Thursday, June 3, 2010

Facebook: Bringing A New Level Of Awkward

Remember when I blogged about how texting has replaced note passing for teenagers? I should have also mentioned facebook in that post, because I forgot how it’s pretty much an extension of a teenager’s text life. My boy’s girlfriend, Bunny, friend requested me (or however you crazy kids say that) on facebook back when they were first dating. I was shocked, I was awed, I was gleefully rubbing my hands together. Because hello? you just gave me access to everything you write on my son’s page. Color me excited!

I’ve managed to refrain from blogging about all cutesy little things she’s written about the Kiddo despite my urge to do so. Especially the “you’re so sexy” ones and the ones that said things like “last night was amazing, I am soooo in love” because gross. Until now. Because last night Bunny passed right by cutesy and went straight into “things you write that your boyfriend’s parents should never ever read”. Now, I won’t quote everything she said because I’m not a total douchebag. But I am a sort of douchebag, so here’s the gist.

Bunny > Kiddo: I don’t care who reads this, everything about you is my love. You are the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I brush my hair, the reason I wear perfume. I will always love you no matter what, you’re the one.

Believe me, ya’ll. It went on and on and on and on to the point that I started to feel really uncomfortable and guilty, like I was reading Bunny’s diary. Seriously...the reason she brushes her hair??? It was hard to believe she was referring to my boy, who still has to be reminded to not wear the same socks and underwear that he wore the day before. Because that boy? So not ready to be loved like that. He’s just not what you’d call “mature” or “adult” or “not a tool” yet. He needs a couple or 10 years to be worthy of that kind of romantic devotion. I thought about clicking the “like” button and then leaving a comment like “Awww, I’m glad you like my baby boy. It’s too bad he only brushes his teeth a couple times a week, huh?” But I didn’t because I have amazing self-control. And because I’d prefer my son to be talking to me when he graduates this weekend.

There is just nothing like teenage love, eh? So sweet, so incredibly stupid. I want to grab Bunny by the shoulders and give her a good, healthy shake and tell her that, as awesome as the Kiddo is, he is probably not “the one”. Because I happen to know he’s planning on breaking up with her on Monday so that he can be “free for my last summer before college” which to me means “screw around with Bunny’s best friend, whom he dated before her and still has a thing for”. And the worst part is that she also knows about this plan, because he told her about his intentions two months ago. And yet? She didn't dump his ass right then and is instead writing sappy love notes on facebook for all the interwebs to see.

P.S. I just went back and read it again and one of the Kiddo's friends left the comment "puke". Teenage boys are awesome. And by "awesome" I mean "total assholes".

33 comments:

nova said...

I think teenage boys and me see eye to eye on matters of the heart. Puke to the max, bro.

Lindsay said...

This is hilarious. And by hilarious I mean vomit. ;-)

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Oh my god -- he breaking up with her to be "free for the summer" and she KNOWS about it? She is clearly trying to change his mind with all that sap ... and she will be one bitter bitch when he breaks up with her anyway. I hope you guys have a security system. Or at least start making your son sleep with a bat next to his bead.

One Blonde Girl said...

Awe, teenage... love? I think it's damn near impossible to tell a teenage girl that her boy is not "the one." I understand, however, that some high school sweethearts go on to get married and have a great life together, but... well, how often do you hear about that? Color me cynical.

Moooooog35 said...

I only get comments like that on Facebook from my mom.

Heather said...

Wow that makes me gag and not just because I'm pregnant. Teenage girls are more annoying than teenage boys lol

kate said...

Oh, someday she'll look back and go "oh, God...I actualy thought that I was in LOVE with that guy?? Ugh, how embarassing"...or at least that's what I think when I have flashbacks to my first "love". What a dousche that guy was!

Think of all of the angsty-teenaged-emo-drama you'll get to witness on facebook after he DOES dump her...keep us updated. That shit should be blogging gold.

Come on, though, facebook isn't all bad - I'm currently using it to try and guilt my husband into letting me adopt another dog. Eventually he'll get tired of me posting pictures of puppies on his wall and just let me get one, right..?

otherworldlyone said...

Oh dear gawd, she's a gusher. Gross.

If I ever felt that way about someone (doubtful) I would never actually ADMIT it. C'mon!

Psssh. Teenagers.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh man. It's so painful to think about, being a teen again. No one, given a choice, would relive that period again if they could. They'd be all "Hell no, I don't think so!" Plus teens are just hilarious in that they think they have it all worked out when it's painfully obvious, they are TINY BABIES at life. But poor Bunny. First love is a bitch.

