Thursday, April 15, 2010

Carpal Tunnel Here I Come

So I haven't been blogging. Because I'm super important and very busy at my new job. And also because I have to limit my typing on account of all the carpal tunnel I'm developing at the office.

See, the problem is my chair. Best I can tell, it's been around since bell bottoms were in style the first time. The arms are all scratched up and the seat is basically a piece of wood covered in something that probably once resembled some kind of fabric. My left butt cheek is completely numb by the time 5pm rolls around each day. One of the wheels falls off. A lot. I will be rolling one way or the other and suddenly I've got a gangsta lean and my wheel has shot across the room and into the next cubicle and the guy that sits there picks it up and is all "Lose something??" and I'm all "Hahahaa that was just as funny as the last six times you said it, Greg!" and he's all "Ahhhahhaaa, I'm hilarious right?" and I'm all "Hey Greg, adouchebagsayswhat?" and he's all "What?" and I'm all "Exactly. Now give me my goddamn wheel."

But the worst part about this chair? The height adjustment lever is broken, leaving me sitting dangerously close to the floor and typing with my elbows up by my ears. I'm pretty sure this is a direct OSHA violation. I shouldn't have to look up at a 90 degree angle to see my computer screen. And I'm pretty sure my mouth is not supposed to be at the same level as my desktop.

Dudes, seriously. This company is small, but they build expensive things. I have a Windows 7 Professional computer with a screen as large as my Taurus windshield. It's weird that I can't get a new $40 office chair. Our office is located in an upscale neighborhood where Dallas Cowboys football players live, but there are no tape dispensers or black pens anywhere in the place. We have security cameras and a glass and marble reception area with black metal folding chairs for our vendors to sit on while they wait (on camera) for their meetings.

Oh, and we can't wear jeans on Fridays and I'm not allowed to leave at the end of the day if anyone else is walking out already. I have to wait a few minutes so that I don't seem "too eager to go home". For reals, yo.

These bitches better keep up with the free Diet cokes or I am so out of there.

23 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

At least it isn't like the chair I had in my first big office job in NYC, the one that had a mind all of its own and the same chair which, when I tried to adjust it to make it higher, just as some higher up important bastards were walking by, decided to take the opposite route and I ended up being introduced to some important dude, while I was sitting on the floor with my knees against my ears pretending like nothing was amiss and I was just an oompa loompa or something not very tall.

And no, sitting with my knees by my ears is NOT my usual position, don't even go there, madam.

I just got Windows 7 prof. myself. It's so.....BLUE! :)

Ed said...

Steal the boss's chair. Bet you get a new one then.

Kurt said...

Gangsta leans are a sure way to build respect, Yo. Now when you shoot them with your finger-pistol turn it sideways like your gonna put a cap in their ass.

I'm all about tips on respect.

Except for to your mom. I tip her when I disrespect her.

Jules said...

I think you should make a rap to do whenever you do your gangsta lean....

AND WTF?! You have to avoid walking out together? I think my students should do that too. They look too eager to leave school.

Sarah P said...

Take the hint, Miss Yvonne. Obviously, you're supposed to stand. you don't want to look too comfortable doing your work.

Kim said...

Do they keep the temp just a little too cold, to keep you alert?

Can they see you through the security camera at your new desk? Imagine how hard they laugh every time you lose a wheel.

Moooooog35 said...

Not to mention all the chafing you get from the shackles and metal chastity belt.

Oh..wait. That's MY employee.

Nevermind.

Lindsay said...

I nearly spit out my coffee with the "adouchebagsayswhat?"

Marie said...

I have a broken chair that lowers itself if you lean back to far. And the plastic mat for my chair to roll on has holes in it so I feel ya. However, I know people will leave my desk alone since no one wants to sit in the broke chair, cloud meet silver lining?? No me neither.

Logical Libby said...

I try not to think about the age of the chairs in my office. Or what might be living in the seat cushions.

Great, now I have to go brillo my butt.

kate said...

F-f-free Diet Coke?? Will the hire me?

We don't get to wear jeans on Friday, either...I think that's total bullshit. My boss gets to wear scrubs every day and I have to wear pantyhose?!? Stupid doctors and their comfy pants.

Chris said...

Bosses are so stupid when it comes to math, sometimes. There is no way it's cheaper not to buy you a new chair, but I guess then everyone would want to be able to sit in a productive and comfortable fashion.

DevilsHeaven said...

Um, yeah I think you should put in a purchase order for a chair. Or you'll be paying for doctor visits to relign your spine.

Just.Kate said...

Oof. Doncha hate it when shiny new jobs transition into being shitty old jobs way too quickly?

just making my way said...

I was feeling really bad for you until the mention of free Diet Coke.
Now I think you should hush up about your lousy chair.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I found my last 2 office chairs when I was out shopping. The first one I paid a dollar for at the Salvation Army and the one I'm sitting on now was free. Keep your eyes out!

You could always bring a chair from home to sit in... Like a Lazy Boy! Ha ha ha!!

Hugs!!

mossum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mossum said...

Working is highly overrated. Not the getting paid part, just the working part.

mossum said...

Don't you hate how Blogger shows a "this post has been removed" thing when you fuck up and have to delete and type your comment over again cuz you don't want everyone to see your typo cuz they'll think you're a dolt but then they know you're a dolt onaccount that mysterious post you clearly removed just the minute before you posted the correct one?

Twisted Susan said...

You totally make me nervous when you write about your job.

Roxanne-and-Lorraine said...

When I started my (sort of)temp job, they put me in a lonely, dusty cubicle where my only office supply was a rusty pair of scissors. I did not ask what happened to the *last person using the cube.

I've had to scrounge up some supplies the old fashioned way (stealing) and also, I've bought a few things and smuggled them in. Not that bringing in things is illegal, but I'm embarressed easily.

I'm not saying you should buy your own chair and smuggle it it, but I *am saying you should... buy your own chair and uh, smuggle it in.

Think about it.

Lorraine.

Carolyn...Online said...

If it's a gansta they want then it's a gansta they should get. Neon under the chair. That's all I'm saying.

Nej said...

I had that chair....how did you end up with it?

Funny you mention leaving at the same time....on Friday last week, we all happened to walk out the door at the same time. Usually doesn't happen. Anyway, our parking lot is covered in this blacktop that squeaks when you turn your wheel....no matter the weather.

10 vehicles, all of us with tires squealing on the blacktop...at 5:00 pm. Your boss would have died. :-)