Thursday, June 24, 2010

Even In An Emergency, He’s Still Horny

Guess who went to the emergency room yesterdayyy??? My dear Captain Carl woke up at 4am with sharp, stabbing pains in his side accompanied by massive amounts of vomiting.

I’m a good nurse. Except when vomit is involved. I hate vomit. I can’t even look at my own, it makes me want to vomit more. So I puke in the dark whenever possible. This is exactly why I bought a house with no windows in the water closet. And other people’s vomit? Oh no no no no no no.

So the Captain is miserable and puking and I’m standing vaguely near the bathroom door saying things like “Ummm, are you okay in there?” and “So, ummm, can I get you anything?”. And because he knows how much I hate puke, he tells me he can handle it. And I almost believe him. Until he starts wandering around the house holding a bucket in front of him with a dazed look on his face. The man is in serious pain…I had to suck it up and take care of him. So I guide him back to the bathroom, where he promptly pukes again into his bucket. And I stood right next to him and rubbed his back and tried really hard not to gag. We almost had a dual puking situation, but I managed to be a grown up and held it down. Yea me!

Anyway, we decided this wasn’t an ordinary ailment once the pain got so bad that the Captain had to bend over and breath like a woman in labor in order to keep from passing out. I was all "Do your llamas breathing, honey" and he was all "Llamas?" and I'm all " Yeah you know...llamas. Heh." and he was all *vomit* and I was all "Okay, we're going to the hospital because you are totally not laughing at my jokes which means you are in an emergency situation because I am always hilarious".

Then I piled him and his bucket into the car and headed for the emergency room. Amazingly enough, there was no one waiting and we got a room immediately. The nurse was all "Take off all your clothes except your underwear" and the Captain just stood there looking at me with panic on his face and I was all "You didn't put on underwear, did you" and he was all "Ummm, no" and the nurse was all disapproving face and "Just leave your shorts on" and he was all "I'll be sure to put on my boxers before my next emergency trip to the hospital" and the nurse was all "Be sure to do that, sir" and I was all "Wow, how much fun is this, huh?" and they were both just staring at me so I was all "I mean, no underwear! Hilarious, right? I mean, if you weren't, you know, in serious amounts of pain" and then the nurse just shook her head and walked out, which I'm pretty sure meant she agreed with me.

After an exam and an ultrasound, he was diagnosed with gall stones. They loaded him up with fluids and pain medication and I stood there, rubbing his head and arm and whispering “the pain will stop soon” and “I love you” and “try to sleep” and "you are so buying me something pretty after this is over for being such an awesome wife" over and over. I knew right when the pain medication started working. Not because he finally slept. Not because he relaxed his kung fu grip on my hand. Because he turned his face to me, smiled and said “Maybe next time you could wear a slutty nurse costume”. Then he squeezed my boob and fell asleep. And that was the moment I knew he was going to be okay.

He’s feeling much better today, by the way. Surgery is in the near future, but at least he’s not screaming “Somebody please stop the stabbing!!!” anymore.

28 comments:

Mrs Jones said...

Ha! Been there with the gallstones. It totally feels like you're having a heart attack. I thought I was dying in the bathroom from the pain and my husband just went to bed! Good job, honey - I'd have loved to have seen your face in the morning when you got up to find me cold and stiff on the floor. But, no, I had to go and survive, didn't I? Tell your man the operation is fine, he'll be in and out of hospital in a day, and then he'll become very good friends with Gaviscon for the rest of his life. But he won't die.

Heather said...

Boobs are always great in situations like these. They almost cure everything just by being there.

Sarah P said...

That should be on an emergency diagnosis list.
Is the patient breathing?
Can the patient move his extremities?
Can he blink his eyes?
Are his lips blue?
Is he interested in a boob squeeze?

Sarah P said...

P.S. Hope he is back to buying-you-pretty-stuff form soon.

Princess Stupidhead said...

Boobs are extremely versatile

Uses I've discovered (so far)

1. baby feeding
2. distraction from other less sexy parts of the body
3. reduces risks of speeding tickets
4. can be used as a weapon
5. accessorizes a resume nicely
6. provides additional storage when purse is full
and now
7. aids in recovery process!!

Glad he's back to his old self!

ps. please note new blog address

Jules said...

Oh dude, that sucks! Wait until he goes for that HIDA test..... http://www.meangirlgarage.com/?p=93 Poor guy!

Jocelyn said...

Good luck to the Captain! The surgery will be fine, but yeah - pay very close attention to what the tell you NOT to eat. And don't eat it. Or you will very, very sorry. And need to be near a toilet at all times.

Didactic Pirate said...

If you ask early, you can probably have your boobs present in the operating room during the procedure, for periodic squeezing by both the patient and the surgical staff. A good wife would do it.

The Phool said...

