Friday, November 4, 2011

Hungry Like The Middle Aged Couple Two Rows In Front Of Us Making Out Inappropriately

This just in: I suck at blogging. Every day I have plans to blog something super awesome and hilarious and then I get to work and I’m all type type type blech. I think my job is sucking my will to live. And then I go home and I’m all “I am totally writing 3 blog posts tonight” and then I look at my cat and she’s all “We both know you aren’t blogging tonight” all judgy-like and so I just give up and sit on the couch for 4 hours and then go to bed.

But today. Today! I. Am. Blogging.

You’re welcome.

All that up there was me trying to explain to you why I’m about to tell you a story about going to a Duran Duran concert three weeks ago.

So I went to a Duran Duran concert three weeks ago. Courtesy of my new best friend in the whole wide world, Kristine at Wait In The Van. Are you reading Kristine’s blog? Ohmygod, what a stupid question because OF COURSE YOU ARE.

Kristine invited me to go with her to the concert, despite all the creepy stalker comments I’ve left on her blog. So of course I said yes. And then left her a comment about shovels and burying bodies or something. I can't remember exactly, but you know...just trying to show her how funny and totally not murder-y I'm going to be when we meet up in person finally.

We decided to meet in front of the venue (how fancy am I? Venue. Ooo la la) and I got there a little early so I spent my extra time checking out everyone walking into the building. Y'all. So many cougars. Mostly my age and older. Many inexplicably wearing halter tops with back fat hanging out of them.

Then Kristine texted me that she was there and I got all nervous because ohmygodwhatifshe’scoolerthanmeandthinksI’msuperlame? But of course, that didn’t happen. We were immediately bff’s despite my first sentence being “OMG when did you graduate from high school?”. I don’t know. I do things like that sometimes.

So the concert starts and Duran Duran comes out and they look surprisingly well preserved. Simon is wearing tennis shoes, which was weird but whatever. The music was pretty good (the old stuff, not the new stuff. I have no interest in anything this band produced after 1993) and Kristine and I are dancing around and sweating like crazy and having a grand old time.

See? She's totally not scared of me and that is totally not a fake smile.

So there we are…jamming out to The Reflex, when we see them. They are two rows in front of us and we have a clear view of them. A couple, maybe in their late 40’s…hard to tell from where we were, but definitely older than us. And definitely too old to be aggressively making out at a Duran Duran concert. But yet there they were, all over each other. She in her one-shouldered tank top and khaki capri pants. He with his balding gray hair and air guitar moves. Groping and slipping each other the tongue in between yelling out lyrics and gyrating against each other.

It was horrifying.

We could not stop watching.

And it only got worse as the concert wore on. He’s kissing her neck. He’s grinding his hips into her butt. He’s grabbing her boobs from behind.

Dear Duran Duran Gods….please for the love of the 80’s, make it stop.

And then the concert was over…except it wasn’t. Because of course there was an encore. And it was one of their old ones and it was so great. And Simon had whipped the crowd into a frenzy of old memories and sad regrets. And the couple were all over each other. I think Kristine threw up in her mouth a little.

And then the concert was really over. The drummer threw his sticks into the crowd and 40 year old women fought over them like they probably did when they were 18. The gropey couple disappeared and Kristine and I left. It was 11 pm and we were both exhausted. What? It was a Thursday night. We’re old. Shut up.

Luckily, I took the next day off from work so I was able to sleep in until 9am. Unfortunately for Kristine, young children never take a day off. So when I got out of bed Friday morning, I knew she had probably already been up several hours. And being the new caring best friend that I am, I sent her a text.

Me: Hey remember that one time that we went to a concert together and then I took the next day off and slept in but you still had to get up early to take care of your kids? Yeah, that was great.
Her: Am. So. Fucking. Tired. And I hate you.

p.s. I wrote about Rick Perry being super excited about maple syrup and totally not drunk over at Sprocket Ink today. Click here to check it out.


Anonymous said...

That whole first part of your post about work sucking out your will to write and then coming home and crashing with the cat instead of blogging? Minus the cat, yes times a million. At least you can talk to the cat. I have a tree.

Second, I would have cut a bitch to grab those sticks thrown into the audience, only because I would have used them to beat that disgusting couple senseless. Twice.

Sarah said...

I'm probably still young enough to grind in public but I can't do it for two reasons: boyfriend would be against these activities; most of my favorite bands are lazy and never tour anywhere except Europe once in a while. I guess Europe is classier than the North East US. So what I'm saying is that you two are cooler than a 20-something. You're welcome.

Eva said...

I was on an airplane recently and the old couple next to me was making out the whole time. It was gross. When I got a better look at them, I realized they were my age. Depressing.

I'm glad you're blogging today!

Eva Gallant said...

Sounds like you guys had a good time...but remember you, too, may be old and inappropriate someday!

Vinny C said...

The high school question is genius! If you ask me, establishing a historical timeline is an excellent way begin any relationship.

Mrs BC said...

I'm so glad you are back because I've been worried about you. Now that I know you have been home hugging your cat or watching old people make out in public, it's all good.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Oh Yvonne, these posts are why I love you so. Also, that first paragraph sums up my entire blogging life. You win :-)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Have I mentioned I love Duran Duran? I'm glad you guys had a good time. I'm not jealous though. I keep pretty busy here. Busy busy busy.

*sits in dark closet, all alone, photoshopping self into the photo right between Kristine and Miss Yvonne, sings quietly to self...We are the threeee best friends that anyone ever had, the threeeee best friends that anyone ever had...*

diane said...

That is too hilarious for words.....but somehow you found words.....after 3 weeks.
Old couples should be given handbooks on appropriate public displays, like the handholding that makes you say "awww that's so cute, I can't wait to be old too". The rest of us should all be given stun guns to shock the inappropriate old couples back into acceptable behavior. What? I haven't had my coffee yet, don't be judge-y.

my word ver. is farki. (don't know why that's funny, but try saying it 3 times in a row)

Fragrant Liar said...

I am totally going to be old and inappropriate in public, and I'm betting you will too, so GET USED TO IT!

Ed said...

All I remember of Duran Duran was my older sister being totally in love with them and they had a song in one of the James Bond movies.

I figured they were all dead by now.

Jessica B said...

that sounds freaking awesome. i feel a little jealous.

Marilyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karen said...

Ok, so I'm 45 and by no means do I feel, think or look old...however, I would so NOT do that in public (unless I was stoned maybe...jk).

A couple years ago I had the pleasure of sitting next to such a couple at the DMB concert. BUT, she was wearing a bikini bathing suit under a mini sundress. SO, the guy removed her bikini top AND bottom from under the dress and they pretty much got it on about two inches from my body.

In fact, I think they may have been copping feels on me during their interlude. It was very awkward and it ruined my whole DMB concert experience...something I look forward to all year.

I'm as far from a prude as you can get (I read your blog, right?), but there's a time and place for everything, people!

P.S. So glad to see new posts...We missed you!

Joanna Jenkins said...

"It was horrifying. We could not stop watching."

You always crack me up. Glad you and your new BFF had a blast.

xo jj

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