Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm Totally Doggie Stylin' Over Here, Yo

Okay I admit it. I'm just trying to get people over here to my blog with this title. Because I've turned into a comment whore and I just won't be happy until I get at least 20 of them. And if being a comment whore is wrong, I don't wanna be right, baby.

So the Captain is taking the Kiddo to see family in Oklahoma this weekend. I am staying behind because no way am I leaving the renters alone in our house for two days. So at first I was excited at the prospect of a whole weekend to myself. I can do whatever I want....I can drink a whole bottle of wine and eat popcorn for dinner. I can watch nothing but chick flicks and Ghost Hunters and true crime shows on tv. I can spend the whole day shopping at antique and discount stores. I won't have to clean up after two messy men for two days straight!

But then I realized something...I can do all those things whenever I want. The Captain is forever encouraging me to "go do something fun for yourself" and telling me to "not worry so much about cleaning up all the time". If I tell him I'm going out for the day because I really need a break, he will give me a kiss and a pat on the ass and will say "Have a great time, darlin".

He really does call me darlin....I love that. Nobody says darlin where I'm from in Minnesota. It's straight out of a romance novel set on a horse ranch in the south about a strong willed and beautiful girl who's been burned by a lover from her past and a dark and brooding cowboy with a heart of gold.

I'm totally going to write that book. I think I'll call it "Your Mom Likes It Doggie Style" because the title will grab your attention and then when you read it you'll be all "Hey, there is no doggie style in this book" at first but then you'll realize how amazing the story is and what a brilliant writer I am so then you'll call your best friend and be all "Judy you have to read this book" and then Judy will be all "No thanks, I don't like dogs" and wow I really feel sorry for Judy.

I have two points here. The first is that I am ridiculously attractive and good in bed. The second is that I forget sometimes how lucky I am to be married to the Captain. Before we met, I spent two full years physically and mentally alone. After being dumped by the huge turd that is my ex, I deliberately avoided dating. When I was at my worst, I could go the whole weekend without speaking to another human being. Even at my best, I managed to spend some time with girlfriends but never with a man. I was scared of being taken advantage of, scared that I wasn't strong enough to see that whoever I might date next was a huge douche.

I finally decided to come out of my shell after I moved to Texas and decided it was time to date and have sex because hello, have you ever gone two straight years without it? Yeah, don't do it. That was a dumb thing to do.

When I got back in the game, the first and last person I dated was the Captain. There was no need to look further after I met way could I find someone more perfect for me. Soon I'll blog about how we met and how our first few dates's a great story, at least it is to me and hey this is my blog so suck it if you don't want to read about it. But let me just say for now that I had two years to eat popcorn for dinner and watch chick flicks and shop all by myself. There's nothing wrong with it, but that's not my life anymore. And yes, me and my vibrator will have a good time by ourselves on Saturday, but by Sunday afternoon I will be missing my boys and waiting anxiously for them to come home. And probably by Monday night I'll be pissed off because can't you two go one whole day without leaving garbage and socks everywhere?

Yeah, I'm a little high strung. I'm working on it, so shut up.


Betsey Booms said...

Yeah, drinking wine and eating popcorn for dinner is kind of overrated.

I think that every time they are driving me nuts.

I think that a lot.

No really.

A. Lot.

My word verification is heallyo.

I'm not sure. Is this Heally Yo!

Or like Ohhhhh heeeaaaall yo.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Trust me, comment whore to comment whore, it's a slippery slope. First you want twenty, and when you get twenty, it's just not good enough anymore. Then you want 30, then 50, then 1000.

I've been there, man. It's a dark, dark place.

Kurt said...

Another world class usage of "Your Mom"! The hits just keep on coming!

rachie! said...

So we're up to 4 comments, glad I could help!
I think you're a good writer, too, just a good writer who says totally and awesome and fuck a lot, which I would do except my mother in law might someday find my blog. So yeah, I act like I don't say those words and like I'm smart. Gotta keep her fooled, she's my kid's college fund. Just kidding.

Traceytreasure said...

I'm leaving a comment. Hell, I might leave 10. Will that still fill your need for 20 if 10 of them are from me?

Traceytreasure said...

Just remember all the teenaged drama recently. The time will go by fast!

Word Verif: gandemon
gan demon....just sayin'

Traceytreasure said...

I want more posts about Eco Nazi and Koolaid.
Is her hair still blue?

Traceytreasure said...

word verif: haphipe


Traceytreasure said...

You know, I had to come right over when I saw the title of this post!
I have to do other things now. I'll see you again soon! Can't wait to read about your first few dates!


Traceytreasure said...

One more makes 10 total.
Besides, I've given you more hugs today than I've given hubby. That's just not right!


Mona Lott said...

I'm totally looking forward to this story of budding love. Please don't tell anyone.

(Nice to meet you:)

Cassie said...

I am a sucker for a good love story so I'm excited to hear how you guys got together. I would totally buy a book with that title just to put on my bookshelf. I might even use it as a coffee table book when having company over as a way to gauge their sense of humor and/or general creepiness level. Like a personality test.

Vic said...

I'm kind of half in love with Captain Carl myself now. I'll behave though, don't worry.

Please tell us the story!

Dana's Brain said...

Came here through Monster Apathy and I am also a total comment whore so I understand your needs.

You - are very funny. I can't wait to read more of your doggie stylin'!!

Prosy said...

HAHA- I love the 'poor Judy' part, cause she doesn't like dogs, cause she doesn't get that its about sex...and I felt the need to break that joke down into its simplest most basic form until it wasn't funny. Sorry.

Wendy said...

What kind of dog?

blue said...

Well, I came here ONLY because of the title, which I saw on someone else`s blog, so . . . good job! I`m a tad disappointed there wasn`t anything dirty here though. ;)

Also, the whole popcorn for dinner thing? There are days when I LONG for those solitary nights, usually after being woken up at 3 am by the 3 year old, 4 am by the 2 year old and then both of them at 5 am and dealing with tantrums all day long because they`re overtired and refuse to nap.

Houston said...

OK, so you are at 17 comments so I need to put you over the top.

Because I am your bud and all.

Houston said...

I completely dig what you are saying about The Captain. THE WIFE is perfect for me. She is the peanut butter in my pizza.


Houston said...

OK, 20, so you are welcome.

now, stop talking about your vibrator willya?

Lana said...

i'm forced to admit my raging envy at your 20 comments, but they are well earned. i've visited your blog a few times and now i'm officially emerging out of the darkness to comment in hopes that i can someday be as funny as you and get more than my all-time max of 4 comments.