Have you ever looked back at a moment in your life after you've discovered new information and realized what you thought was going on really was something else? Whoa, I feel totally smart after reading that question back to myself. That's some well written shit, huh? I'm like some kind of sentence genius or something.
I had one of those moments not too long ago. Captain Carl and I have these friends that we used to hang out with all the time. Let's call them Lucy and Ricky. We become friends with this couple a few years ago when we figured out both of the husbands were computer nerds and both of the wives were photography nerds. We spent almost every weekend together. We'd cook, drink and play dominoes or trivial pursuit, taking turns hosting at our homes.
Lucy and I became very close friends separate from our husbands too. We took photography classes together, we went shopping and had lunch, we even had a business together for a short period of time. Lucy was very sweet to me....she never let me pay for lunch and she always volunteered to drive. But then things got a little weird with Lucy. She started getting upset with Captain Carl if he ever said anything to me that she thought wasn't nice. The Captain and I joke around a lot...we are mean to each other, but it's all in fun. Lucy knew this about us and she and Ricky are the same way. But she started telling me that he wasn't good enough for me, that he didn't treat me with respect and that I deserved better.
We started hanging out less and less with Ricky and Lucy and eventually our every weekend get-togethers turned into once every other month get-togethers. The Captain just blew it off when I told him the things Lucy said to me, saying not to worry about it because she has never liked him. That was news to me, so I asked him why.
The Captain: If I tell you, you have to promise not to say anything to Lucy.
Me: I promise!
The Captain: You also have to promise that you won't act weird around her.
Me: Why would I act weird?
The Captain: Because I know you and trust me, you'll want to act weird.
Me: Your mom acts weird.
The Captain: I don't think I should tell you.
Me: Don't make me cut you.
The Captain: I promised Ricky I wouldn't tell you.
Me: That's it, where's my shank?
The Captain: Okay, just promise.
Me: I already did!!
The Captain: Again!
Me: Bitch, I promise. Give it.
The Captain: Lucy has a crush on you.
The Captain: Okay, you can't make that face the next time you see her.
Me: What face?
The Captain: That pinchy face.
Me: I'm not pinchy. That's my thinking face.
The Captain: You are totally freaked out right now, aren't you?
The Captain: You suck at lying.
Me: She told Ricky that she has a crush on me?
The Captain: Yeah, she told him she'd like to....
Me: Wait! Don't tell me what she'd like to do!
The Captain: *grinning* Okay, I'll just think about it then. *eyebrow waggle*
Me: What are you, 15 years old?
The Captain: I'm forever young, baby.
Me: Didn't Debbie Gibson sing a song about that?
The Captain: Huh?
Me: Oh wait, that was Electric Youth.
The Captain: *blink*
Me: So what does Ricky think of Lucy's crush?
The Captain: He thinks what I think....
Me: And that is???
The Captain: Our wives are gonna have hot lesbian sex!!
The Captain: What?
Me: This explains why she kept playing "I Kissed A Girl" over and over in the car last week.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago