Friday, March 13, 2009

You Say Shinnecock Like It's A Bad Thing

Without giving too much away, I work somewhere that has a lot to do with towns and streets and houses. Okay you got me, I'm a chimney sweep. Don't tell anyone, alright? The local chimney sweep union #489 is this close to striking and if my union rep knew I was telling people that chimney sweeps still exist somewhere besides London in Mary Poppinsland, I would totally lose my job and the economy is really bad people so please don't be a douche bag and tell on me.

Anyway, we have this database with all the addresses of the homes with chimneys that we service (that's what she said). I was browsing through it today because I do my all my non-sweeping related work on Friday's and I found some interesting street names that I swear are all real and do exist.

Streets I Would Not Want To Live On
  1. Beaverwood Lane - I'm pretty sure the guy who named this street still hangs out with his old high school buddies at the local VFW and snaps the waitresses bra straps when they bring him his Old Milwaukee and scratch offs every Thursday night.
  2. Shinnecock Court - How embarrassing would it be to live on this street and every time they ask you to verify your address at the pharmacy, the fat kid behind the counter giggles? Very, that's how.
  3. Cripple Creek Drive - Maybe it's just me, but it seems really mean to name a drive after a handicapped body of water. Like it can really help that it has to use a wheelchair, assholes.
  4. Door Bell Drive - Seriously? So your job is to name streets and the best you can come up with is Door Bell? Is the next street over named Ding Dong? Heh heh, I said dong.
  5. Sugarbush Trail - This is one of those names dirty old men in the south call their waitresses. "Hey sugarbush, why don't you sashay on over here and bring me another cup of coffee and a piece of that pecan pie?"

Streets I Wish I Lived On

  1. Dragons Fire Place - Dudes...NO ONE would mess with you if you lived on this street because they know you would seriously fuck their shit up if they did. Plus it totally sounds like an internet fantasy game set in the middle-ages where everyone is a wench or a maiden or a knight and your character can totally have hot pretend internet sex with the other dorks playing online.
  2. Cozy Terrace Lane - Come on by my cottage on Cozy Terrace Lane and we'll have a nice cup of hot cocoa and sit by the fire under warm fuzzy blankets while Meemaw makes us some homemade chicken noodle soup in the brick oven kitchen. Ahhhhh....
  3. Crumbcake Drive -Cake is pretty much my favorite word ever. Say it a few times right now to yourself. Go ahead, I'll wait.......Okay, is that not totally delicious?? Don't you feel all warm and gooey and chocolaty right now? I would be forever happy if I lived on a street named Crumbcake. People would ask me "Where do you live?" and I'd be all "Crumbcake Drive" and then they'd be all "Holy shit, I just had a tiny orgasm just hearing the name of your street" and I'd be all "I know and you're welcome".

P.S. I'm not really a chimney sweep. I'm actually a ninja. But ninjas totally need unions to take care of all their ninja-business and we also need to know street names because all that sneaking up and nunchucking won't get done on it's own, people.


Kurt said...

I would buy all the land at 69 Beaverwood Lane and just go stand in the empty lot until I giggled myself to death. That's like a Viking funeral for a guy like me.

Lulu said...

How about the intersection of Dragon's Fire Lane and Cozy Terrace where Meemaw has icky internet sex with the 14 year old dork next door.....Cougar Lane? Skanky Way?

Ummm. Unless you really have a Meemaw. Then I'm sure that it's cool hot mature lady street...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Post highlights:
3) That's What She Said reference, but totally nonsensical, which rules.
2) "Very, that's how." I'm stealing that, fyi.
1) Cripple Creek. You're right, that's an asshole move. But the term is "Uses a wheelchair". Uses a Wheelchair Creek Drive. There, that's better.

Funny, funny, funny. But, I've been drinking, so who knows really.

Traceytreasure said...

I looked in my phone book to see if we had any cool streets. I only found:

Double D Drive
Peak View Way (Peek View = better!)
Cumberwood!! Hehehehe!!

Sorry, no Dicklick Springs or anything cool.
Street names are way cooler in TX!


Betsey Booms said...

It's kind of early and I'm kind of hung over.

My kid keeps coming over and randomly rubbing his belly on my hand.

And I live on a street that is another name for K9 boner. Nice.

Wait is a fox a k9? I'm not sure.