Still, you would never have caught 17 year old me, making one vomit by proclaiming my giant love on Facebook and not only because there WAS no Facebook when I was 17, before you say it.

BeckEye said...

I wish I had a reason to brush my hair. But now that I have Facebook, there's just no reason for me to go out where living, breathing men can see me.

Logical Libby said...

You don't have a pet bunny, do you? Because you might want to put it in the witness protection prgram for the summer.

mossum said...

I'm so glad I'm old.

Sarah P said...

Ugh. Poor, dumbass Bunny.

It will be awesome, though, when he has a summer-and-freshman-year-long dry spell, and she quadruples the number of notches in her belt.

He'll be all, "*sigh* I miss all those times I banged Bunny 15 feet from my mom."

Sexual revolution, Bunny. The vaginas have the power.

Venom said...

Does Kiddo know my Frist Born? Because I think they are reading from the same playbook.

"In our youth we learn, in our old age we understand."

She Said said...

Damn Libby. She stole my joke. GRRR! ;-)

You have amazing restraint. I am impressed!

Didactic Pirate said...

I love this post. If I were Kiddo, I'd be running away from the emotionally dependent Bunny so damn fast there'd just be an exhaust cloud shaped like me hanging in the air. She may know he's about to break up with her... but y'all may want to lock up the family pets for their safety.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahaha @ Sarah P's comment... Not to be cruel to the Kid, but I kinda hope that happens, because it seems like teenage boys ALL do this: break-up a decent relationship to see what else is available, find out there's eff-all else available and come crying back to the original girl, by which time she's realized he's an utter tosser...

What? I'm not bitter ; )

just making my way said...

Ugh - I was that totally overly emotional teenage girl. "You are my everything! Without you I'd die!"
Suuuuuch bullshit. But man, when you're that age it does seem like that big of a deal. Sigh. Stupid kids.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me.... not really but I'll have 3 this year. OMFG?

Jugs@@

erin said...

AwwwW! Poor Baby Bunny.

We all did it though...I remember my first love was a gross Mr. Asshole too.

And I knew it.

And I told my parents all the time that they couldn't stop our live cause we were going to be together forever.

Or until I found out he had been dating another girl for our whole relationship. Then I tried to mace him outside my college dorm :)

Laura said...

The level of sappiness and corniness in her Facebook posts? Take that, multiply by two or three, and THAT is the level of Craz-ay you're going to get when he breaks her little heart.

Is it wrong that I can't wait for Batshit Bunny?

Roo said...

I laughed at this post, joining in with the: *waves hand* OH THOSE TEENAGE YEARS! *chuckle*

Then I realized that I'm only fresh out of those years, now a college sophomore, who got dumped for the school year. Looking back, I realized he probably did it just to go and see what else was available, under the label justified as "better for my homework if we're just friends".

Yeah, guys are assholes. He came crawling back a few months later.
But I was totally there with Bunny awhile ago, proclaiming I was so in love.
She's going to go batshit crazy. (Because I did) So lock your doors <3

Mama Wheaton said...

I read my sons facebook and there are lots of puke moments on there and not all are posted from girls. One 8th grade boy was crying because the love of his life was moving!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

You're blog is the reason I brush MY hair. xoxoxoxoxososo

Joanna Jenkins said...

All I can say is thank gawd I am no longer a teenager!

What a crack up.
jj

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

geez thanks! I wonder if this is why my teenage soon deleted his facebook?
Bunny is dumb. I was a bunny once. Sigh. OK, let me call my kid and remind him to wear condoms

alonewithcats said...

Wow.

Talk about awkward.

Kiddo's the reason I brush my hair, too.

Just.Kate said...

Puke, yes, but assholes^3.

Megs said...

That might actually speed up the break up process because creepy. Has she no dignity?

Also, puke. Totally.

bbb_ said...

SEE this is why i don't add anyone even remotely connected to my family members on facebook :/ they creep.

Jules said...

I'm SO glad I just have a box filled with notes in the shape of triangles that have boys professing their love for me in my attic.......

Stefanie said...

Thank GOD all of the pukey desperate pathetic notes I wrote as a teenager, and sadly I was "that" girl, were private.

cfoxes33 said...

So this is what I have to look forward to? My Son is 13 and been a heartbreaker/romeo for at least nine years!