Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Pass The Crab Legs And Irresponsibility, Please

So my company sent out the annual medical and life insurance benefits enrollment email today. Which means I spent exactly 30 seconds reading it before I broke out in a sweat and wailed “Too hard!”.

that’s what she said.

I suck at being an adult. Anything involving bills, paperwork, taxes or medical issues gets handed directly to my husband. I’m all “Here.” and he’s all “What is it?” and I’m all “I don’t know, something from the insurance company.” and he’s all “What does it say?” and I’m all “Something about a deductable and limits and percentages.” and he’s all “This is dated three weeks ago.” and I’m all *blank stare* and he’s all “You’re just now opening it?” and I’m all “Well, I thought you would open it so I left it there for you.” and he’s all “You left it under a bag of Skittles?” and I’m all “What? You love Skittles.” and he’s all “Why didn’t you just open it right away?” and I’m all “Why doesn’t your mom just open it right away?”. Because I’m awesome at grown-up conversations.

I can’t stand thinking about adult stuff. Or talking about it. Or being anywhere near it. I just want to know how much money is in my free checking account every month so I know if I can afford to buy new boots or not. Yes, my checking account is one of the free ones that doesn’t earn any interest, mom. I shouldn’t be given control of any important financial decisions, is what I’m saying here. Not because I’ll do stupid things. Because I won’t do anything at all. I’ll set the matter aside because ohmygodscary and then promptly forget about it until it’s almost too late.

I’m pretty sure I have a 401k left over from my last job somewhere. I can’t remember the name of the place where it’s at. I don’t know how much is in it. The Captain keeps asking me about it and my response every time is “Oh yeah, we need to figure out what to do with that…maybe, ummm, roll it over?”. I have no idea what “roll it over” means. I think I heard my sister say it once when she was talking about my IRA that I haven't looked at in 7 years.

I refuse to go into my bank and talk to a real person because they always ask me why I haven’t switched to an interest earning checking account and I get tired of explaining how I tried to do it online but I got super confused by the options and my husband is a big meany so he won’t help me because “you need to learn how to do these things for yourself, Marcy”.

The only time I’ve looked at our mortgage paperwork was when we went in to sign everything and they were all “sign here” 50 billion times. The Captain, who is totally awesome at this kind of shit (thank God), took care of everything. I probably set back women’s rights about 80 years when I told him “whatever you think is best, I don’t understand it”. All I know is that I have to click on the little “pay now” button on the bank website every month when the mortgage payment is due.

I’m barely qualified to program our DVR, people. No way should I be in charge of anything as important as my financial future. You should have seen me on the night my husband decided to sit me down and work on a 5 year financial plan. He was all “Let’s make a list of goals” and I was all “Great idea. I think we should have sex on a beach some day, don’t you?” and he was all “I mean financial goals.” and I was all “Oh, right. Hey, who wants a soda? I know I do! Boy am I thirsty!” and he was all “Okay, so I was thinking for next year we should…” and I’m all “OMG you know what would be soooo good right now? Crab legs!” and he’s all “Come on, focus.” and I’m all “I could totally run a train on some crab legs.” and he was all “So basically if we transpond these numbers from your paycheck into the logistical payroll calculationer …” and I’m all *eyes rolling back into head* “I’m dead…I’m dying…it’s too boring…I’m dead from boredom.”

The thing is, I was better at all this when I was single. Granted, my life was much less complicated and I had absolutely no assets so that’s probably why. But still. I managed to have both a checking and a savings account, along with a good understanding of my medical and life insurance benefits. Then I got married and inherited two children. Things got complicated and harder. How much life insurance is enough for teenagers? Should we max out our dental insurance this year? Maybe we need to re-evaluate where our 401k investments are going? Should we enroll in the flex account? What the fuck is a flex account???

Jesus, just writing about all that makes my armpits sweaty. I hate this shit. I just want someone else to do it for me so I can go play with my new kittens.

Did I mention that my old lady cat is probably dying, which is totally not fair because I just put my other old cat to sleep in July, but the Captain got me two kittens to make me feel better? I didn’t? Oh...well he totally did and they are cute and adorable and fluffy and boom! I just totally distracted you from all that adult shit up there.

I’m a genius at being irresponsible.

p.s. the kitten story is true. I’ll have more on that later….
p.p.s. Do I know how to keep people coming back for more or what? I'm like the Walt Disney of blogging.


Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I am SO the same way about all the icky "adult" stuff! Except for, you know, the ADULT adult stuff. As in XXX. Now THAT I can handle. :)

PS - Craaaaaab leeeeegs ..... *drool*

Jen O. said...

I just had to throw up in my office trash can because grown up stuff makes me feel icky.

