has been hovering around 105 degrees. It was 95 degrees last night at 11pm. My butt cheeks are in a constant state of sweat. Seriously, my ass is glowing like a pregnant woman's face.
  8. Speaking of ass. I had a giant hemorrhoid last week. So yeah. There's you go.

I promise I'll stop writing about hemorroids if I get over 400 followers.

Honest.

Maybe.

Probably not.

18 comments:

One Blonde Girl said...

Oh my god. SOOOOOO funny. I don't even know where to start...

4. I've been doing the same thing for YEARS (true story. that pesky patch of rogue armpit hair made me late to my junior prom)

6. Love it.

7. I'm pretty sure butt cheek sweat out grosses boob sweat. I think.

Funniest shit I've read today. Thanks.

Didactic Pirate said...

I stopped entering karaoke bars the day the first phone-with-camera was introduced to the public. And that's that.

P.S. I re-pledged my total devotion to you after you compared your ass to a pregnant woman's face. Heh.

Venom said...

Are you kidding?
I wanted to know all of those things about you and more.
Especially the hemmeroid stuff.
Maybe.
Probably not.
But I'm pretty lowbrow so I laughed anyways. ;)

kate said...

It's hotter than Satan's ballsack here in Austin.

You make me wish that I had cable.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

Do tell about the diet! I've been trying to get the hubs on board since his stomach looks like he's carrying a small backpack...int the front...you get it.

Helluuu! Jersey Shore otally rates on high education, thats why I'm making our oldest watch it.

Oh, I wanna know more about the hemorroids! (yeah, I'm cool like that)

Mandy said...

My husband quit drinking in April and has slimmed down to a whippet of a man. I haven't had a drink in over a year and I'm still trying to stuff myself into my fat jeans. God hates women.

Lindsay said...

Omg I noticed two armpit hairs that the razor just WON'T get. I mean I tried up, down, right, left. Nothing. I considered plucking. Then I just gave up.

Whiskey Girl said...

Swamp Ass is the WORST!!!!!! I feel for you.

Oh and your comment about the nipple tweeks made me laugh.

Houston said...

You rock. I am so going to mail you a gift for being you.

Now I just have to get off my butt and do it.

Yep...

Jules said...

I had a hemorrhoid too!!!! It was a bleeder!!! TWINSIES????

And I can't WAIT to see you in 3 years with your new Twiggy look!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I want to see your hemorrhoid sing "Single Ladies."

I have no idea what the fuck that means. I just out-bizarred myself.

vibram fivefingers said...

I have no idea what the fuck that means. I just out-bizarred myself.
Understand what you do so you can do it better.
Understand what you do so you can do it better.
To be a happy person who choose his love. So I choose vibram fivefingers

Sarah Brooks said...

My husband's tactic for hemroids is to toss in a box of tampons. Because he believes it distracts the drugstore clerk into thinking his wife sent him.
YOU ARE AWESOME!

Melinda said...

I have a hemmeroid. Bet mine's bigger.

Ed said...

So you're supposed to DRINK the pineapple juice?

DAMN IT! That's what I have been doing wrong.

It stung like hell the way I was doing it.

corticoWhat said...

Educational TV is an oxymoron!

PS. Does the pineapple juice thing work?

unmitigated me said...

Unless my hubs "you know...stuff" starts tasting like chocolate, he can give up hoping.

Word verification is "croch"

I swears.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

you had me at Jersey Shore.