Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Four Years Of College And All I Got Was This Stupid BA And The Little Mermaid Soundtrack

I just got an email from Columbia House inviting me to join their club and get 11 CD’s free. Seriously? Columbia House still exists??? I almost joined, just for old time’s sake. My first year in college, I was the proud member of not only Columbia House, but also BMG and some romance book club that I forget the name of but did provide me with many hours of soft core porn material. I also signed up for every credit card offered on the quad because dude, I totally got three free t-shirts! Flash forward three years and there I am…a moron with a BA in Psychology, no job, $5K in credit card debt and 32 CD’s of music I didn’t even really like (i.e. the soundtrack to The Little Mermaid. For reals.). You know that saying “A sucker is born every minute”? It was invented for my stupid-ass 19 year old self.

I’m worried about my kid. He might be a little bit more world-wise than I was at his age, but he’s still an idiot. He thinks he has everything under control, which goes to show how little he knows about life. He would never believe that he couldn’t handle a credit card, because of course he would totally not use it for anything besides important things! Like Taco Bell. And condoms. And car payments on the secret sports car he bought but can’t tell his parents about because dude, they’ll totally freak out for no reason!

He leaves for college in less than two months. Every time I think about it, I break out in a cold sweat because how the hell do I protect him from himself? The boy is gonna do dumb stuff. It’s inevitable. It’s terrifying. I predict at least one ill-chosen tattoo (i.e. any Looney Toons character), a couple public intoxication charges and at least ten bank overdrafts in the first year or two.
I also predict that I will wear out poor Captain Carl with all my worrying and annoy the Kiddo with all my texts.

How’s school going?

Are you passing all your classes?

Don’t spend too much on stupid stuff! Save up!

Be careful this weekend…don’t drink and drive! Or text and drive!

Are you eating healthy? Make sure you take care of your body!

Don’t stay up too late…you need your sleep!

If some guy offers you a pill at a party, don’t take it! He’s trying to rape you!

Do you need us to send you condoms? Don’t you dare get someone pregnant!

Are you studying? Do I need to come down there and check up on you?

Why aren’t you answering my texts? Don’t forget that I still pay your cell phone bill, young man!

What are you doing? Probably going to church, right?

When are you coming home to visit? We miss you! Did you forget about us? I’ll do your laundry if you come home!!

Whatever you do, do not join Columbia House! Those CD’s aren’t free, no matter what they tell you!


Holy shit, the next four years are gonna be rough.

26 comments:

Logical Libby said...

My husband and I were just talking about record clubs the other day. 11 CDs for a penny! How can you lose?

And I bet the tattoo is Chinese characters...

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

you had me at roofie.

and i'm going with tribal band on the arm.

KLaw said...

I think I just peed my pants... ha ha ha ha ha!

♫ Songbird ♫ said...

I had a friend in high school (well, not really a friend, more like some moron I graduated with) and he had a tattoo on his chest that had a picture of two pigs doin' it that said "makin bacon" above it. There are some stupid people out there... here's hoping your kid doesn't go hog wild...lol yayyy word play! :)

Annie D said...

LOL!! I just laughed my ass off at this! You're hilarious.

Chris said...

My father would occasionally drop by at around 0830 to take me to breakfast (an hour away from his house) when I was 19 and in college. I wouldn't recommend this strategy. He saw some things he probably wished he could forget.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

Bwahahahaha, thanks Columbia house for getting me an entire collection of Luis Miguel!!! (he dated Mariah Carey, I know-who cares) but yeah, my kid is in the same boat. Tattoo's? I know someone with Tweety on his ankle.
Nothing we can do except show them pictures of severe STD's and taking for a tour of the closest juvenile jail.
Gotta go, ROAD TRIP!

Vic said...

I'm already worried about this, and my daughter's only a junior.

I bet his tattoo will say "Yo Mama".

kate said...

Trust me on this one. If Lara and I could make it through 4 years of college without any stupid tattoos or "drunk in public" arrests, ANYONE can.

Didactic Pirate said...

Oh, man. I'd love to tell you that he's gonna be ok, and that his stupid decisions will be tempered by the strong foundation of moral goodness you surely provided... but I'm thinking about myself at 18, and the dumb crap I did, and HOLY CRAPSKI.

But I'm sure he'll be fine.

Beta Dad said...

I'm pretty sure that offer has been lost in the mail for twenty years because there's no WAY Columbia House still exists. We have so many goddamn sophomore albums from bands that looked like they were going to be huge, and one-off greatest (kinda) hits albums from superstars because of those record clubs. Anybody want me to rip a copy of the second (last?) Better Than Ezra album for them?

My gay bud from college used to take advantage of all those offers--he was forever flush with Capri cigarettes and Harlequin Super Romances (is that the softcore you spoke of?).

Sarah P said...

I can't wait for the post about his first college girlfriend - the one who is "incredibly interesting" and has a tongue ring and insists on sleeping in his room when they visit.

erin said...

Sometimes I want to tell my kids to skip going to college altogether. I partied, got pregnant, didn't join Columbia House, finished with the most random(and useless) B.A. in the world and am currently a stay at home mom who sometimes writes freelances for $5-$15 a post. Oh and has a crochet shop. Random.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

My mom used to send me these order-by-phone care packages that consisted of a ham with a balloon tied to it. I'd give it to the hall stoner in exchange for weed, and he'd sit in front of the tv and eat it like an apple.

Don't send him anything worth trading, is my point.

Jules said...

I loved Columbia House....

And I can't WAIT to see how he answers your, "Probably going to church" texts.

P.S. We were supposed to fly to Dallas yesterday. My plan was to ditch Hubby at the airport and come find you. BUT the plane was "delayed" because of rain. I guess your pilots don't know how to fly in rain?? So we had to go to Chicago instead.

Sorry. I tried.

Megs said...

My money is on Chinese symbol that he thinks means something like sexy but really means, like, chicken pants or something.

Those credit card people are evil. They know 18 year olds are the last people who need credit cards, and they seduce you anyway.

Also I still have a copy of Ace of Base that I got through Columbia House because I had to get something.

nova said...

I totally had Ace of Base from Colombia House too! Twinsies, Megs.

I have to tell you something honest. Every single tattooer I know would fucking die to be able to tattoo a Tasmanian Devil on somebody. He's like the holy grail of tattoos. One time some guy came into the shop and said he might get one and all the guys were literally pushing each other out of the way to get to him first.

Also? Hot Stuff. The devil.

LiLu said...

I'm pretty sure I overdrafted at least twenty times my freshman year.

Just sayin'.

Miss Yvonne said...

Libby: I will be forced to punch my own kid in the face if he gets chinese characters.

You're Lucky: Oh shit. Tribal band. Ditto the above for that one.

KLaw: Why thank you! You meant "I just peed my pants" as a compliment, right? Cause that's how I'm taking it.

Songbird: Makin' bacon = best trashy tattoo ever.

Annie D: Awww, gee whiz!

Chris: I am already avoiding this strategy. I don't want to see what goes on in his room. Ever. Never ever.

Comment deleted: Well I never!

Nina Patricia: Tweetie is like the less cool version of Taz. I guess. I don't really know how Looney Toons characters are ranked.

Vic: It will if I have anything to say about it.

kate: Fingers crossed you are right.

Didactic Pirate: "strong foundation of moral goodness". Bwahahaaahaa! Yeah, sure...that's totally what we gave him.

Beta Dad: Dude, I'm old but I'm not THAT old. Columbia House was around a mere 15 years ago. So there.

Sarah P: Good luck to that girl because she is totally not getting to sleep in his room. It's the couch or the garage, little missy.

erin: I secretly feel the same way. My parents for 4 years of college for me to work a mediocre, mid-level cubicle job. Awesome.

Steamy: Good tip. I forgot about the ham balloons.

Jules: Bitch, I can't believe we were that close to meeting in person! Suck.

Megs: I too owned the Columbia House Ace of Base cd.

nova: My ex-boyfriend showed up one night with a Taz tattoo on his shoulder. Therefore Taz tattoo = loser in my mind.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Just wait til you get to the empty dorm-- with rooms that look a lot like a jail cell, and find, on the bare mattress, a "welcome box" with condoms in it. My sister nearly had a heart attack when she saw that after dropping her first child off at college.

I'm going with a big chested woman tattoo and the words "Mother" written over her in a heart ;-)

Hang in here Mama-- The fun is just beginning.

Loved this post-- for reals.
xo jj

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm not sure what's worse: Being dropped a Ruffie and getting raped or joining Columbia House and never ever remembering to return those casettes you didn't like. Wait. Maybe they send CD's now...

Houston said...

At least the tattoo isn't of Tweety.

BTW, Columbia House once sent me a letter DEMANDING I pay for the 11 CDs I agreed to even though they had never shipped me any.

Ruthless thugs, like Hugo Chavez. (Oh lord, I hope Sean Penn didn't hear that!)

whatsupwiththat said...

I am a year behind you with my oldest being a senior this year. Hubs and I have a lot of knowledge, fear and random skills to shove into his 6'4" frame in such a short time. I have loved your blog in the past but now feel it is essential to my son's survival- no pressure!
Oh, and my word verify is noider, perhaps a procedure to be performed on said son to prevent college created grandbabies.

kate said...

Totally random, but are you aware that this is happening:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38038340/ns/today-entertainment/

Miss Yvonne said...

kate: ZOMG!!!!!!! A new Pee Wee movie! My life is finally complete!