Friday, August 27, 2010

Damn You, Banana

I know I know. I haven't been around much lately. I have my reasons.

First? Last Saturday I bit into a banana and one of my crowns came off my tooth and I swallowed it before I noticed. A fucking banana, y'all. The softest fruit on the planet ripped a dental crown that is attached with fucking cement right off the remaining nub-of-what-was-once-an-awesome-but-is-now-felled-due-to-a-hairline-fracture tooth. Yes, that sentence just happened.

So I was sitting there, all eating my banana and then I swallowed (just like your mom did last night) and I was all huh, something feels weird and then I stuck my tongue over on the side of my mouth and holy shit, my crown is gone. So of course I start frantically looking around my chair for it, like it somehow walked out of my mouth without my knowledge. Then I realized that I swallowed it (twss). So I looked over at Captain Carl with my hand over my mouth and buggy eyes and he was all "What's the matter?" and I was all *horrified stare* and he was all "What happened?" and I was all "I just swallowed my crown!" and he was all "What?" and I was all "I. JUST. SWALLOWED. MY. CROWN." and he was all "No way" and I was all "Ohmygod" and he was all "Throw up!" and I was all "No!".

And then the pain kicked in. I had a raw, stub of a tooth exposed to the elements. So I cried. And Captain Carl was all "How can you feel anything? Didn't you have a root canal before they crowned it?" and I was all "No, are they supposed to do that?" and he was all "Yes" and I was all "Fucking dentist!". So I found another dentist that was open on Saturday, went to see her with greasy Saturday morning hair and banana breath and she was all "I'll do a root canal and get a temporary crown on there" and I was all "Yes please" and she was all "But not until Monday" and I was all stabbing her in the face. But then she prescribed vicodin for the pain so I totally made out with her.

All this means that sometime this week I literally flushed $500 down the toilet.

Then!

We moved the Kiddo to college and into his dorm on Sunday. He was pretty much all jumpy and clappy and excited and I was pretty much all pretend-happy but wearing-my-sunglasses-all-day-even-inside-because-my-eyes-kept-leaking. And now he's there and not here and Captain Carl was all braggy last week about how he was going to be so excited about being alone! like newlyweds! except with a renter living upstairs! And then on Monday he asked me if I'd been in the Kiddo's room yet and I was all "No, I can't go in there yet" and he was all "It looks like a hotel room with all his stuff gone" and then he burst into tears. Heh heh. Told ya.

Then!

On Monday morning, I got my root canal done but only half of it because the dentist "didn't have time to do the whole thing since it was an emergency appointment". Which means I get to go back in two weeks for a second root canal. Which is extra special awesome. And! This new dentist is good, but she doesn't use the laughing gas like my old shitty dentist did. Which means instead of laughing and peacefully drifting towards the ceiling during my root canal, I was instead sweating and trying not to cry and/or gag. And then on my way out I got to write a check for $620.

Then!

Yesterday I got a sinus infection. And a yeast infection. My body is awesome at infections. I'm oozing from almost every orifice.

And that's why I haven't been around much. Pretty much glad you asked, right?

21 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

I feel bad for you, but I still can't get over that you lost your crown over a squishy banana! Seriously.

And I feel bad for you about the kid. Just thinking about the kids leaving home will make me cry every time.

But not as much as losing my crown over a banana.

Beta Dad said...

Jeezus. What a crappy turn of events. I'm sorry. But I still laughed.

jen@ricochet said...

Hi. I stalk your blog. I just couldn't resist commenting.

First, this post was hilarious, like all of your posts.

Second, you are not supposed to get a root canal on all crowned teeth! If the nerve has not been exposed and infection has not effected the nerve tissue, crown or not, a root canal is not needed. If you didn't have problems with the tooth before you lost the crown, and you got to the dentist fairly quickly, you should be able to just get a new crown.

Third, without your crown sealing that tooth, pain and sensitivity would be normal. I wonder if your dentist isn't trying to make an extra buck (I've worked for some shady dentists). If you needed a root canal, the x-rays would show a dark circle around the bottom of the root of that tooth. Not always, but that is a sure sign. The only advantage to doing an unesessary root canal is keeping the porcelain virginal. That's your call. Also? Not having gas in an office worries me. Most dental offices that are up to date, have gas.