The Jules said...

I like to combine the two aspects of fiscal responsibility and stuff that I actually like to do.

How much is it to have sex on the beach?

Eva Gallant said...

I'm the grown up about money in our household. Although, hubby does do a lot of the things like insurance. But I totally am in charge of my 401k. And he admits we would have no savings if he were in charge.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I'm right there with you sister. If I can just be home bake and clean and NEVER have to see a bill, insurance, 401k, etc paperwork I'll be a happy woman. I have no interest in financial things and I rather go to the dentist for a root canal than go to a bank.

Totally digging crab legs

Anonymous said...

*fistbump* We can grow old and ignore the adult mail together.

And sorry about your old cat. That sucks.

Eva said...

If they wouldn't make everything so damned complicated these days with all the fine print, it would be a bit easier.

You'll have to post pictures of the new kitties! Maybe you can train them to do paperwork and such. They kind of almost have opposable thumbs.

Marty said...

omfg, I have HAD those conversations with my mother.

"why don't you set up auto bill pay?"

"because it freaks me out to have my checking account doing stuff. oh, and I never have any money in there anyways because, despite going to college, all I've managed to aspire to is half a hair above minimum wage. hope you don't mind me living in your basement forever!"

I'm so awesome, I suck at being an adult on EVERY level. maybe I should go get a new kitten.....

A Kitchen Witch said...

sometimes I want to crawl into a hidey-hole. I hate it, too, and it just keeps coming at you. And all the crooked companies and internet hackers don't make things any easier. I like to put these things on the back burner, but then I witnessed my best friend become a widow, unexpectedly, and I went into crazy mode like "call every policy we own and do we have enough coverage and who will keep the kids and ohmagahd I hate being a grown up."

SherilinR said...

i'm on that very same page. i broke out in hives just reading your post. making decisions about such shit is enough to make me wish for a nice, irresponsible mental institution for a vacation. that might convince anyone who's concerned that i'm not the woman for the job.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

I'm like this too.

It wasn't really very handy when I was filing for divorce. Turns out- that's kinda the last place you want to rely on your spouse for paperwork advice.

Mrs BC said...

When I was single, I had a sock full of cash. Now...ignorance is bliss.

I like crab legs!


nova said...

Three things:

1. I can't read an entire letter from the bank/credit card company/student loan agency. I JUST CAN NOT GET THROUGH IT. It's physically impossible.

2. I want to hear more about the kittens.

3. I knew this would be a good blog post when it showed up in my reader because of the title. And then it was on your blog so I was right! I wish money stuff was as easy as blogging predictions.

Karen said...

You are me! (Well, a younger, cuter and funnier version, anyway.)

Please tell us about the baby kittehs and pictures, pretty please! :)


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, for real. When I first moved to the US that was how I was all the time. It was like people were suddenly talking Swahili to me. WHAT THE HELL IS A COPAY? What's a 401K? I HAVE TO DO MY OWN TAXES, are you SURE? What sort of backwoods hicksville IS THIS?

See I come from a country of free health care where you never have to deal with insurance and our employers always did our taxes for us, you don't have to file your OWN taxes, that's ludicrous. All I knew is that come tax time you'd find a rebate check in the mail or you don't. You never OWE tax. You're either dead on or they owe you.

The first time I did my own taxes in the States it took me FOUR EFFING DAYS and I cried and drank gin. Every form lead to another form then to another. And I didn't understand the FIRST one. Jesus. It's no wonder people drink. And don't get me started on my old boss when he expected me to take care of all his medical insurance paperwork. He might as well have greased up an ostrich, tied my hands behind my back and told me to catch the fucker.

So I totally sympathize. :)

Jaclyn said...

The mistake most people make when trying to get their 401k to roll over is that they don't use positive reinforcement. Like, you can't smack it on the nose with a newspaper just because it didn't roll over the first time you asked. It isn't like it shit on the floor or something. Try treats and praise. Worked with my 401k.

Logical Libby said...

I would be better at bills and stuff if I got a reward. I mean, other than a house and running water and stuff. I mean like a pony.

Ed said...

For months now, you have reminded me of Clara from the web series The Guild.

This post seals the deal. You two are basically one in the same.

Joanna Jenkins said...

And that is exactly why I married an accountant. He takes care of all that crap. Thank god. All I have to do is remember where I put the key to the safety deposit box.... which, at the moment, is a problem. I gotta go look for that damn key.

So sad about your Old Lady Cat :-(

xoxoxo jj

Gia said...

Yeah, I totally get what you mean about the adult thing. I tried to get Boyfriend to read my 3 page lease to tell me whether or not I could break it. He was not so amused.

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