Do you think the gall bladder attack is a remnant of the fleas/scabies/bed bug attacks? Maybe?

erin said...

I know gallstones suck but I'm soooo glad it wasn't something worse.

Jeremiah and I made out while I was in labor with Elijah. It was kind of surreal and strange. I liken it to boob squeezes during gall stone pain.

kate said...

Oh, no, no, no. Gallbladder attacks are the DEVIL. Amen to Jules' comments about the HIDA scan...except she forgot to mention that one of the injections totally makes you feel like you're peeing all over yourself. Like, I seriously had to ask the radiologist a good half dozen times if I was whizzing all over the exam table or not.

I never had gallstones, but I had an attack that sent me to the ER last year. If having a baby hurts more than that did, I'm so fucked.

http://kate-growthspurt.blogspot.com/2009/04/medical-mysteries-revealed.html

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Now I feel bad about laughing at him the other day. POOR Captain Carl. One of my friends has been bothered with gall stones since she was a teenager and says the pain is COLOSSAL. In caps lock like that! At least the Captain's in a place where there's morphine (and your boob). Get well soon CC.

Ed said...

Good stuff.

Not the stones. Those suck.

But the post and the way you handled the situation with humor.

You totally made that ER your comedy bitch.

Except for the nurse. She was already a bitch.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

i am soooo with you on the barfs. even when i was little, i was petrified. as soon as i caught a glimpse of the dread elementary playground kitty litter, i would run clear across the other side of the planet to avoid the possibility of catching some barf-related disease.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

I'm no good with puke either. My daughter puked in the car when she was two and my husband had to handle it. I was gaggy.

I'd feel worse for Captain Carl if he would've let you keep Carlos Spicy Weiner.

Meh. I hold grudges.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I hate puke! I've cleaned up tons of it. I hope the Captain is feeling better.

Jugs@@

Joanna Jenkins said...

I yiyi, I am so sorry for the Captain-- and you. But the surgery will make for great blogging ;-)

Hang in there.
jj

Stephanie Schwartz said...

Hey wait a minute. I start following you on Twitter, you follow me back then shazam - your husband and I have a gallstone attack on the SAME FREAKIN' DAY? It's like some kind of conspiracy but the joke is on you cuz HAHA they actually took my gall bladder out. Nice try, Ms.Yvonne, nice try. True story ya'll.

Stephanie Schwartz said...

Hey wait a minute. I start following you on Twitter, you follow me back then shazam - your husband and I have a gallstone attack on the SAME FREAKIN' DAY? It's like some kind of conspiracy but the joke is on you cuz HAHA they actually took my gall bladder out. Nice try, Ms.Yvonne, nice try. True story ya'll.

DevilsHeaven said...

I had gallstones, that infected my gall bladder. Not pretty. I was one of FIVE people suffering from the same thing on the SAME day.
Anyway, tell him the morphine well make it all better.
And also, the boob squeeze? That is totally what my husband does too.
ER and all.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

HAHA! This totally cracked me up. So glad you brought your boobs with you to the hospital. Good call on your part.

Kate said...

Ha ha I love the underwear bit. I do think that should be the man test - are they paying attention to your boobs or too sick to care. In situation 2 dial 999.

Kate xx

just making my way said...

Yowza. That's a suck! Happy to hear he is feeling better. Make sure you get one of the reeeeeeeaallly low cut costumes - cause what's the point otherwise?

Houston said...

Mrs Jones I must now research Gaviscon.

The Captain will be fine, the surgery isn't much to talk about and he will be his old self in a couple of days after it's done.

The only side effect I have seen is the most amazing diarrhea when I eat Mexican food.

Seriously, you can set a watch to that butt bomb.

Zoe Right said...

Ohhhh been there done that.

Small piece of advice. Don't think Oh I can have this small piece of chocolate. No big deal. It's a Big Freaking Deal!

Also thought I was having a heart attack to the amusement of the paramedics- who told me to buck up little camper

bitethebedbugs said...

Nice work wife! I agree with Heather's comment, boobs are a cure all, sort of like duct tape really. One time when my jaw was wired shut from a nasty bike accident, my husband was like "you're still sexy with your jaw wired shut" and I was like, oh shit, I'm going to have to put out. But I was like seriously? I look like the silence of the lambs guy with a big brace face. I couldn't even dirty talk. I kind of dirty mumbled. Due to the wired shut thing. Come to think of it MY husband owes me something pretty too.

Moooooog35 said...

So..the trick to get boob is to have gall stones.

DAMN YOU, PERFECT HEALTH! You've foiled me for the last time!

Mrs Jones said...

About the eating after gallbladder removal thing, I think it affects people differently. I've had absolutely no problem eating anything at all. I do get problems with acid reflux but I had that before the gallstones so I'm not sure they're connected. Capt Carl will just have to experiment with what he can eat and can't eat but he may well be absolutely fine.