Forth, there is no forth. Oh wait, there is. While I'm being a know-it-all... you shouldn't swallow! That's just icky! :)

CrackedGem said...

"I'm oozing from almost every orifice. "

I'm so glad I just ate a giant gooey cheesy quesadilla.

Thanks.

Thanks. A. Lot...

Miss Yvonne said...

Fragrant Liar: I know...only I could lose a crown with something squishy. The only thing worse than a banana would have been applesauce.

Beta Dad: Glad my misery brings laughter to your life. No really, it makes me happy. I'm weird that way.

jen: Ummm...I really just don't know what to say except that now I'm pissed my new dentist is probably a shady character who huffs all of her gas herself so there isn't any to give to her patients while she does unnecessary root canals on them. She did do an x-ray and told me that it was necessary to do the root canal, so hopefully she wasn't lying. The bitch!

CrackedGem: You know a gooey cheesy quesadilla reminds me of? My vagina. Hahaaa!!! Not really. It's not that bad. Yet.

diane said...

I totally feel sorry for you.
Last night, believe it or not, I swallowed my crown. But I broke mine on a popcorn kernel. I'm just getting the f*cking thing pulled.
I have "hotel" syndrome too, since my youngest daughter moved out. Awesome, not.
I hope that's where the similarity ends, cause I really can't afford to go to the gyno right now.

Mom said...

Well, at least you didn't...wait around for the crown to make it's way out...like the guys did with that dog in "Gone in 60 Seconds" when the pooch ate those fancy assed Mercedes keys.

jen@ricochet said...

Shady, gas-huffing bitch for sure! HA!

Sorry, just tryin' to look out! I'm not usually the doomsday messenger sort...but she'll probably screw the thing up, all high on gas! And next time? it'll fall out while eating pudding or while you're giving head or something. Just sayin'

I have no idea why giving head came to mind...bananas maybe?

Good luck. Really. Hope all gets better.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well on the plus side, I was just eating a slab of banana bread I baked when I read this and now I've lost my appetite so you probably saved another few ounces off my waistline. Thanks man!

Incidentally, if I was told I was having a root canal I'd take hostages until someone PROMISED me the gas.

Ed said...

What a coincidence?

Your mom takes her teeth out before she eats my banana.

Wait, what?

unmitigated me said...

Not all crowns have root canals under them. I have two crowns, and one RC, but the RC is in a different tooth! And it totally sucks to do a RC without gas. I know. I've been there, too.

Venom said...

Yeah, oozing. Feeling a little nauseous now.

Word verification ins HORDIALS, I wonder who she's dialing?

Didactic Pirate said...

Wow. Best Week Ever!

Jules said...

Was your crown made of marshmallow? How do you break it off with a BANANA????

Sarah P said...

Wow. I have infections in all the holes you don't have infections in.

Sooo ... we should, like, hang out and you can give me vicodin.

Lindsay said...

I forgive you for NOT being around last week. Damn. I hope the vicoden also helps dull the pain of the kiddo leaving... win win.

kate said...

Ugh...that sounds horrible. My suggestions? Take vicodin, lie in bed watching "Maury" and don't get back up until things are un-infected/hurt-y.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

Ok, so we already had "my people" all ready to go get on your ass, but now that we see your week I think you took care of that for us.
yeah, root canals rock. I have 7 dentist in my family and I still had to pay someone else to do my last one.
When I take over the world I'm disinheriting all my freaks-family-dentists.

cfoxes33 said...

Bless your heart! I hope you get better real soon.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Holy crap girl! That all really sucks. I am so sorry. And after reading the comments, I realllly hope your dentist isn't sucking all the gas herself ;-)

Hang in there honey. xo jj

A Kitchen Witch said...

Still laughing @ your other blog post but, now adding laughter, for this post, on top of laughter from the other post so I guess it's like laughter with a cherry on top. Thanks for all the laughter. Oh, and, I once got a urinary tract infection the same day as my cat. Weird coincidence or my husband found the wrong...well, I'll just leave it @ that! Have a good holiday weekend : )