Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Miss Yvonne Action Figure - Now With Saggy Boobs

So I found my namesake's doll online today. She looks a little crazy, no? She is also no longer in mint condition and comes in vintage retro packaging. Coincidentally, all of those things describe me perfectly. Crazy? Check. Non-Mint condition? Check. Retro packaging? Check aaannnd check. Except my own retro packaging is less cardboard box and more saggy boobs and left foot bunion. Hottttt!

Remember when I was whining about not having any good underwear? Here's where I'm going to whine about not having any good bras. I know, you're so lucky to be reading this right now. It's okay, take a deep breath and calm the fuck down.

Being a *ahem* pleasantly pump girl, I require some heavy duty support. I can't just tra la la skip down to Victoria's Secret and snatch (I said snatch) up a little underwire number. No sir.

Case in point.

Hi, have you met my boobs?

My largely lady lumps require what the female undergarment industry refers to as "extended sizes" or what I refer to as "big titty bras".

Seriously, they refuse to stay in my clothes.

But I want cute, y'all. I refuse to wear the same bra my mother wears.

70 years old and she hasn't tried a different style bra since she was 30.

Yeah. No.

I'm thinking something more like this.

Look! She has a tassel. Sexy and classy.

I want to dance into a room like this after I put it on.

And then I'm going to buy a white chiffon dress and style my hair in a bouffant and probably adopt a puppy small enough to prop in my cleavage and I'll walk around town and people will be all "That lady has a dog between her boobs, but who cares...her tits look amazing!".

What? I don't know. I'm tired. And saggy. This is the best I can do today. Also, your mom's a slut.


Laura said...

Lane Bryant! Their bras can hold up the largest of boulders, and sometimes they come in cute colors. (Emerald green and bright red for Christmas, etc.) Although my mother keeps buying them for me in beige. She says they hide better under shirts, but damn it, I want people to see my sexy black bra.

They also last forever. Unfortunately. I'd like to replace the current batch of beige with something less... old lady, but I'm too frugal to throw away perfectly good bras.

Ed Adams said...

Definitely, the tassel sells it.

Chris said...

oh crap, someone mentioned bras. I don't want to talk about them. I am plump but have small boobs. NO ONE makes bras like that. Because you know, there's no way you can be 44(I'm guessing) around and have a B cup. AND what about extra cups for the extra boobs????!!! You know, the two that show up under your arms when you have a bad bra on. Damn, going to hid e now.

Anonymous said...

See this is why I don't get why little tiny frail girls want to get implants the size of melons. Don't they know the problems of carting around serious boobage let alone finding good fitting bras?

My friend Claire is a G cup (34G she says) Luckily she's in the UK where you can get those sizes easily because either Brits are more boobalicious or else someone just realized a large percentage of ladies do not conform to A, B, C or D only. Over here though you'd need a specialty store.

Hell, I'm a size 36D (and a small D at that) and I have problems half the time finding supportive bras that fit, are comfortable and aren't like something you could sleep twins in.

Anonymous said...

Ok....I'm sending you panties but someone else has to send you bras!

Kurt said...

I was upset at first because I thought I was tricked into reading about bras, but then I remembered "Boobies!" so Thank You. I needed to be reminded of my roots.

AtYourCervix said...

You want nice variety of bigger girl bras? Try this site:

I have bought bras from there before - lots of selection in "big girl" sizes!!

diane said...

This is all just another ploy to buy a puppy, isn't it?

just making my way said...

Victoria's Secret bras are total crap and made for like, 18 year old girls with size B cups.

I think that tassel would bug the shit out of me. Tickling my tummy all day? No thank you.

(Seriously for a moment? Mine are big too - I go to a good lingerie store, get fitted every time and buy two $50 bras that last forever. GET FITTED. It's the best way.)

Moooooog35 said...

It's a little know fact that I'm available for boob support rentals at a cheap hourly rate.

Inquire within.

That's what she said.

Amanda said...

As a woman who worked at Victoria's Secret for awhile, I can say that most of their bras are overpriced pieces of crap -- so you're not missing much.

I was going to finish reading this post, but was distracted by that fucked up Maidenform picture. Are those women wearing exotic animal masks, just bras, and high heels? That's terrifying.

kate said...

You shouldn't feel like you're missing much when it comes to Victoria's Secret bras - the underwire always ends up popping out and stabbing the shit out of my underboob. Yet, for some reason, I keep going back to buy more. They're so pretty! They're so slutty! They're so cleavagey!

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

ZOMG: It's the Lettuce Head Bra Woman Ad!

I'm going to be wondering all day "why does she have a small salad on her head?"

Why? Why?

Heather said...

Walking around in my *cough* 40DDD *cough* bras can be quite uncomfortable if I don't have the proper support. I probably go through a bra a month trying to keep these puppies reigned in.

Megs said...

Sorry, I have a hard time sympathizing.

I can never find sexy bras because I am still in training bra sizes. At 27. TRAINING BRAS.

Charm City Barfly said...

I have D's myself (very large D's) and the best bras that I have found were at Ann Summers. They are like the Fredrick's of the United Kingdom, but their bras are awesome and cheap (compared to VS). They opened a store in NYC and I think their website now ships to the US. Not sure.

Or just go to the UK like I do every year.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Victoria's Secret bras are crap. I think they only fit C cups. My sister and I have both struggled to fit their bras and they just don't work for either of us. I'm normally an A or a B, my sister is normally a D or a DD, and neither of us can find a comfortable, flattering bra at VS.

We are both Nordstrom girls now. And strangely enough, we both have had luck with Wacoal (different models, obvs).

Alison said...

ok, so I'm only a C, you'd think I could find decent cheap bras, but NO. I have to go to the specialty shop and get fitted. (Which is ALWAYS a super-weird experience)

And I want some of those maiden-form masquerade masks! The bird bill! You would totally stab people in the face whilst trying to converse. Or the hippo! and the crocodile! too much fun!

Harna said...

Ah, torpedo tits by Madenform. I hear they're coming back into style.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Don't hate me because I'm a VS girl, okay?

I'm sorry I have no advice for you.


Anonymous said...

Tehehe Snatch, yeaaaa

I have no nice bras either because well I'm poor so I just kinda walk around holdin the ta ta's all day...

I don't really but I still said snatch so whatever

The Peach Tart said...

I'm loving the tassel. You could put Ms Yvonne to shame with your dance moves I'm sure.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I am laughing out loud! I've never seen the Pee Wee Herman clip. Ha!!!!

Can't help you with the bra shopping but if you find out where the tassel one came from please let us know.

I'd say hang in there, but that's really not appropriate with this post ;-)


Woo222 said...

OMG I want a better bra for my girls too. And you are totally right, no one wants to wear anything that looks like their mother's bras. Lane Bryant? Here I come! ~Susan

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Oh my god, I hear ya on the huge titties deal. And mine have been saggy ever since I woke up in 7th grade with double Ds (did yours appear overnight, too?)

And my mom ... she is a AA and I a a size ... big. And she is not helpful. She has always been like, "Oh my goodness, I can see your cleavage!" and I would say, "Yeah, I'm not wearing a turtleneck, so ..." and she would say "I wish I had your problem!" and I would say "No you don't, woman" and about once a month she says "Can't you just share some with me?" and I say "That is not helpful, bitch."

But I am not bitter.