Thursday, January 21, 2010

I Will Totally Cut A Bitch, Even If She's Imaginary

Captain Carl had a job interview in Houston this week. Houston, y'all. Houston is four hours away from here. We have no interest in living in Houston. Under normal circumstances, the Captain wouldn't have even bothered with the phone interview. But we are not living under normal circumstances, people. It has now been a full year since he was laid off. A full year since we decided to take in renters and live with roommates...something we never thought could happen after buying our own home. A full year since our emotions and psyche and checkbook and egos took a huge hit right in the nards. A full year and still we are struggling.

So when one of few opportunities for an in-person interview comes along, you take it. Even if it means that one of you would have to live four hours away, five days a week for six months if you were actually offered the job. Because a six month contract job is better than no job at all.

So Captain Carl made arrangements to drive to Houston and I spent the night before he left laying in bed worrying. See, I like to create these elaborate and far-fetched stories in my head when I'm stressed out. This particular story involved the Captain getting this job and moving to Houston and becoming increasingly distant from me and the Kiddo back home and then he starts talking a lot about some lady named Shelly that he works with and he's all "Shelly is so funny" and "Shelly loves Indian food just as much as me" and "Shelly told the funniest joke the other day" and then I'm all "Ummm, what does Shelly look like exactly?" and he's all "Why?" and I'm all "I mean, is she ugly?" and he's all "Why are you giving me the 3rd degree? What's the big deal? Don't you trust me?" and then I decide to make a spontaneous trip to Houston to surprise him and blam! guess who's at his apartment when I show up? That bitch Shelly, that's who.

Then I finally fell asleep and the next day I had forgotten completely about my story because I was now too busy worrying about the Captain getting in a car accident on the way to Houston and maybe getting mugged or shanked once he got there. Because I'm a mental patient.

And here's why my crazy story is ridiculous. Captain Carl and I cannot stand being away from each other. I was all "Call me before you leave" and he was all "Okay" and I was all "And call me when you check into your hotel" and he was all "I will" and I was all "And promise to call me after your interview" and he was all "Damn Gina, I promise!". Did I mention that I'm a mental patient? And then it turned out that he forgot his phone charger, so he called quickly after arrival to tell me he wouldn't call me that night. Sob! A whole night without talking. Suck.

But he couldn't do it. He called twice and texted me and then I finally told him I would call his hotel room and we talked for two hours. We're like teenager. Really super awesome and sexy non-awkward teenagers.

This is gonna suck if he gets that job. Shelly better keep her distance. I'm not afraid to cut a bitch.

40 comments:

Heather said...

I would so totally drive all the way to Texas with popcorn and romantic comedies and bromance films just so you could have someone to annoy. I would love you and make you my wifey. Until the Captain came home for the weekend then I'd be all "Pssh I don't even like you that much anyways he paid me to watch you"

Caroline said...

Awwwwwww... May the Captain's brief sojourn in Houston, if Fortuna delights, only serve to stimulate good changes in your lives, and may none of those be named Shelly.

But consider this: In those six months all KINDS of great things could happen! The Captain might stumble into some opportunity closer to home. Why, he could get headhunted by some awesome employer right there in your backyard!

Or who knows? In the spirit of adventure, you could always show up at his apartment in Houston wearing nothing under your parka but some pasties and a toolbelt! Give that bitch Shelly a lesson or two.

I am a week-old reader of your blog who found you through the amazing Steamy, AND I AM ALREADY ADDICTED. I'd Follow you, but I don't know what that means and I am scairt it will result in more lost hours in the damp, exciting streets of MissYvonneville. Help me. O helpme.

Caroline said...

P.S. Shit. Sorry for hijacking your blog. I get so excited by BRILLIANCE. /suckup

tattytiara said...

"Really super awesome and sexy non-awkward teenagers."

Love that line.

Hope everything works out!

Mama Wheaton said...

How do you wish that someone gets a job that they really don't want but really need? I am the same mental case as you though. Give me a crisis or an alarm and I can give you the worst case scenerio.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You are truly funny. Glad you will totally cut a bitch, if you have to. I'm sure you won't. Shelly's probably left Texas by now! Keep us laughing.
Robyn

Chris said...

LOL you are TOO funny! I love that you are from the DFW area. Not sure why but maybe because I'm from there and my folks are still there. In Hurst.
I'm really getting a kick out of following your blog!

Charm City Barfly said...

I feel your pain on the job front. I have been out of work since July and can't even get a phone interview. I have three more months left on my unemployment and I'm freaking out. Hope he gets the contract- even if it is a short one. Money is money.

Vic said...

Shelly better watch her step, is all I'm saying.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he gets that job and that it works out better than you can imagine right now.

Vic said...

Also, Caroline is amazingly articulate for a week-old reader!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I sure hope the job situation works out for you guys.
xo

Jules said...

I hate Shelly. Where does she live? I have time today to go find her.

Just.Kate said...

I hate every single Shelly in this world. Also, Amandas. And Monicas. GAH. GAAHHHHH. This list is making me Hulktastic. I'd better go self medicate with more gin.
And Miss Yvonne, you have taught me the priceless lesson of drunk work days. It doesn't matter that I have to be in the office in 4 hours- I'm calling a Miss Yvonne totally awesome and non-awkward free card, so when my boss is like, "Do you reek of gin?" I'll be like, "Or I rolled around in a juniper bush outside.


...


XD!"

Janine@Shelf Life said...

We'll all take her down.

Moooooog35 said...

You talked for two hours in his hotel room?

Wow.

Shelly must be really really good at keeping quiet.

erin said...

Everyone always steals my jokes. Just pretend like every comment that made you laugh was written by me.

And I'll come live with you for awhile...

But...I'm absolutely positively no fun whatsoever.

Lindsay said...

This might be the single best blog title EVER. Good luck to the Captain in his job search.

I love your blogs - you are amazingly funny. :-)

Tuesday Girl said...

My husband was laid off 2 years ago & I spent 6 months of last year with him making a 6+ hour cmmoute each way on weekends to see me and the kids.
NOW? We are back in same position he just got antoher job 4+ hours away and we miss each other terribly. :(

miss. chief said...

FUCK SHELLY. I HATE HER.

Ed Adams said...

Awwww. You guys are so cute. You remind me of this song from my childhood. It goes:

"Miss Yvonne and Capt Carl* sitting in a tree, T-E-X-T-I-N-G**. First comes something something something something I forget the rest."


*The original version from my childhood didn't say Miss Yvonne and Capt Carl. I changed it. Otherwise, it would have been weird.

**The original said K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but I updated it to reflect the times.

Mrs. Booms said...

Shelly is a dead woman.

I'm on my way with the shank.

diane said...

Think about the sex after being away from each other all week.
I'm sure all "Shelleys" are packing their suitcases and fleeing out of Houston after reading your post, just in case.
Hang in there, moron twin. Seriously, I feel your pain. It sucks to be away from the one you love.

Surfie said...

Yikes, a whole year! I've been out of work since September, and it feels like it's been forever.

Four hours is a loooong drive. Shelly better watch her homewreckin' step.

kate said...

Shelly best watch her back...fo' sho'.

Just think of it this way - if the Captain gets the job and you DO have to spend the weekdays apart, the weekends will HAVE to be chock full of hot, dirty monkey sex to make up for the time spent apart.

Amanda said...

Shelly is nothing but a bitch. I'm sure she's totally ugly, too. Whore.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who HATES being away from her husband. If we're not talking on the phone several times a day, we're texting or chatting. It's pretty sick. Distance will be tough, I'm sure, but the job is for six months and your love is forever.

I can't believe I typed that.

bikramyogachick said...

Shelley is totally a skanky whore!

Soda and Candy said...

Okay, I totally do this too. Well not this specific scenario (that would just be weird) but the whole elaborate worry-story creation. Like, worrying about things that might maybe probably not happen five (or fifteen) years from now. I'm pretty sure this tendency is encoded on the same gene that gives you ovaries, men don't seem to do it.

Tristachio said...

You know what would be funny? If Shelly's name was actually "Trista" and wasn't really from Houston but came on a visit from canada and instead of "Sex in the apartment" it was "Shank to the face and all your stuff stolen and taken to Ecuador". That'd be hillarious. Think about that.

just making my way said...

Aw, you guys are cute. But as someone who knows the astronomical prices hotels charge for phone calls, make sure you do all the calling!

We will totally be all West Side Story on Shelly's ass if need be. You know we got your back!

mossum said...

My husband and I lived 3,000 miles apart (MI/CA) for 4.5 years. We had to fly back and forth and tried to do so every 3 months, at least ($$$). He didn't even do it for a big money job! He was all, "my daughers blah blah blah." Aaaanyway, I just stopped by to tell you the reunions are exciting. Within three months of him moving here I was wishing he'd move away just so we could have summa that nasty-hot athletic sex again!

PS - His first wife's name was Shelly and I would totally cut her if she ever came out of the witness protection program. Hmm...if she lives in Houston now, maybe I won't have to...

Killer Jen said...

My brain and your brain are like twinsies in the sense that we both worry about how our husbands will die when they leave the house for five minutes.
My husband had to go to work at 2:30am the other day for an hour and I was up the whole time trying to keep my breathing to a slow and not heart attack inducing rate.
ain't love grand?

P.T said...

I'm a 'worrier' - if such a word exists - too! I come up with all sorta crazy stories about him cheating on me etc. It all pans out in my head like I'm writing my own movie and very soon I'll direct it too. :(

He is supposed to leave for England soon and I've already started worrying. When I call him and he doesn't pick up, my brain automatically assumes he's had an accident.

It's tiresome! *sighs*

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

I totally feel your pain on the money/job front. It's just sooooo bloody difficult right now. There's nothing out there, is there?

BugginWord said...

Mmm, but if it worked out, you could get a cabana boy during the week! Focus on the positives.

The Housewife said...

I'm laughing out loud, as usual. Just recently, I was concerned about not sounding *smart* enough on my blog, and that I must sound totally ridiculous bitching about chicks, booz, bugs and my kids...but you have shown me the light. We bitches can be smart and educated and still TALK SOME GOOD SHIT.

Amen.

Thanks for showing me the light.

BTW, want me to come over and totally kick this Shelly's ass? Cause I will.

Chris said...

Shelly has no chance. I don't think it's possible Captain Carl could have eyes for anyone but you, even if she does like Indian food.

HappyHourSue said...

I'm such a jealous psycho that this is my husband recounting his day: "So I asked Jeannie - she's like 50 - to tell accounting to have the reports fro Marianne - she's 27 but really overweight - in time for Heather - she just engaged - to file them."

Sarah P said...

Cut a bitch, cut a bitch!

What's probably going to happen, really, is Captain is totes going to get the job, and the new bosses are gonna be all, "You know, you're a class act, Captain. We're going to give you use of the company helicopter, so you can go home and bone your hot wife every night. Oh - and watch out for Shelly, the office whore. She's LOADED with gonorrhea."

Then, when he flies home that night, he'll be like, "There's this chick Shelly who's kind of funny, but in the way that we laugh at her, not with her. And she has a pusy pussy. I'm glad I found you."

(Slightly off-topic: gonorrhea? One "N," two "R"s. Who would have guessed?)

Sandy said...

That would suck if you had to live apart but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Just be watching out for Shelly.

Mae said...

Well, I am officially a stalker that is 99 percent sure we should probably be friends. This is awesome. I will proceed to stay up and read the rest of your amazingness! :)